Every closing shift, a sales associate is randomly picked to go into both restrooms to take out the trash and "tidy" up. Knowing these sales associates, I can promise you they do not get down and dirty with the toilets to clean them. I say "these sales associates" because I have not been randomly picked to clean the restrooms…yet. Although I have seen the toilets filled with blue liquid cleaning, the actual toilet seat may have never or rarely been sanitized. But I can tell you, there are no seat protectors so thinking of using the restroom at work from a sanitary standpoint is dreadful.

From a binary standpoint, using the restroom is awkward and uncomfortable. I go into the Women's restroom not knowing if I am going to see an elderly woman look me up and down concerned that I may be in the wrong restroom or see a mother running around a small condensed area trying to gather her children. The Women's restroom is just a lot and maybe the Men's is too, but I have always used the Women's restroom so what would I know? Well, that is true until last week when I decided to try out the Men's restroom. Not going to sit here and say I didn't look around to see who may or may not be around because I totally did. All of my coworkers have seen me go into the Women's restroom, so I didn't want to make it a big deal when I took a chance at the Men's restroom.

I stood for a moment in silence, cancelling out the chatter over the headset that I wear at work and realized this is a very surreal moment. Standing between the Men's and the Women's restroom was the moment I truly realized, I did not prefer either. I wanted to use a restroom that is gender neutral because that is how I identify. Not many places have gender neutral restrooms, but I felt confined. Either restroom I used, I was facing someone or no one behind the door in which I did not want to face. If I faced another individual in either the Men's or the Women's restroom, to them, I was of that gender because I was using that particular restroom and if I faced no one, I was facing myself. The feeling of conforming to the binary at that moment is always a battle.

So, I gathered the last bit of clean oxygen I could, and I pushed through the door that said "Men's". My first reaction was obviously the two urinals just chilling like statues. It was new, but not overwhelming. Next, I saw the big stall which I am guessing is the sh*t chute because it was the only stall there. So, knowing I was about to use the restroom in a stall that was probably used by others to take a dump was not ideal. If faced with someone else in the restroom at that moment, I would've had a foul look on my face. But I was relieved I did not face anyone…that is until about ten seconds after I went into the stall because I heard the door open. It was a rather pubescent voice, but a voice that was arrogant as I overheard the conversation on the phone. Should I take a step back and wonder why he was on the phone in the restroom in the first place or continue?

As I was in the stall, I somewhat felt like I was hiding. I had already used the restroom, but I didn't move. I wasn't sure what the individual behind the stall was capable of word-wise. I know I can handle myself if I were to encounter anyone physically, but verbally at this point, I am easily affected by the words of others. It is mentally hurtful beyond the words I could describe. Thus, I move off the toilet, but I forget it is automatic and it begins to loudly flush and I hear the individual in the background move suddenly. It dawned on me that I knew there was someone else in the restroom, but they did not. I mean, how could they? I was practically hiding.

They race out of the restroom (still on the phone) and I gather myself to race out as well because I didn't want to hide all day. I don't bother washing my hands as I know there is a sink in our breakroom that I can use, but a small two-minute restroom break just felt like damn near an hour. So, for now, I will settle with the Women's restroom, the questionable looks by others, and the mothers trying to gather their young.

No, I do not feel comfortable in the Women's restroom and I do not feel comfortable in the Men's, but it was a change and one that takes time. For now, I am still choosing the Women's restroom as restroom of choice, but once I see greater physical changes, I may shoot my shot at the Men's restroom again. Hey, at least I now can say I've had experiences in both and for anyone that says the Men's restroom is gross, well they just might be right, but so is the Women's. Ultimately public restrooms just aren't for me, but I am thankful America has them even if the majority are binary.