I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I need you to know that even though you're gone, I never stopped wondering what life would be like if you were still here today.
Your passing was the first big heartbreak that I felt. I was nearly ten and I thought my whole life was falling into shambles. Differently family members had passed before you, but it didn't feel the same. I think that maybe it was because I had then approached the age where I knew that death was permanent and you weren't ever coming back.
I often sit and remember the times that we shared together, even though they were brief. I remember sitting between the drivers and passengers seats in your white Jeep Cherokee and attempting to drive through the neighborhoods. I remember going to Discovery Zone and always ending the day with a blue slushy. I remember the tattoos you had and how they seemed to be green from the sun and the wear and tear. I remember your green stoned ring that you always wore. I remember promising you that I would always be on my best behavior and eat all of my vegetables if you would just quit smoking.
Most vividly though, I remember the day you were taken off of life support and the day of your funeral. I remember walking into Tina's and her handing me the phone. I remember talking in front of what seemed like a million people and telling them all about the fun times that we had. I remember the Three Volley Salute. I remember feeling numb.
I felt guilty for long time because at the ripe age of 9 I felt like I didn't push you hard enough to quit smoking. I thought that if I had tried just a little harder that you would have listened and stopped. I didn't comprehend that the damage was done long before me asking you, and there was nothing that I could have done to stop the cancer from spreading.
Today, thirteen years later I still miss you every single day and I always wonder if you would be proud of the woman that I've become. That old green stone from your ring is now a necklace that I wear every day. Though I can't visit your grave site, I know you're still looking down on me.
I miss you.