On May 26th, 2019 at approximately 1:00 pm my whole world stopped. I lost you. I lost my big brother, one of the most important people in my life was now gone.
I have no words for the way I felt that day sitting by your bedside for 10 hours, holding your hand knowing that that was your last day. I was numb, I was lost. I am still lost, still frustrated with the world and why it has to be like this. Even though I knew the day was coming, just didn't think it was gonna be so soon. Knowing didn't make it any easier, it didn't make the pain any less either. That one last hug you gave me and you told me you were sorry. I never wanted you to be sorry, none of this was your fault, you fought so hard to make it this far. All I wanted was you to be pain free, and now you are you are able to do all the things you could dream of. Losing you was by far the hardest thing I have gone through, its so hard to stay strong everyday, for everyone, to smile when all thats on my mind is you and I just wanna scream and cry.
Its been almost two weeks and I am still filled with emotions that I don't know how to handle. I went to work the day after and it was a long one so many people saying sorry and asking why I was working but life goes on doesn't it? I guess some people just have different ways of dealing with things. I asked mom and dad if I would be a bad person if I still went on my trip that next weekend they told me that I should, you knew how excited I was and you would want me to be happy. I went and even though I was having fun you were still on my mind but I knew you were watching over me.
I have a few things to thank you for, thank you for being my big brother for the past 20 years. Thank you for fighting your whole life and making it this far, for always having a smile on your face even when I could tell it wasn't real. My biggest thank you is for giving me my nieces and nephew, now everyday even though you cant be here to see everything I will accomplish they will be and they look just like you bubba.
Before you left we made a promise. I promised you that your babies will never go without. They will be my world, its very hard when your baby boy keeps asking for you but I will always tell them that their daddy was a fighter. Mom says that he reminds her of you when you were a kid. Mom is really missing you.
Not a single day will go by that I don't think of you, I carry a picture of us in my purse. I miss you very much I can still feel the pain in my chest while I am writing this. Please watch over your babies and your little brothers because I need them here. I love you to the moon and back with all my heart your little sister ❤️
