Being The Middle Child Doesn't Mean You're 'Stuck' In The Middle Forever

Being The Middle Child Doesn't Mean You're 'Stuck' In The Middle Forever

Growing up as the middle child prepared me for future success.

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They say that every middle child has a complex. That we feel like we are the most forgotten or how we feel as though no one really pays attention to us. Well, let me tell you one thing as a middle child myself being forgotten about is not a feeling that I avoid often. Growing up I was torn between two worlds. Trying to act like an adult with my older sister or being a rambunctious preteen with my younger brother.

When I was with my brother, I was always told that I was too loud, too crazy, just too much. Yet being around my sister I was looked down upon as the younger of the two and stuck always being not enough. Not mature enough, not working hard enough and not living up to her expectations. All my life I have felt like I was living in a shadow. My presence was always commented on of how I would be the class star because my older sister was amazing at chemistry, or how I must be so proud of myself because my grades were nowhere near the downward level of my brothers (sorry bub).

But through the shadow, I entered college. No one knew who I was and instead of fearing the unfamiliar I relished in the freshness of creating myself over again. Now I didn't go crazy and change my whole personality but day by day I crept out of my shell more and more. I made friends who knew me only as the girl in the Anthro class or the blonde down the hall. I wasn't anyone's sister and past reputations didn't matter to my new friends.

Academically I began to prosper. Taking classes where the professors not only took me seriously, but where they could care less if I had a stellar, or less than, sibling. They took my work and judged me from my edits to my attendance. My eyes were finally opened to the possibilities of being myself and not overshadowed by a previously taught sibling.

At home, my world began to change as well. At the dinner table on Sundays, it wasn't always the same question being asked around it was all three siblings talking about the interesting components that had made up our days. I would rant about the new book I was figuratively dissecting while my sister would talk about how she was literally dissecting organisms. My brother got to cheerfully narrate about his lacrosse practices and not one of our conversations would overlap the others in the context of what we were saying.

I began to become my own person and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was seen, and that I shone brightly in my new environment. Being stuck in the middle and forgotten about as a middle child may have its perks. But becoming an adult and finding confidence in yourself will make the shadow scurry away, illuminated by the brightness of within.

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I Ghosted My Old Self For 5 Months In An Effort To Reevaluate My Life

My life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

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BREAKING (not fake) NEWS: It's true, you have to hit your lowest before hitting your highest.

I want to share my lowest with you, and I'm almost ashamed to say it had nothing to do with the loss of both of my parents. I like to think I handled that like a warrior.

Turns out I didn't, and the hurt I've been burying from that hit me all at once, the same moment my life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

My life flipped upside down overnight back in August. I had my heart broken shattered, lost two very important friendships that I thought were with me until the end, lost my 9-5 job, my health took a hit stronger than a boulder, and I was absolutely lost. For the first time, ever, I let go of the reigns on my own life. I had no idea how to handle myself, how to make anyone around me happy, how to get out of bed or how to even begin the process of trying to process what the f*ck just happened. I was terrified.

Coming from the girl who never encountered a dilemma she couldn't fix instantaneously, on her own, with no emotional burden. I was checked out from making my life better. So I didn't try. I didn't even think about thinking about trying.

The only relatively understandable way I could think to deal with anything was to not deal with anything. And that's exactly what I did. And it was f*cking amazing.

I went into hiding for a week, then went on a week getaway with my family, regained that feeling of being loved unconditionally, and realized that's all I need. They are all I need. Friends? Nah. Family. Only. Always.

On that vacation, I got a call from the school district that they wanted me in for an interview the day I come home. It was for a position that entailed every single class, combined, that I took in my college career. It was a career that I had just gotten my degree for three months before.

I came home and saw my doctor and got a health plan in order. I was immediately thrown into the month-long hiring process for work. I made it a point to make sunset every single night, alone, to make sure I was mentally caught up and in-check at the same exact speed that my life was turning. I was not about to lose my control again. Not ever.

Since August, I have spent more time with family than ever. I've read over 10 new books, I've discovered so much new music, I went on some of my best, the worst and funniest first dates, I made true, loyal friends that cause me zero stress while completely drowning me in overwhelming amounts of love and support, I got back into yoga, and I started that job and damn near fell more in love with it than I ever was for the guy I lost over the summer.

But most importantly, I changed my mindset. I promised myself to not say a single sentence that has a negative tone to it. I promised myself to think three times before engaging in any type of personal conversation. I promised myself to wake up in a good mood every damn day because I'm alive and that is the only factor I should need to be happy.

Take it from a girl who knew her words were weapons and used them frequently before deciding to turn every aspect of her life into positivity — even in the midst of losing one of my closest family members. I have been told multiple times, by people so dear to me that I'm "glowing." You know what I said back? F*ck yes I am, and I deserve to.

I am so happy with myself and it has nothing to do with the things around me. It's so much deeper than that, and I'm beaming with pride. Of myself. For myself.

I want to leave you with these thoughts that those people who have hurt me, left me, and loved me through these last couple of months have taught me

Growth is sometimes a lonely process.
Some things go too deep to ever be forgotten.
You need to give yourself the permission to be happy right now.
You outgrow people you thought you couldn't live without, and you're not the one to blame for that. You're growing.
Sometimes it takes your break down to reach your breakthrough.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

My god, it's so f*cking good.

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Becoming Kinder To Myself

My biggest bully is my own mind and I'm sick of being the victim.

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I've always known how important self-love is, but I've only recently realized the depths of what it means. For me, the hardest part about loving myself is the fact that I've been conditioned to hate myself. I say the meanest things in my head and constantly try to tear myself down. While I am confident in the person I am, I don't think I love myself in the way I need to.

It's 2019, and I've decided it's going to be the year of me. This year, I will fall in love with myself. I will stop thinking I am the problem. I will stop letting my worries get in my way. I am constantly motivating my friends and encouraging them to do whatever is necessary to make themselves happy.

So, why haven't I been doing that for me?

I show kindness to everyone I meet, but perhaps I am the one who needs my kindness the most. I'm never going to get what I want if I feel as though I don't deserve it. I'm never going to achieve my goals if I don't think I have the ability to do so.

I would never kick someone when they're down, so this year, I'm going to start applying that to myself. The negative thoughts will come and go, but it's time that I stop feeding them. I see myself negatively, and the only way that's going to change is if I fight it with a lot of positivity.

Self-love is more than being confident in your own skin; it's being kind to yourself and treating yourself right. I always feel like my mind controls me, but it's time to start controlling my mind. My mind is going to become a place of positivity and encouragement, and it all starts with simply replacing my thoughts that stem from hatred to thoughts that come from love.

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