To The Friends I Couldn't Keep, I'm Sorry
Start writing a post
Relationships

To The Friends I Couldn't Keep, I'm Sorry

If I could fix it, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't, so here I am.

159
To The Friends I Couldn't Keep, I'm Sorry
Lexie Skelton Personal Photo

I didn't plan this. I didn't count this as one of the possibilities. Not us. We were..us. But here is the thing about us, when we came together we were so scared. We longed so badly for a community, a group, anything to make this strange new place feel like home and like teenagers do, we let feelings rule everything that happened from that point out.

Do you remember when we piled in that shitty Kia and somehow, by only the grace of God, we made it almost all the way across two states? And we didn't sleep when we got home, we got dressed and went to class. Do you remember all the nights with the lights low, lovers curled together, friends laughing. We all thought we had done it. We had taken this strange place and turned it into our homes, somewhere we could be for the rest of our lives, it seemed. It seemed like as long as we had each other, we were okay.

I remember sitting in the sand, watching as the sun sank behind the waves. I had always been afraid of the ocean, but as we sat there, I wasn't afraid of a jellyfish stinging me, or even the ocean whisking me away. Because there I was untouchable. That moment was made specifically for us. Later that night, I felt myself floating above the room and without consciously realizing what I was saying, I muttered: "God let me stay this way forever". You turned to me, all of you, and you just smiled and said: "I can drink to that".

We built hopes and dreams together and maybe you guys knew they were never going to happen, but I was banking on them. The side of my change jar has an "LV" and a Christmas tree carved into the side. I have pages and pages in my journal where I poured my heart out about the things I wanted for us and the things we were going to do, together.

Then it happened. August 1st of 2018. People made mistakes and I was 100 miles away. I wasn't there to stop the fight as it was happening, I wasn't there to tell you it was something we could fix and that decisions could be made tomorrow. I couldn't tell any of you how sorry I was. Instead, I got a phone call 12 hours later and given the scattered versions of what had happened. I will never be able to tell all of you how sorry I am. How guilty I feel. How confused I am. How bad it hurts that I don't know who I am anymore or if I really love West or not because you, the five of us, that is what made me fall so hard in love with this whole experience.

I know, deep down, I know I couldn't have stopped it. I know that you are in love. I know that you are hurt. I know that you are angry. I know that you feel cheated. What I don't know is how I am supposed to feel, or if I even have the right to have feelings in this situation? It's been almost four months and I still sit in my car sometimes, just thinking about everything and how it was supposed to be this year.

A year ago, I wrote about how amazing it was to have a group of friends to call mine. Now, I'm writing about how I would do anything to get them back. I'm so sorry for all the anger and the frustrations and the behind the back and the nonsense. Knock on my door, call me, text me, any day, anything, anytime and I will be right there for you. Because I meant it when I said never say die.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

54156
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

34861
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

957213
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

182560
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments