If He Wasn't Good For Me, Why Can't I Get Over Him?

If He Wasn't Good For Me, Why Can't I Get Over Him?

You don't have to fight the breakup battle alone.
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Breakups are hard… Even the ones that we know are literally the best thing for us.

And as we fight like hell to move on, we come to the golden question…

“I know he was bad for me, so why do I still feel so deeply for him? Why do I still love him? I thought once I got back on track with the Lord, I wouldn’t desire him anymore…but the feelings just continue to increase-growing stronger and stronger.How long will I fight these feelings? I left him in the past, but he is still present in my heart.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if when we finally took a step to free ourselves from something that wasn’t good for us (aka, an unhealthy relationship) that we actually felt FREE?

I think that when we break off a relationship, walk away from something thrilling but damaging, and start on a new path, we feel the loss of companionship and hope that the pang of loneliness doesn’t trap us. That we escape its grasp and run into the arms of the RIGHT guy, the NEW life, and the FREEDOM of moving on.


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I mean, that’s how we want it to go, right?

End bad relationship? Check!

Heal from the pain of the breakup? Check!

Learn my lesson and grow in my faith? Double Check!

Never think about the ex? Check!

Meet the RIGHT guy? Check!

Live happily ever after? YES PLEASE.

But sometimes…most times…it doesn’t really happen in that perfect little order and, instead, our heart fights this dragon that has us in his grasp, breathing the pain of loss and loneliness down our neck.

So there we are, confused and alone in a dark cave, like, “HI, WHY AM I STILL SITTING IN THIS CAVE WITH THIS DANG DRAGON?”

You know, I wish I could point to a date on a calendar and say, “look, if you can hold on a little longer and make it to here, you’ll never struggle with this again. The dragon will stop breathing his fiery breath on you and you won’t feel the pain of loneliness or heartbreak again. Ever. You’ll never even think about it.”

Unfortunately, I can’t do that for two reasons:

  1. I don’t have a calendar and I can’t see into the future.
  2. I don’t know your heart or what God is doing in it.

But I do know one thing.

Your pain is normal and your feelings are valid. It’s a beautiful thing that you are taking steps out of a relationship that may not have been quite right and stepping into one with Jesus. And it’s a bazillion percent true that He alone can satisfy you.

BUT, He didn’t say that you wouldn’t experience pain. In fact, He said you would have trouble in this life. In fact, He said that you WOULD have pain in this life. But that you can fight it bravely because He has overcome the worst of the worst in the world — EVEN heartbreak like yours (John 16:33).

While you’re still sitting in that cave, while your heart is still mending and trying to move on and out of the cave, you may be thinking of Jesus more like a bucket of water than a Knight in Shining Armor. Perhaps you’ve turned Him into a treatment to ease the pain instead of the cure that ends it.


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When the pang of loneliness breaths its fiery breath on you, are you trying to dump water on it to diffuse it temporarily? Or are you letting Him fight the dragon for you — to the death? Are you turning to Jesus looking for a band-aid? Or are you letting Him actually cure the pain?

Letting Jesus overcome the world of pain we face requires a total surrender of our sword — of our desire to fix it ourselves and have it comfort us in the process. He’s not just a teddy bear to squeeze. He’s a powerhouse and we're invited to step into that power, but it costs us something. It costs us our own strength, power, and trust in ourselves that we once had.

The old way of life and the past will always try to burn us and remind us of its existence because it wants us to live there — especially if there was a thrill to it. Old habits, old flames, old love. But when Jesus is your Knight, your cure, and your King…then you are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).

So I guess I just want to tell you that although I can’t give you the perfect answer or an exact date where you will move on and conquer the dragon in your heart once and for all, I can tell you have a Knight in Shining Armor who says:

“Hey, look. You're going to face pain in this life and you won't always understand it. But compared to the glory that will come from it, this is minor. It's not even worth comparing. And, in the middle of the battle, you don't have to fight alone. Lay down your sword. I got this."

Think big picture. Think conquering dragons, not just dousing the flame.

Because you DO deserve a man who would die fighting for you. And you do have that man who proved He would die for you, 2000 years ago, on a cross.

And He conquered more than the dragon’s fiery breath. He conquered the fires of hell.

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To The Boy Who Made Me Love Again

Thank you for loving me and showing me how to love myself.

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To the boy who made me love again:

From the very beginning of our relationship, you showed me you were different. You showed me how I should be treated.

After dating someone for three years, falling in love was the last thing I wanted to do again. I did not want to grow close to anyone and fall in love with every little aspect of someone, but with you, it was so much different. You were different from other guys I had talked to. You have done small things for me that make me so happy. From offering to order me pizzas while I'm working to ordering me a key chain that says "drive safe," it's the little things you've done to make me love you.

During my previous relationship, I had come to a custom of pulling out my card to pay for dates and thought it was okay to accept the fact that good morning text did not exist. Every morning since we started dating, you never forget to text me good morning. We almost fight over who is going to pay, because I can't expect you to pay for every date. You have shown me what to expect in a relationship.

You never fail to make me happy. Whenever I say I'm hungry, you get me Mexican. When I want to watch Netflix, you immediately put on The Office. I can mention one thing I want and you buy it because you know it will make me happy. You give me forehead kisses and it puts a smile on my face. Whenever I am upset, you won't get off the phone until you figure out what is wrong and make sure everything is okay.

You make me feel beautiful. I can come over in leggings and socks and Birkenstocks or I can come over in a nice shirt and booties, but either way, you tell me I'm beautiful. Whenever I just wake up and look a hot mess, you look me in my eyes and tell me I'm beautiful.

You always tell me to be careful whenever I'm driving and you make sure to tell me you love me every night before you go to bed. You remind me of things I know I'll forget and you literally read my mind. You motivate me with my schooling and tell me how proud you are of me when I make a good grade.

