It starts like any other day in Tallahassee. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the Marching Chiefs are playing in the background. People are running to class with a Starbucks in hand, hoping they're not too late to microeconomics today so they can get their iClicker points. Phones begin to buzz with an FSU alert. "Ugh, probably another test," students think to themselves. Everyone checks their phones to dismiss this new notification. Instead of the typical text from the University about an upcoming fire drill or test of the machine, a cryptic message pops up. 9:30 am- *FSU ALERT* Zombies fast approaching campus; seek shelter and resources wherever you can as soon as possible. Wait, what? People glance at each other, unsure of whether or not they are reading this correctly. Zombies? At Florida State? Suddenly, a student spots it. A little bin on Landis in front of the library containing a pamphlet detailing how to survive a zombie apocalypse should it happen in Tallahassee, and it reads like this.
If you're reading this, it's too late... to get out of Tallahassee before the zombies invade. This isn't an ideal scenario, but we're going to roll with it. I have been working on this guide for years and believe I have perfected the survival guide for this city should it be infiltrated by zombies. Without further ado, How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse at Florida State University.
First, you must squad up. I'm talking about mass numbers. This leads me to my first stop on the way to surviving the zombie apocalypse, Strozier Library. There, you can access countless people, as well as their brains and make a great team filled with intellectuals. Then, you remember that you need some agility.
After retrieving your group from Stroz, you take a few brisk steps to Landis Green. You're in luck! There is a Larp-ing going on right now; for those of you who don't know, LARP stands for live action role playing. If you've spent any time on Landis, you've seen these characters acting out countless interactions and essentially preparing for battle. Great! You now have a large group of very smart people along with those knowledgeable about the art of the fight, should you have to battle the incoming zombies.
Everyone knows that before any stressful event, food is a necessity. You go to fuel up on Gumby's pizza and infamous pokey sticks, because Ranch, marinara sauce and cheese can prepare you for just about anything.
You decide it might be good to have some muscle on your side, so you hop on a Shaboom party bus and head to the notorious Gold's Gym on Pensacola Street. You have an array of fraternity men and a select few women that will definitely boost the overall morale (and muscle) of your group.
The next stop should be Publix, or Club Pub, on Ocala Street. Not only will you run into everyone you know but you can swoop some protein for your newfound bulkers.
What's that? Another *FSU ALERT* pops up. The zombies have made it. Your goal now is to shift from preparation to precaution. Time to find hiding spots. Luckily, I've compiled a perfect list. Here are some places that will guarantee your safety from these hungry zombies.
Your Shaboom bus will take you to the iconic Wescott Fountain. I have it on good authority that zombies cannot swim or climb very well, and thus it will make it as challenging as getting someone on their 21st birthday out of that fountain for the zombies. As you're swimming, the zombies approach.
This is a great idea- let's head to Lake Ella! The evil ducks there will scare those zombies off for sure, as they do a pretty good job of doing that to Lake Ella's typical inhabitants.
Next, the most difficult bar to get into, Bullwinkle's. The bouncer won't let most people in, so keeping out zombies shouldn't be an issue.
You could head to the E-school, or Engineering School, as it is so far away the zombies will grow tired and give up, or be sucked into the giant magnet that is contained in the FSU Engineering MagLab.
Another scenario could take you to University Advising, where you will wait in line for so long trying to be seen that the zombies will become too hungry and weak to wait any longer.
A great option is any on-campus parking garage. Not only will they not be able to find a spot to get you, they will be forced to circle and circle until they run out of juice and slowly die.
When all hope is lost, head to the Unconquered Statue by Doak S. Campbell stadium; it pretty much will speak for itself, but its special powers will protect you from any evil, zombies and otherwise.
Good luck, fellow Seminoles.
Now that you have your guide to FSU, be sure to check out Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse in theatres Oct. 30th. To create your own fail badges, watch exclusive video and get tix head to www.ScoutsAndZombiesMovie.com
