Coping With Depression and Anxiety

When I've Been Struggling With My Mental Health, This Is What I Want People To Know

I have an anxious mind, and a broken soul.

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I have an anxious mind.

My mind works against me in ways that are hard to explain. My mind and body are in a disconnect from the functions, or lack thereof, that take place in my brain.

My brain works in ways that make me anxious, depressed, paranoid, sick, and tired– all at the same time. I worry about the most odd-ball things– and I am fearless towards things that make normal people anxious.

Yes, I said normal people, because I am not normal. What I feel is not normal. I am educated enough, and have enough common sense, to know that the thoughts I have, the experiences I live, and the behaviors I engage in, are not normal.

I'm tired– so damn tired– all the time. I should be though, I don't get much sleep. I am awake when most people are asleep. Often because thoughts flood my mind and I can't make them stop; but, sometimes, I am awake because of no reason at all. Much of the time my eyes are closed is spent remaining awake, listening to my heart beat too fast for my own good.

And my body is heavy. The blood flowing through my veins may as well be lead. The longer I feel like this, the thicker it gets, weighing me down.

But as I feel heavier, my body is getting thinner. I don't want to get any thinner– but somedays, it is impossible for me to eat. Many days, I all ready feel nauseous, and the thought of food is repulsive. Somedays, I forget to eat. Then there are a few days where I am just too tired.

I fuel myself with caffeine. It's the only thing that gives my mind and body the jolt needed to function– and I don't care that increased caffeine consumption can increase anxiety– I am anxious regardless. Somedays, the idea of coffee is the only motivation I can find to get off the couch.

I overwhelm myself with responsibilities, so that the busier I am, the less free time I have to acknowledge how sad I am. I have two jobs, an internship, and 18 credit hours, to keep me occupied.

I'm a broken soul. I've been broken before, and I've been mended.

But the way I am– the way I've always been– comes in waves.

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm broken. Ashamed to admit that I'm depressed. Ashamed to admit that I'm anxious. Ashamed to admit that I am seeking help.

I'm ashamed because I'm pissed. I have a good life, I have family and friends that love me, fundamentally, I should be happy. But it's purely chemistry those who say happiness is a choice must have never experienced the depths of sadness so deep that you lose the will to function, to live.

And right now, I'm not living my life for myself, I am living for the people that love me.

A light is ignited within me when I am in the presence of people that love me– I perk up, smile, and laugh. It's completely insincere, an act I put on, but it's second nature, a defense mechanism to shield my loved ones from exposure to my realities. The last thing I want to burden them with is worry.

It makes me more anxious when I know people worry about me– and these next few lines are what I want them to know.

I live with anxiety, I'm depressed, and I'm currently broken– but if you want to worry about me for those reasons– you should be worried all the time. But please don't. Please don't because these are realities, conditions, and feelings I live with every day, and have for as long as I can remember.

The anxiety, the sadness, the bad feelings never go away– their intensity just changes.

Take comfort in what you are reading: I will be fine– I may not be okay, but I'll survive. I'm working on myself, I'll be taking medication, and I will learn to live for myself.

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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25 Life-Saving Quotes Every 'Grey's Anatomy' Addict Self Diagnoses On A Daily Basis

"It's a beautiful day to save lives."

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Now on season 15, 'Grey's Anatomy' has left us with many memories, some good and some heartbreaking. But one this that's always stuck is the quotes from the show.

1. "It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose." - Richard Webber

2. "Not everybody has to be happy all the time. That's not mental health. That's crap." - Meredith Grey

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3. "If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, stop accepting crap and demand something more." - Cristina Yang

4. "You're letting her think you're emotionally available. You're letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't." - Meredith Grey

5. "I want heat. I want romance. I want to feel like a freaking lady." - Meredith Grey

Freaking lady

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6. "Rule number one: Don't bother sucking up. I already hate you." - Miranda Bailey

7. "Pretty good is not good enough. I want to be great." - Cristina Yang

8. "Okay, here it is, your choice...it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window', unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." - Meredith Grey

Pick me

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9. "You can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it. All you gotta do is survive." - Alex Karev

10. "I am woman. Here me roar." - Miranda Bailey

11. "You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for you ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person you love!" - Callie Torres

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12. "I am not an ugly duckling. I'm a swan." - April Kepner

13. "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you save me. That's all I know." - Derek Shepherd

14. "Let's play a game of whose like sucks the most. I'll win. I always win." - Meredith Grey

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15. "There's a land called passive agressiva, and you're their queen." - Derek Shepherd

16. "Bad things happen, but you have to move past it. Leave it behind. The sooner, the better. Or it'll eat away at you and stop you from moving forward." - MIranda Bailey

17. "Promise that you'll love me, even when you hate me." - Meredith Grey  

18. "Oh, screw beautiful, I'm brilliant! If you want to appease me, compliment my brain." - Cristina Yang

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19. "Walk tall. All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought. You loved. You lost. Walk tall." - Mark Sloan

20. "Knowing is better than wondering. Waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying." - Meredith Grey

21. "It's a beautiful day to save lives." - Derek Shepherd

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22. "It's not hard. It's painful but it's not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn't, you wouldn't be in this much pain." - Miranda Bailey

23. "Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up." - Alex Karev

24. "I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime." - Derek Shepherd

25. "Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun. You are." - Cristina Yang

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