I never wanted to date again and I especially did not want to fall in love; however, you are everything I dreamed of wanting. I am so blessed to have met you and fallen in love with you. So to the boy who made me want to love again, I love you and thank you for everything.

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I Asked 11 People To Tell Me Their Worst Date Experiences, And These Are Their Stories

Vulgarity, awkwardness, and embarrassment ahead. Read with caution.

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Let's face it, my fellow millennials... dating is fucking hard. There are creeps, assholes, cheapskates, gold diggers, and there are people just looking to get into your pants and leave. It's a wild world out there in the dating pool, and I've asked 11 people to share with me their worst ever dates. Here's what they had to say...

1. Magen, 28

"I went to see a movie with this guy I was lukewarm about. He was excited about the movie and told me it looked really good. Turns out it's a horror film where the protagonists are all being murdered by a young woman/poltergeist that appears in photos before killing them. Then it turns out that everyone that died gang-raped and murdered the young woman. Then after the movie, he asked me to get in the back seat: No. Then he tried to make out with me: No. When I said I wanted to go home he drove in silence for the whole 20 minutes. A week later he messaged me that if I converted to Islam we could get married. So, basically, he was a psycho."

2. Emma, 20

"I once went over a guy's house for a second date with him. The first was two days before, and it was a blind date, so I didn't really know him well. When I got to his house, we went up to his room to watch 'Up.' His room was filthy. He had dirty socks, underwear, and clothes everywhere. His bed was unmade, too. I sat up and leaned against his headboard as he sat about a foot away from me, awkwardly leaning back on his elbows. After the movie was over, I made up an excuse to leave, saying I had to clean my house for my mom. He walked me to my car and kissed me out of nowhere. He then proceeded to ask me to officially be his girlfriend. I told him that we should go on more dates and see where it goes from there. I drove back to my house and when I got home, I texted him and told him I didn't see it going anywhere."

3. Emily, 25

"A guy asked me to lick his asshole in the middle of dinner."

4. Michael, 25

"I was walking up to a restaurant and just happened to walk past my date when she was snorting Xanax in her car. I turned right around and drove to Wendy's and got a Baconator."

5. Lily, 22

"On my first date with a guy, I drove him to Sonic. He flirted with the waitress and I had to pay for both of our meals because he was 'trying to be more careful with his money.'"

6. Anonymous, 23

"I met a man online to be my new sugar daddy. We only talked for a day and he wanted to meet at the mall. So the morning of I texted him where exactly and he told me to meet at a bar/restaurant. I show up in a t-shirt and white/gray floral workout leggings. We're making awkward small talk. He's telling me about the girls he tried to see before how they all ghosted him and he didn't know why. He was a very attractive man in a rich industry so I was excited to be pretty high on his list. Twenty-five mins into it, I have to use the bathroom. I was feeling crampy all day and knew my period was coming. I excuse myself to the bathroom and walk away. As soon as I get into the restroom, I look in the mirror and see a HUGE bloody stain on my ass. I'm EMBARRASSED. I try to dab as much blood out as possible and shove toilet paper in my underwear to use as a pad. I cover my butt with my sweatshirt and walk back to my seat. Luckily the seat was black so it didn't show but I could see a damp spot. He didn't notice I don't think but I needed to change so I suggested we walk around the mall. I tell him I'm gonna run to my car for something then meet back up with him. I found some black leggings in my trunk and change. I met up with him again and he noticed the change but didn't say anything. After we walked around we went back to his car and he gave me $100. He said he wanted to see me again a few days later. The day came to hang out and HE ghosted me."

7. Marilyn, 23

"A boy I met off Tinder took me to a generic, less nice, knock-off of Olive Garden, bought me dinner and then went and watched a movie with his parents. Leans over to me, whispers 'You should take my virginity because I bought you dinner.' His parents asked what he said because I made a weird face and then left."

8. Bree, 26

"I went to see a movie (the first 'Fantastic Beasts') and the guy spent the entire movie talking about how 'his woman' shouldn't work and how he wanted someone to service him. Not the previews. The actual movie itself. No second date, although he texted me every day for a month after."

9. Mia, 20

"I was 15 and I met this guy and we went to a play and then to get dessert. Since neither of us could drive my parents dropped him off at his house after dessert and he kissed me on the forehead and said I love you as he left the car IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS. I had met him like once before."

10. Annie, 21

"We went to see 'Mission Impossible: Fall Out.' He didn't like it, so we left 20 minutes into the movie. We went to go get food (Bonbon Sushi), he made fun of my order, spent the entire date making weird jokes that were definitely not 'first date' type jokes (ex. 'I can tell you're gonna be a handful, figuratively and literally'), told me I was too nice (in a bad way), and that he was mean. I said I don't really like mean, even if it's just joking. He drove me home, asked me to RATE THE DATE (WTF). I said, 'I don't know, I don't really want to do that.' He said, 'Well, I'm asking you to be honest.' I said, 'okay...well...I guess a seven then.' I was being generous. He said, 'Seven?! What could I have done better?' I said, 'Honestly, primarily just being nicer. It's a first date, don't you want to put your best foot forward?' He laughed in my face, said, 'Well, this isn't going to work out then,' and DROVE AWAY! I thought, 'well, at least he knows it wasn't a good date.' Two days later, he texts me asking for a second date..."

11. Ash, 21

"We were friends and then started dating. The relationship was really short-lived and ended up being pretty crappy, but he talked for like a week about wanting to take me out for burgers at a nearby diner and then 'forgot' his card at home. I ended up paying, and he promised he would pay for the next date. Then ghosted me for a week, and when I confronted him about it, he ended up dumping me in front of my dorm building."

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