Our generation thrives off of tacky romance rubbish like “Relationship Goals” and “Netflix And Chill” because obviously, Nicholas Sparks movies weren’t enough for them. Sometimes, I like to play a game called “Take a shot every time you hear the word BAE,” and by "sometimes," I mean all the time. My Twitter newsfeed is drowning in helpless little boys and girls pleading for someone to snuggle with during the holidays or for someone to cook for them or for someone to come over and rub their back. It’s a never-ending newsfeed of sad single individuals heaving their whiney tweets all over my territory. What! A! World!
Sometimes I want to ask them, “You know that being single isn’t actually the end of the road for you? Like, I think you’re going to live. Let me know if you don’t though because that would be impressive.” I truly think people don’t understand the pros of being alone so I have taken it upon myself to list a few reasons as to why being single is the tits.
1. You get the entire queen bed to yourself.
How annoying is it to roll over and not have any room to lay in that awkward position you love sleeping in so much because there is another human being in the way? When you’re single, the odds are ever in your favor. You can sleep with as many pillows as you want, keep the TV on if you want, and drool in the comfort of your own home if you want! There are no rules and you don’t have to feel self-conscious about the farts you unknowingly let go in the middle of your slumber.
2. All proceeds go to you.
When you are tied up, it is a moral obligation to lavish your significant other in presents and other things they probably don’t even care about. When you are single, you get to buy more important things for yourself such as craft beer, lingerie that no one will ever see, and a gym membership. Am I right or am I right?
3. You can make heart-eyes at people and not feel guilty.
One of my favorite things about being single is that I can make heart-eyes at whoever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want, because no one can tell me not to. When you’re young, 90 percent of your esthetic is flirting and mastering the “Hey, I think you’re cute but I’m not trying to act thirsty” smile from across the bar. It’s thrilling, especially after you’ve had a few drinks because your liquid confidence kicks in and you think you’re the Megan Fox of your local town.
4. No shave November, December, January, February, and so on.
You are lying if you say that you do not care whether or not you shaved for your significant other before seeing them. Everyone cares – you, your significant other, and the glue your relationship is being held together by. When you’re alone and go home to yourself every night, you can let your freak flag fly and be the hairy scrub you were always meant to be. No one will be there to judge you (except maybe your cat because they are always questionable and look like they are plotting to kill). You are not pressured into taking an hour-long shower to make sure you have hit every inch of your body with your Gillette Venus Razor. If you want to know what it’s like to feel free, be single and don’t shave for two months.
So, like I said, being alone is not the end-all be-all. There are perks to being wildly independent and you will most likely live through it. The moral of the story is, I am begging you to please stop tweeting about how you want someone to show up with roses or how you need someone to complete you because you are whole by yourself and roses die.
