A Year After My Suicide Attempt I Can Say That I'm Happy I Failed

A Year After My Suicide Attempt I Can Say That I'm Happy I Failed

I failed in taking my life, and now a year later, it's completely changed.

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Warning: This content talks about suicide.

On February 4th, 2018, I tried to take my life.

Obviously, my attempt failed.

It was the day of the Super Bowl—the only reason I remember is because all of my friends were too drunk to take me to the hospital.

I had just gotten off of work, and a coworker and I had just had a nasty fight. I worked closely with sexual assault survivors—I was chair of the Sexual Assault Awareness Month Planning Committee at the time—and we had been screaming at each other about why it was important to believe survivors. He, like many, believed that it wasn't fair to the wrongly accused, and people should always be suspicious if there's an accusation.

Earlier that day, one of my fellow managers at Pizza Hut was hired back onto the team even though there had been many complaints by employees as young as 16 that he had sexually harassed them.

That and the confrontation with my coworker on the same day sent me over the edge. Chairing that committee was the most important thing I had ever done, and it wasn't going well whatsoever. Moreover, I felt like whatever I did accomplish on the committee, people like these two men would still exist and survivors' voices would continue to not matter.

I felt hopeless like nothing mattered. I didn't matter.

I was so overcome leaving the office that while I was waiting for the light to turn to cross the street, I walked in front of a car.

They stopped just in time, and I remember running to my car, sobbing and embarrassed at my failure. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

Two days later on my birthday, I was diagnosed with depression. Over the next few months, I started taking mood stabilizers and worked with a counselor on campus to get me through the semester.

Looking back a year later, I think for probably the thousandth time about how thankful I am the driver missed me.

I was fired from Pizza Hut (for something that was totally, obviously, not my fault!) that same week, and it ended up being one of the best things that could have happened for me. That job was one of the biggest stresses in my life, forcing me to deal with sexism, homophobia, and racism daily from my coworkers, not to mention screaming customers who don't treat you like a person.

I presented at a conference, learning and teaching my peers about rape culture.

That April, I developed an event where survivors could present poetry they wrote themselves to have their narrative heard. To this day, I've never experienced any feeling like the one I had laying in my bed that night, reflecting on some of the thanks I received and the emotion I saw.

I also found my dog on the side of the road and rescued her. Now she's my emotional support animal, also the apple of my eye.

Around the same time, I started to crochet. I still have a lot of room for improvement, but if I hadn't gotten depressed and went sober, I wouldn't have had so much time on my hands, which gave me the time to learn what is now one of my biggest pleasures in life.

A few months later, the night before my first Pride, I cried in the back of my friends' car reading the Wikipedia page that helps you work through whether or not you're genderfluid. Any queer knows that if you have to Google it, you probably are. I came out to my support group shortly after. Then Pride happened, and it was the most deliciously queer thing I've ever experienced. I felt more validated than ever.

I started binding when I needed to feel more "me." Now I live authentically, respecting and loving my male and female side equally.

That same month, my roommate got a companion for my Stella named Pepper, and she brings so much joy and laughter into our lives. Their sisterhood is adorable, and the four of us have become a little family in our little college apartment.

When school started, I received a scholarship, started two internships (one as a Content Creator with this fine establishment), and earned straight A's for the first time in my life.

Towards the end of that semester, my beautiful girlfriend and I started dating, and it's easily one of the best relationships I've ever been in.

At Thanksgiving, I came out to my parents as gay.

Soon after, I went back to Seattle where I was born and was reminded how much I love the mountains and trees.

I got four tattoos in 2018. All of them are beautiful and special, and make me feel like art.

Now, I'm starting the last semester of my undergraduate degree.

I sit here now, with so many accomplishments under my belt and high points in this past year, and thank whatever gods may be for stopping the car.

As cliche as it may sound, I've developed a newfound appreciation for life and everything it has to offer. I can sink my teeth into every day, and my heart is full with the bounties I get to enjoy because I chose to work for my mental health and work for my place here on this earth.

I deserve that. Everyone deserves that.

It really is true what they say, that if you don't stick around to watch it get better, it never will. I, and this year are living, breathing proof of that.

