There are a few reasons that the terms "mom" and "dad" do not come out of my mouth very often when I am talking to and about my parents. My definitions and thoughts of those terms are way different than they should be due to my life experiences. I have also only known David and Julie since I was a sixteen year old with the mindset of "what's next" and "when can I be 18 and done with this." Most importantly these terms are foreign and uncomfortable to me. In my heart, I haven't truly called anyone "mom" since I was 12 years old - this is a very important fact to start this off with, so here we go.

When I think of the term "mom," I think back to when I still lived with my biological mom, Ruth. In my head, I still see myself as that small ten year old who has no worries in the world. I think about taking car rides up to Illinois for the Fourth of July for my favorite celebration of the year. I think about crawling into bed and matching my every breath to hers to calm my bad dreams. I think about jamming to the radio - if she could sit and sing to me for a whole day, I would be content. I believe those will always be the memories I have with that term. On the other hand, I never really had a "dad." For the first portion of my childhood, my younger sisters' dad was around, and that's who I always remember calling "dad." That was up until I was four, mind you. I don't remember much after that. There were my mom's boyfriends, but I don't remember too much about those relationships and how they affected me. My "father" tried getting custody of a few of us once we were taken into "the system," but that did not last long. He was not a person I could see myself forming a relationship with, so I ended those visitations. I did not feel comfortable, easy as that. This was somewhere around the time when our sibling group was split for the last time - more on that later BUT since I no longer had those two people in my life - and my siblings, I figured it would always be just me. I no longer had the ties and dependency on anyone else - emotionally speaking. I moved around so much, that the pronouns "mom" and "dad" were not included into my vocabulary anymore. I always kept everyone at great distances, because I knew that the only person I could depend on was myself.

I made the decision to move to Kansas City. I left everything comfortable behind, but I KNEW this was my best route for success. There was a huge part of me that wanted to show everyone I left behind just how independent I was, and that I was going to make it all alone; I just needed to stick it out a few more years and then I was set. I moved in with David and Julie just before my 16th birthday. After a few discussions, they heard my stand point on "aging out" and not moving forward with adoption, and they were okay with it. Yet, they still pursued a relationship with me. The relationships I built with David and Julie were different than any relationships that I had ever formed with anyone else. From the outside, I am sure that it seemed as if they were never NOT my parents. They encouraged me, set me up for success with the basics (plus some) on "how to be an adult," and were there to walk me through my failures - no matter how big.

Whenever I introduced them to any of my friends, it was always "this is my...*pause*... mom and dad," but I only ever said that because no one wants to start off anything with "These are my foster parents" as that usually leads to conversations I was not ready to have; it was just easier to use those words. I am the kind of person that bottles everything up and lets nobody into to my mess - I have learned that there is a lot less room for hurt if it's just myself. BUT during the couple years left of high school, I went through quite a bit of growth, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (not physically, unfortunately). I started believing that these two individuals had my best interest in mind and would even continue to pursue a relationship with me beyond my 18th birthday. As I let them into the mess and maze of my guarded heart, I found that it became easier for me to use the the phrase "this is my mom and dad" and slowly, but surely, it became more true.

Fast forward through: choosing to go forward with the adoption, graduating, going to college, moving back home, going through their divorce, and even getting married myself. I know that no matter what, David and Julie have my best interest in mind and that they love me unconditionally. Isn't that what being a parent is about? Never once had they asked me to call them "mom" and "dad". I think they understand that I will probably always call them by their name, and they have never said they have any issues with it. They ALWAYS called me their daughter, though. There was never any question with that.

With an open heart,

Kayla Olsen

PS: I am looking forward to “unguarding" by heart with you all! My goal is to dive into more of my life in, through, and because of foster care and adoption with complete vulnerability. Look for new posts on the second and fourth Tuesday of the month! Thank you for coming along this journey with me! Feel free to message me via facebook or instagram if you have any questions about foster care, adoption, or my life, and I will do my absolute best to answer!