For the past 7 years or so I have always been dating or talking to a man (or maybe even multiple men if in the talking stage).
Part of me has always known that this isn't the wisest way to go about things. Seeking out the affection and attention of a man constantly really is exhausting, and recently I found it to be more of a chore than something that was even making me feel good.
Waking up and feeling obligated to text back, feeling like I need to put as much effort in as these men were, I just couldn't give them what they wanted from me. If it's not blatantly obvious, clearly, I didn't like them as much as they liked me, or maybe I would've been more inclined to participate.
Of course, there have been times where I was dating someone and felt very differently about it. With my last boyfriend, I was so deeply infatuated with him that I depended on his attention like a drug I was disgustingly addicted to and was ruining my life. I don't ever want to lead anyone on or make them think I care more than I do simply because I enjoy the stable attention. My goal will never be to hurt anyone.
Ultimately, I just find so many men (most of the men in my life until recently) unbelievably annoying.
To the point where I just couldn't handle it anymore. My mom always tells me that if someone does something that annoys you that badly early on it will only get worse, and that is frighteningly true. For example, I talked to this guy on and off for a year or so. He would tell me he loved me, so it was a very deep relationship for him, whereas for me I just couldn't get my feelings to that point.
Not only because of the pressure of knowing I didn't feel the same but also because of the little annoying things he did that became bigger and bigger to me as time went on. Silly, silly things. I struggle to be with a guy who lacks maturity, and I think maturity has a lot to do with the way one handles sexuality/sex.
He would post very gross and childish things on his social media about sex, sexual acts, women, etc. Though these were often jokes, it didn't sit right with me. It also confuses me why men often feel the need to like and comment on naked/half-naked unrealistically beautiful and sexy women on social media but won't even like their own girl's pictures. This is an unbalanced dynamic in my opinion.
So, it was this among so many other things that led me to cut it off.
I don't think I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to commit period, much less to men I feel so-so about and ultimately not respected. I've always wanted to take time and be completely alone, and I think now feels like a nice time for it. I do not feel like something is missing from my life because of it, but rather that maybe I am whole for the very first time.
I'm so excited to keep focusing on myself and my mental health, and when the time comes, be the best version of myself for someone who completely and totally deserves me.
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