Lately, I have been struggling with what type of content to submit to the Odyssey Online. When I can't figure out a topic to discuss, I share my poetry. This week, however, I want to write something from the heart that doesn't rhyme.
I recently stumbled across a Buzzfeed video that really hit me personally. I won't explain it because I would like for you to just take a moment to watch it and get the real feel for the meaning of the video.
We have had tons and tons of videos calling out society's standards when it comes to womanhood and beauty. It gets to a point where it's repetitive and numb.
This one is different. This one talks about the women who struggle with more than just body image. They struggle with acceptance and finding someone to start a relationship with.
I am one of those women.
For as long as I can remember, I've been the odd one out. While everyone else had straight, well-kept hair, I was the one who had the frizzy mop of curls that shed all over me and had so much volume. While everyone was finding their one true love, I was getting harsh rejections from people I would confess to who would, instead of saying no, say things like "never in my life" or "hell no."
I didn't get my first kiss or relationship until my senior year of high school, and it didn't even last long. I haven't had anything happen since then. I hoped that once I became an adult, it would get better. It didn't.
My friends and family were getting everything that I had ever wanted. My sister's first day of college consisted of guy after guy asking for her number while my first day was nothing more than getting lost on the big campus grounds.
My friends would tell me about their amazing hookups while I am still here with that first kiss at my senior prom being the most action I had received. Some friends were getting engaged while my biggest milestone was getting my own cat. Others were getting hundreds of likes on their selfies while I got five.
It's driving me to insanity.
To this day, I can't get a single person to even look at me as someone who could be dating material. I'm seen more as just a plain Jane who is a good friend.
I try online dating. It does nothing but attract the creepy and/or horny men to my profile. It makes me look in the mirror and ask myself, what is wrong with me?
What is missing from my exterior? Do I need to lose weight? Do I need to donate anything pertaining to my nerdy hobbies to make myself seem more mature? Should I wear makeup and cute clothes more often? What is it?
"You're being saved for someone special," They say.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea," They tell me.
Stop. Stop. STOP. I've heard it all. I know all the quotes. I know all the advice. I could write a novel filled with them. Telling me these things won't change a thing.
Even watching the Buzzfeed video didn't help. I try to listen to what this woman is saying. That I should be my own woman. But what if being my own woman isn't what I want to be? What do I do then?
Maybe I should just accept the fact that I won't ever get what I truly wanted.
Someone to love.
