I know this year has just started, and I won't say I am 100% recovered because like Demi Lovato said: "Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that it doesn't get a day off." I also know I am not where I want to be in my recovery stage yet, but I am working on it.
What I will admit though last year was harder then I made it seem. I was losing myself and depression slowly came up and then after a while, it just hits you fast like that bus hit Regina George in "Mean Girls".
So what does depression look like?
It's being tired all the time but staying up till 3 in the morning. It's losing the things you love. Writing becomes hard to do. Music becomes sad and dark. Reading just doesn't happen because you have not the energy. School starts to slip, first you miss one class then you stop showing up unless you have too, becoming one of those students. You distance yourself from everyone around you. You lose touch of your emotions. Your scared of people asking "What's wrong?" And don't get me wrong, there are bursts of happiness but it's easy to get fully your trapped in your mind. Performing seems to get harder to do because you think everything people say is a lie and you become your worst critic.
Then there are the days you look in the mirror and hate the person you see. There are days where you cry in the mirror because you wish you say something else. So you go from eating 3 meals like most people to only eating one, and when that wasn't enough you would fast just to feel empty.
I will admit to this day there are days where I struggle to eat. I know it is not normal for me to eat only once a day but it has grown into a habit. I am trying to push myself to be better at this and I may not be at 3 meals right now but on some days I push myself to have two and that is something to be proud of.
Then things got dark and I'm slightly scared to admit it, but I will say I am better from it. When I was at my worst I had thoughts of suicide and it wasn't like I was going to take my life, it was more of if something happened I wouldn't have cared. I became selfish. I was scared to cause major damage I slipped back into hurting myself and this went on for a while.
Then something changed and I knew that isn't what I wanted in life.
What if my little sister would have seen that or any other family member.
So I flushed all the bad things I was using on my body and told a friend. Not just any friend my best friend and she was so supportive. She's always there when I need her and I don't know what I would do without her.
So here we are 2019 and I am focusing on myself and trying to love myself. I am single but I know I can't truly love anyone until I learn to love myself. I am learning how to cope with my emotions and right now I love poetry and art. I may not be good at it but I love it and that's all that matters. I know if I need help, I can ask for it.
So the truth is I did relapse, I am not proud of it, but this time I can learn from it.