I'm the kind of person who is always afraid of saying what is truly on my mind. It's a flaw of mine. It leads to many disappointing conversations, for fear of what will be said when I truly say what's on my mind. I crave intimate conversations, I crave vulnerability, I crave closeness. Sadly, in the nearly 20 years of my existence, I can say that I have never truly had that in a quantity that has satisfied my longing.
Several heartaches and bad experiences later, I began saying something, hoping to get the response that I so desperately needed to hear. Of course, this also leads to me not hearing those words that my soul so desperately craved. I know that I can't be the only one who feels like this. Who feels as if it is easier to settle than to risk saying those words that have burned you one too many times before. I know I can't be the only one who hides behind fake smiles and half truths.
If my words could talk, they would say a lot more than what you get at face value.
1. "Come see me."
If I'm asking you to make the effort to come see me, its for two reasons. One, I genuinely want to see you. I miss you. Two, it's because I don't feel as if you miss me. It's my way of saying that I need you to do something to remind me that I am important to you even when we are apart. I'll never tell you that though.
2. "I've just had a long day."
This means that something that has happened during the day has really upset me. I want to talk to you about it, I just don't feel comfortable enough opening up and saying straight up that I'm upset. I need you to make that first step for me. I need you to create an environment in which I can feel safe, where I can tell you without questioning your genuine interest.
3. "I don't know what to say."
This is false. One. Hundred. Percent. This is my fall back line when I get scared. When I'm feeling hurt. When I don't like where the conversation is going and because of that I'm feeling uncomfortable. I know exactly what I want to say, I just cannot say it. For whatever reason I no longer feel safe, I no longer feel protected. I no longer feel as if talking to you about whatever the subject is, is something that I can do without running the risk of getting hurt any deeper than I already am. If you ever hear me say those things, ensure me that with you I am safe. Make me believe that you genuinely care, because if I said those words I probably feel like you don't.
4. "I don't feel like talking."
I'm overwhelmed. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm confused. I'm every possible emotion that one could be, all at once. I don't even know where I would start, if I was able to express how I felt. Sometimes I don't know how to put how I feel into words. This isn't always a bad thing, sometimes I don't know how to put the good things into words either. I'm an emotional person, I get overwhelmed, and I don't know how to express that.
Anytime I say these things in conversation, don't get discouraged. Never think that it is you who is messing up, who is doing something wrong. Be patient with me. I can promise you that if you get me to open up, you will see a side of me that no one else ever has.
