I Relapsed But I'm OK

I Relapsed But I'm OK

This Is My Truth


I know this year has just started, and I won't say I am 100% recovered because like Demi Lovato said: "Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that it doesn't get a day off." I also know I am not where I want to be in my recovery stage yet, but I am working on it.

What I will admit though last year was harder then I made it seem. I was losing myself and depression slowly came up and then after a while, it just hits you fast like that bus hit Regina George in "Mean Girls".

So what does depression look like?

It's being tired all the time but staying up till 3 in the morning. It's losing the things you love. Writing becomes hard to do. Music becomes sad and dark. Reading just doesn't happen because you have not the energy. School starts to slip, first you miss one class then you stop showing up unless you have too, becoming one of those students. You distance yourself from everyone around you. You lose touch of your emotions. Your scared of people asking "What's wrong?" And don't get me wrong, there are bursts of happiness but it's easy to get fully your trapped in your mind. Performing seems to get harder to do because you think everything people say is a lie and you become your worst critic.

Then there are the days you look in the mirror and hate the person you see. There are days where you cry in the mirror because you wish you say something else. So you go from eating 3 meals like most people to only eating one, and when that wasn't enough you would fast just to feel empty.

I will admit to this day there are days where I struggle to eat. I know it is not normal for me to eat only once a day but it has grown into a habit. I am trying to push myself to be better at this and I may not be at 3 meals right now but on some days I push myself to have two and that is something to be proud of.

Then things got dark and I'm slightly scared to admit it, but I will say I am better from it. When I was at my worst I had thoughts of suicide and it wasn't like I was going to take my life, it was more of if something happened I wouldn't have cared. I became selfish. I was scared to cause major damage I slipped back into hurting myself and this went on for a while.

Then something changed and I knew that isn't what I wanted in life.

What if my little sister would have seen that or any other family member.

So I flushed all the bad things I was using on my body and told a friend. Not just any friend my best friend and she was so supportive. She's always there when I need her and I don't know what I would do without her.

So here we are 2019 and I am focusing on myself and trying to love myself. I am single but I know I can't truly love anyone until I learn to love myself. I am learning how to cope with my emotions and right now I love poetry and art. I may not be good at it but I love it and that's all that matters. I know if I need help, I can ask for it.

So the truth is I did relapse, I am not proud of it, but this time I can learn from it.

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How The Past Affects The Present

The funny thing about trauma is that people don’t really like to admit that they’ve experienced it.

I am continually amazed just how much my past affects my present. I am the person I am today because of the culmination of all my past experiences. Some of these experiences make me a better person, and some of them make me a bit more difficult or complicated.

It is scientifically proven that a person experiences trauma even before they are born. If a pregnant mother is in a car accident, she experiences trauma, increasing her heart rate and passing that trauma on to her baby. The funny thing about trauma is that people don’t really like to admit that they’ve experienced it. We’ve all seen Grey’s Anatomy, so most of us believe that something has to be horrific in order to be deemed traumatic. An icicle has to pierce you in the stomach or you have to be rescued from drowning just in the nick of time. Really, trauma is anything that shuts down the upper brain, putting your body into the fight or flight mode. I would argue that everyone has experienced trauma of some degree at least once in life.

However, despite having this knowledge, I am still amazed at just how little I think about my past experiences and just how rarely I admit that some could be classified as traumatic. If I’m being honest, I can admit that I don’t like to focus on painful pieces of my past too much. There are memories that still make me sick to my stomach when I think about them in depth, and there are songs that I don’t like to listen to because I get flashbacks to something upsetting. Recently, I’ve been very focused on the future, so focused that I haven’t realized just how subconsciously overcome I’ve been with my past.

Someone called me out this week, and it made me think about why I behave the way I do. I realized how much of a hold my past still has on me. This isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is good to remember the past and learn from mistakes, unhealthy relationships, or painful confrontations. Other times, it can hold me back. Some mistakes keep me up at night even though no one else remembers that I made them. Sometimes unhealthy relationships keep me from trying to build new ones. Why try to meet new people when being on my own works well? And, honestly, confrontations always seem to be painful no matter how many times I force myself to confront.

I’m not sure my past will ever let go of me, and I know I wouldn’t really want that because it is the foundation of who I am now, metaphorically speaking, roots to a plant. It’s good to know, however, that there is a moment where I get to decide when to stay rooted and when to surpass my previous experiences and attempt to make new, better memories.

Cover Image Credit: pxhere

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To The Girls Who Cry Rape, Think About What You're Doing

As a woman, it is embarrassing to see other women using something as serious as rape to get revenge.


In the old fable, the more the boy lies about the wolves the less validity he has. Similarly, with every woman that is caught lying the less valid each woman becomes after that. Because of the women who lie about sexual assault, the women who have actually been assaulted might never get the justice they deserve.

The 2006 Duke Lacross team scandal, the UVA "gang rape" in 2012, or more recently the former Baylor football player Shawn Oakman; all these cases involve women lying about sexual abuse. These women get up on the stand under oath and lie about who sexually assaulted them and sometimes lie about being assaulted altogether. When these women lie about something as serious as rape it has ample consequences.

What they either don't realize or chose to ignore, is the fact that lying will significantly affect the way REAL sexual assault cases are handled.

Courts are going to want to see more and more evidence in order to convict people which could lead to actual offenders being let off solely because juries or judges are second-guessing themselves. On top of that, it is just flat out cruel to real victims. When they see these cases on TV that are so similar to their own, they relate to the "victim" and in turn believe everything they say; and when these cases come out as fake it can be devastating to the real victims.

Lying about sexual assault not only affects the victims but can ruin the accused person's life.

When a man is accused of sexual assault they are, without question, guilty to most people. People tend to jump to conclusions and more often than not they chose to believe the "victim" even when there is no evidence to support her claim.

"Oh, but look how upset she is he has to be guilty"

"You can't fake those tears"

Don't underestimate the lengths people will go to, to get what they want.

They were probably crying because they are committing a federal offense that they could be thrown in prison for. In my opinion, they should be thrown in prison. They are knowingly committing perjury (lying under oath) and possibly ruining someone's life. In some cases, the accused were in prison for years until the truth finally came out but at that point, it was too late. These men were already labeled rapists, they lost their jobs, they didn't get to finish school. These men, some of who had their whole career ahead of them, are now left with nothing but their "freedom" and the women who accused them are not only just as free but still have their lives intact.

The women who falsely accuse men of sexual assault should receive some of the same jail time and/or consequences that the men they accuse.

As a sister, the thought of some girl falsely accusing my brother of sexual assault is terrifying. Young men are living in a constant state of fear when it comes to interacting with women. I have heard some of them joke about how they are going to start carrying around contracts and cameras every time they talk to a girl, but the fact they even have to joke about that is ridiculous. Women these days are frustrated that men don't make the first move, but it's because literally anything they do could be considered assault and even if they don't do anything the girl could lie and say they did.

If a woman is caught lying about who assaulted her, the magnitude of the assault, or if she was assaulted at all; there should be serious consequences because the consequences that the person she accused received/could receive are life-altering.

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