*WARNING: If you are MY MOM, don’t read this!

**If you are a friend of my mom: Don’t read this!

***If you suffer from increasingly high-blood pressure and frequent fainting spells: See your doctor.

Men and cars are basically the same thing. Here is a list of guys I’ve doinked, if they were cars.

The First Guy I Dated for a Year: A Toyota Corolla (2006)

Pros: Comfortable; complacent; my parents approved; not a ton of maintenance, safe.

Cons: Got boring to drive

Summary: A comfortable car — great for first-time drivers.

The Guy with a Honda Prelude: A Honda Prelude (1996)

Pros: This car was cool in high school...

Cons: ...Is not cool anymore.

Summary: Honda has done better, and so have I.

The Conservative Right-Wing Republican: A Mercedes G-Class (1986)

Pros: Won't depreciate (a rich person actually told me that's why rich people love this fugly vehicle); I would probably be very comfortable if I stuck with this car.

Cons: My mom (Prius driver) would HATE this; all of my progressive friends (Prius drivers) would HATE this.

Summary: It was fun, and if I dropped my values, it could've worked. But unfortunately, no.

The Swedish Guy: Volvo Station Wagon (2003)

Pros: Oddly stylish, if not a little too utilitarian; Still looked good for being an older model.

Cons: It was too mature a car for my tastes right now.

Summary: If you can find a Volvo close to your age, I recommend buying it long-term.

The Rocket Scientist: A Tesla Model S (2013)

Pros: Very smart feeling, I would love this lifestyle.

Cons: Vaguely cold, lacking emotion, kind of like Elon Musk himself.

Summary: Driving this car made me feel smarter, but "smarter" isn't what I'm looking for.

The Guy Who Said “Slap Me!": Chevy SSR (2006)

Pros: Conversation starter; felt different/interesting.

Cons: You need to be very open-minded; just not practical for a daily driver.

Summary: Once or twice is fun. After that, you will probably ask yourself: “What kind of person do I have to be to own this car?”

The Dude Who Delivered Pizzas for a Living: A Subaru Impreza with a little "Pizza" sign on top.

Pros: Hot and efficient; always came within 30 minutes.

Cons: Felt greasy.

Summary: Even if the pizza is bad, it’s still pretty good.

All of My Future Hookups/Loves: The Mercedes-Benz ‘Luxury in Motion Self-Driving Car’ Concept

Pros: Think about the potential! Self-driving capabilities; luxurious amenities; large doors!

Cons: This car could explode, no one knows.

Summary: Love is an exciting and dangerous game, just like driving.