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This Is How Your Same-Sex Marriage Affects Me As A Catholic Woman

I hear you over there, Bible Bob.
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It won't.

Wait, what?

I promise you did read that right. Not what you were expecting me to say, right? Who another person decides to marry will never in any way affect my own marriage whatsoever. Unless they try to marry the person that I want to, then we might have a few problems.

As a kid, I was raised, baptized, and confirmed into an old school Irish Catholic church in the middle of a small, midwestern town.

Not exactly a place that most people would consider to be very liberal or open-minded. Despite this I was taught to love and accept others as a child, to not cast judgment because the only person fit to judge was God. I learned this from my Grandpa, a man whose love of others was only rivaled by his love of sweets and spoiling his grandkids.

While I learned this at an early age, not everyone else in my hometown — or even within my own church — seemed to get the memo. When same-sex marriage was finally legalized country-wide, I cried tears of joy for some of my closest friends who happen to be members of the LGBTQ community.

I was happy while others I knew were disgusted and even enraged.

"That's not what it says in the bible! Marriage is between a man and a woman!"

"God made Adam and Eve for a reason! Man shall not lie with another man as he would a woman!"

"Homosexuality is a sin! It's bad enough that they're all going to hell, now we're letting them marry?"

Alright, Bible Bob, we get it, you don't agree with same-sex relationships. Honestly, that's not the issue. One of our civil liberties as United States citizens is the freedom of religion. If you believe your religion doesn't support homosexuality that's OK.

What isn't OK is thinking that your religious beliefs should dictate others lives.

What isn't OK is using your religion or your beliefs to take away rights from those who chose to live their life differently than you.

Some members of my church are still convinced that their marriage now means less because people are free to marry whoever they want to. Honestly, I wish I was kidding. Tell me again, Brenda how exactly do Steve and Jason's marriage affect yours and Tom's?

It doesn't. Really, it doesn't affect you at all.

Unless Tom suddenly starts having an affair with Steve their marriage has zero effect on you. You never know Brenda, you and Jason might become best friends by the end of the divorce. (And in that case, Brenda and Tom both need to go to church considering the bible also teaches against adultery and divorce.)

I'll say it one more time for the people in the back: same-sex marriage does not affect you even if you or your religion does not support it. If you don't agree with same-sex marriage then do not marry someone of the same sex. Really, it's a simple concept.

It amazes me that I still actually have to discuss this with some people in 2017. And it amazes me that people use God as a reason to hinder the lives of others.

As a proud young Catholic woman, I wholeheartedly support the LGBTQ community with my entire being.

My God taught me to not hold hate so close to my heart. He told me not to judge and to accept others with open arms. My God taught me to love and I hope yours teaches you the same.

Disclaimer - This article in no way is meant to be an insult to the Bible or religion or the LGBTQ community.

Cover Image Credit: Sushiesque / Flickr

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Staying Quiet Is Never The Answer

Never hold in anything—always talk to someone.

merew14
merew14
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"Talk to someone" may be a phrase used all of the time, but I'm serious when I say, talk to someone.

I cannot stress enough the importance of talking to someone when you are going through anything difficult that is bringing you down. Believe me when I say that this is something I had to learn myself. I'm the queen of not talking about anything to anyone and wearing my, "Everything is okay" mask, but that is one of the most unhealthy things you can do. Holding everything in is so damaging to you emotionally and mentally. When you bottle everything, it will eventually all come out and it will be on someone you are close to who had no idea about anything you tell them.

My reason for not talking was always that my problems would add a burden to someone else and I never wanted to do that; the truth is, those that care about you think more about ways they can help than your problems being a burden for them. I've always been the person to hold everything in until it got to be too much and then I would explode on one of the people closest to me; not only was that damaging to me, but it was damaging to my relationship with that person as well.

Talking to someone is one of the most serious things you can do. People have been placed in your life as people you can vent to and tell everything to. I'm not saying vent to everyone in your life, but find at least one person you can trust and talk to them. The more you talk to people and let them in, the easier it gets to become something you do normally and the easier life gets. Even if you don't want to talk to someone close to you, there are hotlines you can call and talk to people who literally do that as their job. Your problems are not a burden and do not need to be held inside.

Talk to someone; the more you do it, the easier it gets.


If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


merew14
merew14

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