I Relapsed But I'm OK

I Relapsed But I'm OK

This Is My Truth

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I know this year has just started, and I won't say I am 100% recovered because like Demi Lovato said: "Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that it doesn't get a day off." I also know I am not where I want to be in my recovery stage yet, but I am working on it.

What I will admit though last year was harder then I made it seem. I was losing myself and depression slowly came up and then after a while, it just hits you fast like that bus hit Regina George in "Mean Girls".

So what does depression look like?

It's being tired all the time but staying up till 3 in the morning. It's losing the things you love. Writing becomes hard to do. Music becomes sad and dark. Reading just doesn't happen because you have not the energy. School starts to slip, first you miss one class then you stop showing up unless you have too, becoming one of those students. You distance yourself from everyone around you. You lose touch of your emotions. Your scared of people asking "What's wrong?" And don't get me wrong, there are bursts of happiness but it's easy to get fully your trapped in your mind. Performing seems to get harder to do because you think everything people say is a lie and you become your worst critic.

Then there are the days you look in the mirror and hate the person you see. There are days where you cry in the mirror because you wish you say something else. So you go from eating 3 meals like most people to only eating one, and when that wasn't enough you would fast just to feel empty.

I will admit to this day there are days where I struggle to eat. I know it is not normal for me to eat only once a day but it has grown into a habit. I am trying to push myself to be better at this and I may not be at 3 meals right now but on some days I push myself to have two and that is something to be proud of.

Then things got dark and I'm slightly scared to admit it, but I will say I am better from it. When I was at my worst I had thoughts of suicide and it wasn't like I was going to take my life, it was more of if something happened I wouldn't have cared. I became selfish. I was scared to cause major damage I slipped back into hurting myself and this went on for a while.

Then something changed and I knew that isn't what I wanted in life.

What if my little sister would have seen that or any other family member.

So I flushed all the bad things I was using on my body and told a friend. Not just any friend my best friend and she was so supportive. She's always there when I need her and I don't know what I would do without her.

So here we are 2019 and I am focusing on myself and trying to love myself. I am single but I know I can't truly love anyone until I learn to love myself. I am learning how to cope with my emotions and right now I love poetry and art. I may not be good at it but I love it and that's all that matters. I know if I need help, I can ask for it.

So the truth is I did relapse, I am not proud of it, but this time I can learn from it.

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When Rape Is Okay

Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assualted.
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We see and here about rape almost everyday. Whether someone cracks a joke about it, or a new news story on the TV, rape is real. Many people, not just women, that are victims of rape never go to the police, or press charges because the way our culture tries to victim blame. The only person we should be blaming the rape on, is the rapist. But there is no minimal sentence for a rapist, when it comes down to being charged. Because people doubting, questioning the victim, and the rapist not being made accountable, most rape victims do not tell police because of these things.

Now what is rape? How many people get raped annually? Is it just women between 15-30? When is rape okay?

Rape
NOUN
1. the crime, typically committed by a man, of forcing another person to have sexual intercourse with the offender against their will

Over 321,000 people are sexually assaulted annually, mostly ages between 15-34. One in six women are a victim, and one in ten are men. But everyone already knows all these facts, everyone hears about these growing up.

So when is rape okay? According to what society tells us...

After you drug her drink.
When her clothes are provocative.
After she had too much to drink.
After she is left alone at the bar.
Walking home by herself after class.
After she says no.
After she no longer can response.
Even if you two are in a relationship, and they still said no.


I mean, rape is okay - well at least that's what society teaches us. But rape is not okay. Rape is rape. Anyone that rapes another person, regardless of age, sex, race, social status, needs to be held accountable for their choices.

Society needs to stop ignoring the fact that rape happens, and how often of it. We need to stop victim blaming. We need to stop letting colleges and police officers push rape cases under the rug. We need to give the victim the help they need, and the rapist needs to service his time.

If I want to wear a low cut shirt, and a mini skirt, I should be able to without being cat called. If I want to drink my heart away one night, I should be able to without fear that someone will try and take me home. If I am no longer able to communicate with someone, you should leave me alone. I shouldn't have to purchase rape-proof underwear for me to go out with my friends and have fun.

No one should have to worry about any of those things. Remember rape doesn't just happen on the weekend at a college town bar. Rape happens in the daylight when someone goes to another persons house to help them. A rapist doesn't care if it's Wednesday at 2 o'clock, or if it's a late night after a football game.

Every 98 seconds someone, somewhere in the United States. Instead of teaching "don't get raped," let's teach "don't rape."

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I Faced My Fear Of Dressing 'Provocatively' Because What I Really Feared Was Sexual Assault

Getting dressed in the morning shouldn't be something any girl is convinced will be a nightmare.

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As a girl, I was always told to "cover up." Shirts should have sleeves, cleavage shouldn't peak out, dresses should reach the knees, and makeup shouldn't be "too much." If my clothes fit me a certain way, I would be inviting people to basically attack me and anything that happens would be my fault. Because "boys will be boys," and that means it's in their DNA to gawk at pretty girls.

And even with me being called "chubby," or "thick," or "closed off," and "unapproachable," that still applied to me. I was a "pretty girl" and therefore a target if my shoulders were out. When you're twelve or fifteen, it feels like a protocol. It's the way it is and covering up is for your own good.

And all through high school, I followed the rules. I didn't dress even remotely provocatively out of fear. I was comfortable with being more reserved. I had confidence without being prudish, and I felt secure. But in time, I realized that even though my loved ones may have been just trying to keep me safe, they were victim blaming. People were telling me that if something bad happened to me, it would be my fault for dressing a certain way. But they weren't preparing me for the real fear: sexual assault

I finally realized I would never be at fault for being assaulted, God forbid it'd ever happen. It's completely out of my hands. The fear of showing my shoulders of thighs wasn't something to fear at all. Predators don't walk around with a checklist with requirements we need to meet in order to be a target.

And no one was going to tell me "you can't wear that," or deceive me by telling me I was "asking for it." So I bought a dress that was more revealing than anything I'd ever worn. It wasn't like the cute sundresses I always wore before. It was lowcut and short and when I clicked the "submit order" button, I felt like I'd done something bad. I felt all the words of assistant principals and aunts and grandmothers and my dad. It hung in my closet for months and collected dust with all the shorts I decided I was too tall to wear and tops that showed too much skin.

Then I decided to wear it on my 19th birthday. I knew I'd be with people I was comfortable around and just their presence would make me feel safe. The way I dressed would never matter, but especially not on my night. And it felt so good. I was a new kind of confident and I loved my body in a way I hadn't before. Because in all honesty, I didn't love it much. And the last thing I needed was another reason not to love my body. I was convinced it wasn't good for much more than tempting pervy men. Not to mention, I wasn't really worried about making myself look good as much as I was staying on guard.

I regained so much confidence. The kind of confidence you have when you're five and dress yourself for the first time and you feel fabulous with the plethora of patterns and colors you've chosen. No one was holding me back. I just broke the fear that people would be watching. Because they're not, they're too worried about themselves.

If it's hot, I wear less. If I'm feeling good about the way I look, I'll wear less. If I'm in a mood where wearing too much is going to annoy me, I'll wear less. And if anyone thinks my clothes, or my lack thereof, have to do with anything other than that, that's their problem.

Getting dressed in the morning shouldn't be something any girl is convinced will be a nightmare. Or clothes aren't supposed to be the monsters in our closets we were afraid of.

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