Every morning, my alarm would go off at exactly 7:00AM, and I would immediately jump out of bed with a huge smile on my face.
I would be wearing really cute pajamas, and by some miraculous deed by the gods above, my hair would look perfect. I would then proceed to my gigantic closet to choose an outfit to wear to school, where the first few chords of my opening song will begin. My velvety smooth pipes would bust out an upbeat tune as I go through my morning routine. Kind of like “Good Morning, Baltimore” from Hairspray, except one million times better.
After a few minutes of laughing, smiling, and impressing everybody with my Adele-like singing voice while getting ready for school, I finally decide on an outfit to wear. It took me a while to choose an outfit because everything looked good on me.
Finally, it’s breakfast time, because in every movie, the characters always miraculously have time to sit down to a family breakfast before school. So, I sit at the dining room table where my mother serves me a Denny’s-like platter of pancakes. My father is at the end of the table apathetically reading the newspaper and sipping coffee. For some reason, he does not partake in the pancake eating, and my mother is okay with it. If this were real life, I would probably tell my father to eat the dang pancakes because my mother worked really hard to make them and dag nabbit he should support her. But this is a movie, so we exchange a few witty but light-hearted remarks and then I hear the bus honk outside of our house. For some reason, in my cinematic life, I still have to take the bus to school. That makes total sense.
The bus driver greets me with a smile, because all bus drivers in movies are extremely cheerful and delighted with their career choice. It’s very realistic. After I arrive to school, the first person I see is Natalie Van Woodson.
*Cue dramatic thunder and The Exorcist theme music.* I internally narrate this encounter by explaining that Natalie was my best friend until sixth grade. Then she went to acting camp the summer before seventh grade and came back convinced she was the next Julia Roberts. She’s totally stuck up now and makes my life a living nightmare. She walks up to me and calls me a dork. In this movie version of my life, I’m totally offended by this comment, and I gasp as if she just informed me that she killed all of my livestock. Then she insults my outfit, and all of her friends who stand threateningly behind her giggle. That’s when my best friend, Amy Smith, comes in and saves the day. Amy says something witty about how Natalie’s nose is fake and Natalie bursts into tears and runs away. Dang Amy is so cool. Why is my best friend cooler than me in the movie version of my life? Oh well, the bell rings and school begins.
In the movie version of my life, the morning flies by and soon it’s my favorite time of day – lunch! The cafeteria food at my school is amazing, complete with a gluten free section and a Chipotle. But the movie version of me still packs her lunch, because I’m frugal and awesome. At lunch, Amy and I are joined by our goofy guy best friend, Shane. Shane has a huge crush on me and it’s extremely obvious but I am too blissfully in love with the most popular guy in school, Chip McDevitt to even notice. Chip is a good name, right? It’s edgy and unique, and makes me think of guacamole. Any scene that Chip is in features him walking in slow motion and flipping his skater hair.
He ends every sentence with the word dude, which for some reason makes me swoon. Movie-version me has terrible taste in men.
While my pals and I are munching, the wicked witch of the west, Natalie, pretends to accidentally bump my table, making Shane’s lunch try fall onto the floor. Ugh, she is the worst. Movie-version-me has absolutely had it with Natalie’s shenanigans. I stand up and yell, “Hey!” Somehow, the entire cafeteria has heard me and becomes silent. I then deliver a dramatic monologue accompanied by sad, tinkering piano chords. I ask Natalie why she is the way that she is. I remind her of all the good times we had as kids, like when we would pretend like I worked at Burger King and she would be an evil customer that threw lettuce at me. Or when she would make me pretend like I was a horse because I had large front teeth as a child. She ride me around and force feed apples to me – come to think of it, she was always pretty evil. But I digress. Natalie comes to her senses and apologizes, and gives me a heart-felt hug. We are best friends again. It makes total sense because it’s a movie.
After defeating teenaged-evil, I head home from school where I find my little brother – Georgie – READING MY DIARY!!!!! Oh my gosh, I am so embarrassed, mostly because I still write in a diary which is a little bizarre for a girl my age. I mean, what could I possibly be writing in there that I can’t type into a blog post on the internet? Really, I probably waste hours hand writing in that diary when I could be spending that time studying or enjoying the outdoors. Movie-version-me is not very resourceful. Anyway, I scream at Georgie and he gives me back my diary and we all live happily ever after. I spend the rest of my day on a three way phone call with Amy and Shane, which is logical because it’s not like I just spent the entire school day with him. Then, I end my movie with a song. My flawless singing voices reflects on how I changed the world by making Natalie a better person. Then the credits roll in. I know, you’re probably dying to know if I will ever notice Shane, or if Chip will ever notice me. That’s what sequels are for, folks. And you know that even though this movie was extremely unpredictable and lame, you will still pay to see what happens next!
FIN!
