I didn't plan this. I didn't count this as one of the possibilities. Not us. We were..us. But here is the thing about us, when we came together we were so scared. We longed so badly for a community, a group, anything to make this strange new place feel like home and like teenagers do, we let feelings rule everything that happened from that point out.
Do you remember when we piled in that shitty Kia and somehow, by only the grace of God, we made it almost all the way across two states? And we didn't sleep when we got home, we got dressed and went to class. Do you remember all the nights with the lights low, lovers curled together, friends laughing. We all thought we had done it. We had taken this strange place and turned it into our homes, somewhere we could be for the rest of our lives, it seemed. It seemed like as long as we had each other, we were okay.
I remember sitting in the sand, watching as the sun sank behind the waves. I had always been afraid of the ocean, but as we sat there, I wasn't afraid of a jellyfish stinging me, or even the ocean whisking me away. Because there I was untouchable. That moment was made specifically for us. Later that night, I felt myself floating above the room and without consciously realizing what I was saying, I muttered: "God let me stay this way forever". You turned to me, all of you, and you just smiled and said: "I can drink to that".
We built hopes and dreams together and maybe you guys knew they were never going to happen, but I was banking on them. The side of my change jar has an "LV" and a Christmas tree carved into the side. I have pages and pages in my journal where I poured my heart out about the things I wanted for us and the things we were going to do, together.
Then it happened. August 1st of 2018. People made mistakes and I was 100 miles away. I wasn't there to stop the fight as it was happening, I wasn't there to tell you it was something we could fix and that decisions could be made tomorrow. I couldn't tell any of you how sorry I was. Instead, I got a phone call 12 hours later and given the scattered versions of what had happened. I will never be able to tell all of you how sorry I am. How guilty I feel. How confused I am. How bad it hurts that I don't know who I am anymore or if I really love West or not because you, the five of us, that is what made me fall so hard in love with this whole experience.
I know, deep down, I know I couldn't have stopped it. I know that you are in love. I know that you are hurt. I know that you are angry. I know that you feel cheated. What I don't know is how I am supposed to feel, or if I even have the right to have feelings in this situation? It's been almost four months and I still sit in my car sometimes, just thinking about everything and how it was supposed to be this year.
A year ago, I wrote about how amazing it was to have a group of friends to call mine. Now, I'm writing about how I would do anything to get them back. I'm so sorry for all the anger and the frustrations and the behind the back and the nonsense. Knock on my door, call me, text me, any day, anything, anytime and I will be right there for you. Because I meant it when I said never say die.
