Content Warning: suicide and depression.
I've been debating writing this for a while, but I think I am finally strong enough to tell my story.
I am Laura, and I suffer from Depression.
For the last 6 years, my life hasn't been just rainbows and butterflies. It's been seeing grey and stormy nights. I know I'm not alone, but at my worst, I tried to take my life.
I just couldn't live with myself. I felt like all I was doing was taking up a large amount of space in what seemed like a small world. And this wouldn't happen once over the 6 years, it would happen at least 3 other times. It makes you feel so awful. The thoughts come and go like that friend you know is a bad influence, but welcome in every time it's around.
You don't realize how bad it is till you are in the hospital because you failed at something that would have torn everything apart. To have to watch your family just look at you with sadness in their eyes. It tares you apart, it makes you wonder how you could be so selfish? To feel so weak lying there in a room surrounded by four white walls, knowing there is a nurse outside the door getting paid to babysit you, in hopes you don't do more damage to yourself or others while in such a vulnerable state.
Here's how you become selfish, you begin to think the worst of everything. They have other daughters they don't need me. School starts to slip because your at wits end and want to just give up. All you do is want to sleep because you are tired of everything. You push people away because you don't want them to see how much pain you are really in, and with that, you start to feel lonely just slowly pulling you into the darkness.
But there is hope.
With the right support system, you will start to regain your life back and feel like the chains are finally gone and see how good life actually is. You can go on vacations, spend time with friends & family, and just live freely. I'm not saying you're not going to have bad days because we are human and it's bound to happen but the best we can do is learn for what has happened.
From what I know now that are so many more reasons to stay than to cave to the darkness. Your future is so bright and you don't even know it yet. So much to do and see and potential to uncover. And if you need someone I will be that someone, but please don't keep this to yourself.
Just remember suicide is permanent for your temporary pain.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255