I think a large part of mental health stigmas come from a lack of understanding or experience with mental disorders. So, I want to talk about my own experiences with depression and anxiety, without any filters; just the blunt truth. I am a freshman at Purdue University, studying Brain and Behavioral Sciences. I play the violin and piano. I love music and art. I love cooking and eating. I love exploring cities. I am honest and blunt. I am smart and super funny. And I have depression and anxiety.

I was a senior in high school when I had my first severe depressive episode. I barely slept at night and I barely ate. I lost 15 pounds in less than two months. Quite frankly, I wanted to die. In September, I was committed to a mental hospital. Yes, I was committed to a mental hospital. And no, there were no padded walls and no straight-jackets. I met a lot of people in the hospital who suffered from mental illnesses, just like me.

Someone I met in the hospital told me something that I never forgot. He said, "I am an athlete, and people expect me to be a strong person who isn't hurt or sensitive." At that moment, I realized the toxicity of societal expectations and my own destructive self-expectations. I began to understand the toxicity of my own headspace.

One of the first things I accepted was that I will have some bad days and some good days. And I needed to be patient with myself. Coming from a family that valued hard work, I finally learned how to take time for myself. Compared to a year ago, I am in a healthier place than I was. How did I reach this point? Well, it is a combination of therapy and medication.

I was in therapy for about a year before I was on medication. Obviously, just psychotherapy didn't help me. After I was in the mental hospital, I realized my therapist and I just didn't "click". I started doing therapy with another therapist. Honestly, she changed my life. She made me realize it was okay to not be okay sometimes and to be kind to myself.

She was my life coach and super supportive friend at the same time. One type of therapy we went through is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. This type of therapy is commonly used to treat anxiety, phobias, depression, and addictions. It forced me to address emotional issues that chipped away at my mental well-being. Some days I felt physically drained after therapy.

I don't understand people who deny the existence of depression when there are scientific and biological facts to back the basis of its existence. Depression can be caused by neurochemical and hormonal imbalances, as well as a plethora of other factors. Research has suggested that a decrease in serotonin and norepinephrine contributes to depression. Advances in research on mental illness are the reason why we have so many medications that can successfully treat mental illnesses.

I had so many medical tests done, including blood tests, to eliminate the possibility of factors other than major depressive disorder causing my low moods. For me, I am on a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) as my main antidepressant. I also have a supplemental daily anxiety medication that I take twice a day in addition to my antidepressant, to further treat my anxiety. I also take a benzodiazepine, or a "panic pill", which I use occasionally when I get panic attacks.

Anxiety and depression don't just live in my head. It manifests itself in physical forms. When I get anxious, I can get very fidgety, whether it's bouncing my leg, picking my lips, playing with my hands/objects in my hands, etc. Sometimes my chest tightens, and my throat constricts to the point where I can barely breathe. I feel dizzy and my mind runs away from me. Sometimes, my anxiety intensifies to the point where I have a full-blown panic attack; where I feel like the world is ending and I feel like exploding.

When I am depressed, some days, I can barely drag myself out of my bed, let alone take care of myself. I've had episodes where I would stay in bed for days at a time, only getting out to eat or go to the bathroom. I don't shower and I smell bad and my hair gets greasy. It happens.

If I'm going, to be honest, depression isn't something that just disappears. You can't wake up happy one day and never feel sad again. It's a sad, ugly truth, but depression always lingers. It's a looming thunderstorm that can be far away one day, the closer the next day, and pouring rain on another day. Last week, I had a depressive episode. I only made it to three of my class meetings last week because I couldn't find the will to get out of bed.

I wish it was as simple as "being lazy", but that's not the case at all. I felt like I was sinking into a tar pit that had no end and I couldn't escape from. I had a severe panic attack last Tuesday night. It happens. But what is important is that I tried to get out of it. I tried to the best of my ability to take care of myself and let the storm pass.

I think it's okay that I still have depressive episodes and panic attacks. What is important to me is that they have occurred significantly less than a year and a half ago. What matters to me is that I am learning to cope better with them and to accept who I am. Instead of invalidating and fighting how I feel, I've learned to accept that what I feel is valid and learn how to cope with those feelings.

At what I consider the lowest point of my life, I had monumental highs and rock bottom lows. I learned how to deal with my emotions to even that out, so my lows don't hit rock bottom. As I've grown older, I've learned what are toxic behaviors and tried not to engage in them. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning and trying to be better.

It's scary to admit I have depression and anxiety and even more scary for people to know that I do. I'm scared people will think of me less of a person than who I actually am. I'm scared people will think I'm crazy. It's not fair to reduce someone and let them be defined by their illness, but it happens. It shouldn't.

Mental illnesses are REAL, and I am one of the millions of people around the world who suffer from it. I'm tired of people invalidating mental illnesses and I'm tired of people stigmatizing people with mental illnesses. We need to treat mental illnesses as we treat all other illnesses. It's not just "in your head". Yes, I have clinical depression and anxiety disorder. It is a part of me, and it may always be a part of me. However, I am also a successful young person who grew from my struggles and I will not be defined nor limited by my illness.