I'm 16 years old and this is the beginning of it all.

I was 14 years old when I first started dating. I didn't know if I actually had feelings or if I was just playing around. I didn't feel anything with my first boyfriend ever and we were dating for 2 years I think, I'm not sure. We weren't always lovey dubby. We barely saw each other. We broke up a lot, but we got right back together. I was confused. I was stuck. I was a child. Which don't get me wrong I still am, but I'm mature now. Like at some points I didn't care about him leaving or blocking me and not calling. Then there were days where I felt nothing but guilt when he didn't call or when he did block me. Some days were harder with him and it made me feel trapped. I couldn't bring myself to leave, because I had no one else to run to, talk to and or call. No one knew about him besides the people I hung out with around him. He was a secret for 2 years because I never posted him. I don't know what was going on with me. I was a fool when I started dating him, but it was always away from my home. I never spoke of him at home. I didn't wanna risk getting in trouble or something.

I gave up

I gave up on him and I just had to tell him it was over. It was pointless, and we didn't even kiss and we've been dating for a couple of years. I did try to make it more than it was. It wasn't working. I just got more bored over the years. When I felt bored and needed a boyfriend I asked him to get back together. I don't know why I did that. That's a bold move. I liked how warming and tightly he hugged me, but everything else I don't favor in. After I fully gave up on him. I took a break from boys and waited until I found someone I'd like. I never did. I just told people I like them knowing I didn't. I was bored I was finally in high school. I was a freshman playing around and doing what teens do. They led people on and then leave. I didn't do that though. August 2018 was the first month of high school. I was happy, ready to focus and make new friends. Too bad none of that happened. I started failing because I was distracted by my phone during class. I was worried about a lot of things. September passed, October came. I met this guy, I texted him which I had no interest in him when I did. I lied to him and told him I liked him. Like I said before it's what I do best (fake my feelings). He made me happy, he made me feel better. He was the reason I passed the first semester. I liked him, but then he started to change...

He was toxic very toxic

We started dating in October and we broke up in December. I let that pass and let what he did go and I let it slide. I loved him too much to just give up on him. I was told " I'm gonna change I promise. I just need time." I believed him and when he came back into my life I gave him another chance, Which was Mid January. He made me forget about all the horrible things he'd done before the new year. Then there was a moment when all those memories came rushing back to me, and I broke up with him. I told him " we're done for good, all you ever do is lie, you're a very toxic person and I don't wanna deal with that anymore." he seemed as if he didn't care. I didn't stress it or worry about it. A few moments later he called and started yelling, but I couldn't hear him. I didn't care what he had to say I just wanted him out of my life for good. That was hard. We started back talking and we got back together AGAIN. February came and he was the sweetest. Then March and all he did was cheat. I have my sources and I can tell when someone's not feeling me anymore. I argued and went off about it for a while, but then I gave up on him and let him do him for a bit. I was just fed up. We got back together toward the end of March. I have no clue how, but we managed to get back together. Then April came, and we were happy and doing fine. We hung out a lot. I started making lots of memories. Then his birthday came up, and I had to break up with him. He was cheating on me. He thought I didn't know. I still told him happy birthday and I saw him hours before I broke up with him. I just could not anymore. I did something else that was completely fucked up. I regretted it the moment I did it. I loved him but I didn't love him too much If I cheated on him multiple times.

When it all started to feel real and secure.

May of 2019 was a great month. I started feeling loved, I started feeling better than everything. It's the same guy by the way. Yes, I did cheat on him multiple times, but I didn't do it for revenge. I did it because I wanted to. He started cheating because I started. I understand I sound like a hypocrite but when I cheat I don't cheat for shit romantic. He does or at least acts as he does. Anyways as I was saying May-August 2019 was the best months of my life. I felt free of lost happiness. sadness, grief. We had each other's back through everything. After everything, we didn't give up on each other. We didn't just forget about each other. We felt as if we went through too much to just throw it all away. I didn't wanna start over. I just stayed with him. I was labeled but I didn't care. The only thing that mattered was my happiness. I was straight In love with dude man.

Ugh

We broke up for good after August. He changed me but he taught me a lot . I learned that no matter how In love you are with someone you can't always depend on your partner to have that same energy. No matter how " in love' you are don't let someone over welcome there stay as in don't let them stay beyond the point the need to. I realized I can't rush into something. I have to get to know the person first and sit down and talk to them. As of right now, I have no interest in anyone. I don't have free feelings. I gave up on Love after him. He didn't break me. When we broke up it wasn't because of anything bad. It just wasn't the time for us. No time was. All that matters is If he's happy. I'll always love him.