My name is Ian, and I struggle with periods of major depression.
You may not know it by talking to me on a daily basis, and may think I'm outright lying on my best days, but long-term happiness has never come easy for me and i'm not afraid to tell you that. If you know me personally, this article may come as a shock to you, but I promise you it is all the truth.
How depression is depicted in popular culture is a far departure from what it's like for most of us that live with it. It's not an overwhelming sadness, or a panic attack, or screaming and lashing out, although those actions may be a direct result of an associated mental illness, such as anxiety. Depression, to me, feels more like nothing. Nothing seems good enough to get out of bed for. On my worst days, not even Tom Brady walking in my room with a football used in the superbowl and asking me to go play catch could get me out of bed, and typically I would do anything for that glorious individual. All you do is sit, for as long as your life will allow you to do, and ruminate on why you feel this way. You think about it near constantly until you begin to ask yourself such lovely questions as;
What did I do wrong? Why am I like this? Will this ever end? Do I deserve this? When will it stop? How do I MAKE it stop?
When these questions start popping up is when you're in real trouble my friends. If you start answering those questions? You need help.
While people from every gender, race, ethnicity, and sexual orientation suffer from depression, men are brought up with a toxic mentality towards asking for help. As a man, you're taught several harmful things which adults think will somehow make you into a better, "grown-up," the worst of which is never to ask for help. "Boys don't cry." "You're a big boy, so act like it." "Suck it up." and, worst of all, "Man up." These phrases teach boys, from a young age, that pain, heartbreak, sorrow, confusion, and depression are unnatural and are feelings only to be suppressed, masked by a tough face, a bad attitude, or violence. Even after seeking out a therapist and beginning anti-depressant medication, I still have many issues talking to my friends and family about my feelings. In fact, many of my friends and family reading this article may be learning about these events in my life at this very moment. Everyone has their own means to express negative emotions or energy, but if you never accept that the pain in your heart and your brain NEEDS to be talked about and explored with someone, then you'll end up just like me in July of 2016; Spending a day in bed planning where and when to end your own life.
Human beings are blessed with amazing brains that can reason, comprehend, process, and dream. These brains also have the uncanny ability to set up downward spirals in which we have ever more disastrous thoughts, about the disastrous thoughts we're having. In Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, the author refers to this as the, "feedback loop from hell," and I truly cannot think of a better explanation of ruminating on depressive thoughts. The best way to break out of this loop? Talk to someone. Express your thoughts out loud to someone who cares about you, and talk out your feelings. A friend, a coach, a teacher, a counselor, a stranger, your mom, it doesn't matter. It may not make things go away right way, but it will put you on the path to understanding the emotions you have about the events that occurred which made you feel how you do.
It wasn't until I spoke with trusted friends about how I was feeling that these intrusive thoughts began to fade away, and I began to live a normal life again. If I hadn't had these conversations, and the resources to seek professional help, i'm not sure if my life would be how it is today.
I'm living proof that staying silent about your inner pains will help no one. You aren't a pussy, you aren't a bitch, you are bothering no one by talking about these feelings. You are a human being, and you need to take care of yourself. People love you, people care about you, and you are, or will be, someone's whole world. Trust me when I say that, as bad as it is right now, it will get so much better. If you're thinking of taking your own life, please consider this your sign, your excuse, your reason not to.
Call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255
Don't, "man up." Talk.
