This past weekend I saw my first horror movie in theaters! That might surprise some of you. I tend to give off the impression that I was born on an Indian burial ground during a full moon, howling and cackling with infantile malice. Truth is, I'm just like you! I was born screaming and covered in blood like every regular person.
Also, I only recently started watching horror movies. I love the creativity and thrill of horror, but good contemporary horror movies are rare. That's why I watched The Witch. It's a good movie, so this was my chance to watch gruesome nightmare fuel while surrounded by terrified strangers in the dark.
After watching it, I came up with some tips for other first-time horror moviegoers. So grab some snacks, use the restroom, and get ready!
1. Remember: it's not real!
Going to movies requires suspension of disbelief, but the best movies effortlessly immerse you. Horror does this especially well, which is why people have nightmares. Remind yourself that this was made by a crew of people just like you!
When the killer disembowels the sexy jock, remember that it's fake. When the child sings “Bad Blood” in Latin, remember that he's an actor. When the person next to you coughs, remember that he's an illusion. Your senses are flawed and your perception is deceitful.
2. Go in with the right attitude!
Nothing ruins horror like getting upset about being scared. If horror frustrates you, think about why you're going. Go if you're curious, go if you don't mind getting scared, and go if you signed the blood pact. I know which of my friends don't appreciate horror, so I don't pressure them to watch it with me.
Are you trying to show off by going? If you're going with friends, they'll know if you're having a bad time. Horror fans can smell fear. Don't aggravate them. Also, don't look them in the eye or make quick movements in the theater.
3. Bring a friend!
Going to the movies is a social experience, so enhance it with a pal. Watching any movie with a friend is fun, but hearing your friend gasp or yelp helps validate your own fear. And horror's a lot like comedy—the audience's responses enhance the experience. It's a lot more fun when you're both startled.
But choose your friend carefully. Bring a strong friend. Other moviegoers will be bringing their mightiest friends, so don't skimp out. Bring a powerful friend who will protect you from aggressive horror fans. The seats will be slick with blood, don't let it be yours!
4. Don't be afraid to scream!
Screaming is good. Screaming is fun! Scream often and scream loudly. Try shrieking in different languages. Grab the person next to you and shout at them. Scream until your voice is coarse and your throat is raw and bleeding. It's horror, so let it out! Half the fun of watching horror with people is hearing each other scream.
5. Look away if you must!
If things get too scary, look around the theater to calm down. Glance at the person next to you. Odds are, they're just as scared! Keep looking. They're actually... smiling. Now they're laughing. You briefly glance at the screen, then look back at the person. They're looking at you now. Their fingers are twitching at their sides. Their breathing is low and loud. Their eyes are wide and wild. Good thing you brought your friend!
6. And after, distract yourself!
Going to bed straight after is an easy way to get nightmares. If (for some reason) you don't like nightmares, do something pleasant afterward. Go get food, play a game, watch a comedy, caress your arms, whisper compliments to strangers, catch many spiders, or drive off into the thick of night until you reach a crossroad, exit your car and wait until another car arrives—when the passenger exits their car, explain that your car stopped working and, when they look away, throw your spiders at them.
Bonus: Bring your mate!
Fear is like love. Both quicken your heart rate, increase blood flow, dilate your pupils, and send you into a cacophony of rapturous emotion that supersedes logic and higher processes. Fall into fear and let it peck deeply at your heartstrings.
