If It Takes You:

Have you thought about the consequences that your daughters would face if it took you? Have you thought of the impact it will have on them? Currently, only one of the girls knows who you are. My daughter has never gotten to know you because I was protecting her from your lifestyle. What will happen to her if you pass before she can confront you about your decisions? I've stated from the beginning that it isn't my place to talk to tell her about your addiction. Now every time I turn on the news and see that someone from our hometown has overdosed, I hold my breath until I know it's not you. When I see that someone has been arrested for drugs, silently, I pray it's you, so you will be off of the streets and could get the help you need.

I remember 7 years ago when we first got together I loved the fact that you were open with me about your family's drug problem. I adored the fact that you said you'd never touch drugs. The longer we were together the more I realized that you weren't being truthful. It started with marijuana, then spice, then I slowly started hearing about you doing serious drugs. I never believed it.

It wasn't until I had our daughter that I realized I needed to leave you. Slowly, but surely, you proved everyone right. The last time I took our daughter to see you, when she was 2 weeks old, you had me pinned between your bed and your wall. You were hitting everything around me. I was terrified, and that was the last time I took her to see you. From then on I told you that you had to come to our house.

You didn't see our daughter from the time she was 2 weeks old until she was 3 months old. It was during that time that I saw what your addiction had turned you into. You saw her a handful of times until the middle of the next month and then you just stopped. Over the next 3 months you were in and out of her life. Eventually when she was between 6-7 months old, I put my foot down and told you that you wouldn't be in and out. Either be consistent or leave. You chose the latter. You chose the drugs and girls over your little girl.

Now our daughter is going to be 5 and she has no memory of you. My husband and I are now picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together. He is showing her what it means to be a good person, and he's showing her what a good man is. He's the man I hoped you would be, but you weren't. Now he is choosing to raise the little girl you helped create. He's doing what you were supposed to. Instead you chose to do drugs and abandon her.

As sad as it is, I am preparing myself for the day I have to tell her about you. I pray you are around so you can answer any questions she may have. She doesn't understand that her dad isn't her biological father. When she's older I will have to tell her about your choices. She will learn about her paternal family, including her sibling, whom she's never met. One day you will have to tell her why she was not enough for you to change. Hopefully, you will be the one to tell her why you didn't sober up. You will tell her about your drugs and why they were so important.

One day, if you're here, you will see what you have put not just our daughter, but both of your daughters through. Hopefully that will be enough for you to change. They always say hindsight is 20/20. Now I know what they mean. I was young and dumb and allowed you to make choices that would forever impact the most important person in my life. So, what will happen if you're gone before this time comes? Who will answer our daughters questions? Who will tell her that she's worth more than the decisions you made? Will my husband and I be enough to change her perception of herself? Will you ever be able to answer her questions and tell her that she's important?

I pray she one day finds closure and doesn't hold grudges. I pray she gets to know her sister and makes sense of all you have done. Most importantly, I hope that even though you aren't here, that she will learn from you and your poor choices.

I truly hope that you get help one day. You were such an amazing person when you were sober, and maybe one day both of your girls will get to see that side of you. If not, don't worry, our daughter will know about all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. The sober you is still etched in my memory. The silly jokes you made, the way you'd do anything for anyone, and how you loved life. Our daughter will know that things weren't always bad, and there was a lot of love between us. he won't just know the bad, she will know the good as well. Maybe we will be able to make sense of it all. Maybe, just maybe, we will be okay.