It is infinite - how much I wish that words were more powerful than the feelings they give us. I can’t bear the gaping mess that my life is left in without you here. I relive the shock of your loss countless times in the day - it’s torture - but I try to soothe the heartaches with hopes you're in a better place and this is part of life.

If saying, “I miss you” was enough to bring you back, I would brand it on my shoulders to keep you by my side.

If saying, “I miss you” was enough to bring you back, then the thought of losing my loves would feel less permanent. I could stand the separation a little while longer, the space between us would appear less dark, the weigh in my heart would lift less heavy.

I would try my hardest not to miss you too much so you can revel in paradise where I know you are.

How powerless does it make me feel that me saying “I miss you” doesn’t mean much anymore. I drag my feet in accepting that there are things in life we can't change and it's possible for people to disappear and there's no resolution beyond just settling.

But that doesn’t stop me from saying, “I love you” as you’re gone.

I love you. I don’t just love what you were to me, I love what you still are. I love what the impact that you’ve made in my life will bring me.

I’ll project my love and speak it into the existence in the world so you can feel it in your resting place in full and it’ll warm you. I’ll learn to love others so the radiance and the energy you gave me in life doesn’t go to waste and builds momentum into the next generation. I’ll turn my tears of grief into tears of joy so I can nourish my memories of you instead of dampening them.

I love you. And I know “I miss you” is not enough to bring you back but I hope all of my sentiments of “I love you” will immortalize you.