1. The Turkey
This is the guy that was the “it” guy, meaning, he was like, the star football player or the guy that everyone really loved and won "Most Likely to Succeed" in high school because he had good hair. But then when you actually dated him, he was a little dry and not exactly cracked up to what everyone kept telling you about. Sure, he was great on the outside and was the focal point of your every conversation because you were dating “him,” but he low key sucked. Have fun at number one Turkey Trotter.
2. The Ham
This guy was probably shortly after the “turkey,” and was a huge let down. You thought he was going to be really great and really be the one that was "Most Likely to Succeed," and you kept trying to make the shoe fit and dress him all up, but it wasn’t working. You probably bought him a tie or some stupid thing that he wears at his new girlfriend's formal. Sure, he was great for a Thursday night meal when you didn’t want to be alone, but the ham is not exactly presentable on a day such as Thanksgiving. You still would say, “Where’s the turkey?”
3. The Stuffing
Ahhh, Stuffing. This was the number one guy. The end all be all. The true love that really swept you off of your feet. You look forward to seeing him every chance you can. He’s a nice little surprise that everyone smiles over when they see him at the dinner table, because you know he’s gonna be good. Stuffing can do no wrong, and it’s pretty hard to mess it up stuffing. You can always depend on stuffing being there when others may fail. Stuffing is love. Stuffing is life.
4. The Sweet Potatoes
Sweet Potato boy was the guy that texted you “good morning beautiful” EVERY morning. Sure, it makes you smile that one time, but after that, it’s just annoying. But it’s meant so well, and you hate to be like that about something that’s so sweet, but at some point, the marshmallows and the brown sugar on top of every word has got to stop. Have fun in fourth weirdo.
5. The Mashed Tayders
Another great guy. He was the safe guy, the guy you could always go to when you needed a last minute date to make your ex jealous. Then he ended up being pretty great, so you decided to stop stringing him along. Mashed Tayders guy may be the safe play that will always save the day, but him and Stuffing boy will always compete.
6. The Rolls
This was the guy you can’t get enough of, but he went straight to your thighs. You tried to restrain yourself, but he was just so wonderfully terrible for you. Eating an entire plate of homemade rolls compares to this guy. But he was a little too dangerous, and kind of a bad influence on you. You may still touch base every once in a while though.
7. The Green Bean Casserole
His outside appearance was not the best and a little bleh looking, but he acted like he was needed for everything, at all times. Sure, you're good, and yes, you are the safety plate that grandma brings when she knows her daughter-in-law is going to screw the holiday up. But this dude literally thought he was running the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Ego for no reason, sir.
8. The Pumpkin Pie
Personally, I’m not a pie girl. It’s too sweet, and once you get closer inside towards the crust, it’s just gross and unappealing on all aspects. Kind of similar to the guy I’m describing. This is the guy that’s good for the moment, you probably met him in college and took him to a date party, but then 30 minutes in you start to regret it because he’s shot gunning beers on your balcony and throwing the cans at cars. It’s okay honey, we all make those mistakes. Fun on the outside, terrible on the inside. All fluff.
9. The Cranberry Sauce
THE WORST EVER, in all aspects. To the woman that marries the Cranberry Sauce guy, I pity the fool. Doesn’t look good, and it isn’t pleasing to the taste buds. Who even buys this stuff? Did you just give up? We buy it every year for us to look at and it’s not even nice to look at! And you can’t mix it in with other foods, because it ruins the good food — that’s how bad it is. I could write an entire new article just on how bad cranberry sauce is. But just know, beware of the guys like this. They’re easy to spot, but some gals get stuck with buying it every year because they can’t think of another side dish to have.
If you don’t agree, I don’t really care. It’s a satrical article about Thanksgiving food and men that you can read self help books about.
Happy Holidays!
