"National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation" is without a doubt my family’s most quoted movie. It has become a tradition to watch it immediately after Thanksgiving dinner to ring in the Christmas season. But no matter the time of year, "Christmas Vacation" quotes slip into conversation at any family gathering. After years of being surrounded by Clark, Cousin Eddie, and Uncle Lewis impersonators, I’m convinced that "Christmas Vacation" quotes can be used in any scenario. So if your holiday season gets a little crazy and you’re at a loss for words, or you just need a post-finals laugh, look no further!
1. "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
This is frequently spouted out at family gatherings when large groups of people are coming or going.
2. "Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now."
Because what's Christmas without some good ole holiday surprises?
3. "Get off me, you fungus!"
This one's perfect for siblings any time of the year.
4. "Merry Christmas, shitter’s full!"
Thankfully, nothing meriting this particular quote has ever happened at a family gathering, but it still gets said plenty.
5. "Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey."
This one works any time you need a favor done, but only if you master the perfect Uncle Lewis impression.
6. "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!"
After years of testing, my family has proved that this one can be said every time you sit down for a meal and will never get old.
7. "Shittin' bricks."
"You shouldn’t use that word. "
"Sorry, shittin' rocks."
8. "Take a look around here, Ellen. We're in the threshold of hell!"
This one’s a little more applicable before Christmas, namely, finals week.
9. "You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour."
I’m not entirely sure how this could apply to real life, but it’s a personal favorite.
10. "Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. "
Perfect for when you're running late to your fun old-fashioned family Christmas gathering!
11. "And we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f****** Kaye."
If you ever feel like your Christmas couldn't get any worse, just fake it 'til you make it. And things could be worse, at least you haven't been kidnapped by a man in a blue leisure suit.
