For those of you who remember my article Confessions of a Former Fat Girl, welcome back. Grab yourself a cup of tea and get comfy. For those you who didn't read that article 1. Umm, why? 2. It's right here. Click the link, get yourself caught up and come back when you're ready for this tea.
I'm going to tell you a secret. Being skinnier doesn't make you happier.
Shocker to some of you I know, and to others, this is old news but it's true and I wanna talk about it.
In high school I was anorexic. I didn't know it at the time. I was only recently made aware that I had been clinically diagnosed with the condition when I went to the doctor's office and was reviewing the "previous conditions" section of my medical forms.
I was skinny in high school. The summer after eighth grade I made it my mission to lose my abundance of baby fat, and I did, healthily. At my lowest, I weighed 115 pounds and was 5' 4." That's actually considered underweight, even though many girls I knew at that time strived to weigh and even 100 pounds. Eventually, though I started gaining a couple of pounds which totally is normal for a teenage girl going through puberty. But just those few extra numbers on the scale was enough to shake my mentality.
I began skipping lunch.
Telling my parents that I had a meal when I really just snacked on a friend's leftovers. Often times a Coke Zero and a few chips were all the food I consumed until dinner. When I ate a family-style dinner, I would get extremely small portions and be done eating in about five minutes. If I was able to, I'd make myself a bowl of soup and just eat that instead.
It's important to note that I was not knowingly restricting my food. During this time I really convinced myself that I wasn't hungry and that chips and soup would fill me up. I was wrong. In total, I consumed less than 500 calories a day which is considered anorexic. I followed this regimen for about two weeks.
Eventually, though I did get hungry.
It wasn't a normal hunger either. It was the kind of hunger where you open the pantry and eat everything thing in sight even if you didn't really like the food. I started going on these "benders." I would be really good about my soup and chip routine for three days, then on the fourth, I would lose all control and eat 4000 calories of junk food in one sitting. The day after a bender I wouldn't eat at all. Then the cycle repeats all over again. This pattern lasted for the next two years of my life.
During this time the scale was my God. If I was down a couple of pounds, I'd let myself have a cookie. If I was up, I'd cry into my pillow and skip the lunch chips. I had a toxic relationship with my body, food, and my mindset.
I really thought that staying that 115 pounds, almost perfect skinny, would make me the happiest.
I gained about 15 pounds during that 2-year food cycle. Needless to say, starving yourself for days at a time is not the best way to lose weight. It's not the best way to do anything, except keep yourself in a constant state of torment.
Years later, I've learned from that experience. I'm now in my early 20s and for the first time in my life, I'm understanding how to have a healthy relationship with my body. The gym has become my best friend, and the scale has been demoted to an acquaintance. I eat at least three meals a day, plus snacks.
It's hard to end this piece with any takeaway or words of advice because when you're so young and in this state of mind, you don't realize you have a toxic relationship with your body. It seems normal. All I can say is check in on your friends of all ages, make sure they're eating because anorexia isn't just a teenage disorder, anyone of any gender can get it. They might not see it, but you might. So keep an eye out.
