Self-advocating is a task harder for some people than others. I tend to be a people pleaser. I love to make people happy over my own needs. I was always raised to put other people first — to be the bigger person. Being the oldest sibling in my family, I was used to this. I genuinely believed this was the right way until I suffered a mental health crisis. I remember there was a particular situation where it started to all piece together. There was a friendship I had with a roommate who had little respect for me. At one point, my therapist asked me "Why do you give her so much power?" She was so right. I was putting up with situations that were not okay. I was simply doing nothing to make it better for myself. So, I started to speak up. Unfortunately, it reaped a lot of hard situations, but today I can say I am much happier because I advocated for myself.

1. Simply Say No

Seriously, just say no. For me, this is one of the hardest things to do. I love to say yes, yes, and yes — even when I know it will be challenging to complete the task. For me, there is a thrill in taking on more than I can handle. There is an excitement in not knowing how a situation will play out – it is almost like an adrenaline rush. In high school, I was the girl who did everything. I remember one year I took all high accelerated classes (AP and honors), I was a member of National Honors Society, I worked, I was in cross country, jazz band, Key Club — pretty much everything. People would come up to me and constantly tell me how smart I was and how I could do anything I want in the future. I loved everything about it. I exhausted myself daily. Every day after a full day of school I would either be in a sport or musical activity until dinner time. Most nights I stayed up until midnight doing homework. I repeated this heavy curriculum into college and it hurt me. I took on more than I could chew and it finally caught up to me.

I am a music major at West Chester University. This means I am taking courses much different than the curricula I took in public high school — I was honestly not prepared for it. I was not used to accompanying several vocalists at a time, practicing for five hours a day, being in various ensembles at a once — and still having time for homework. It was honestly a shock. I had small crash and burns throughout my first years until one day I couldn't even get by on that — my mental state was completely warped. For the first time, my (at the time) undiagnosed depression hit me really hard. I was doing nothing in my life to make it better. Everything I was pushing myself to do was too much. I took away my foundation. As a result, the big things began to crumble. Others expected so much of me and I expected so much of myself — way too much. I just did not want to let anyone down.

I continued this mindset until it became obvious to everyone I was doing too much. By putting too much pressure on myself and letting others to also put pressure on myself, I failed. I did not meet anyone's expectations. It was one of the most disappointing moments of my life. I learned the hard way it is simply okay to say no or to lower your expectations. It is better to be happy and successful versus stressed and doing everything. Life is already really stressful. Don't add fuel to the fire.

2. Stand Firm In What You Believe In, But Be Kind

I love out spoken people. I love stubborn people. As Amy Poehler once put it, "To me, bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means somebody's passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn't mind leading." If you are passionate about something, don't be afraid to express it. If something deserves justice, speak up for the cause. People underestimate the power of their voices. Challenging a situation or opinion can make a huge difference. It is also vital to be intelligent and recognize when it is appropriate to say certain statements. In order to challenge a situation, it is important to understand and respect other people's beliefs. I always like to word it as inspiring by example. If you feel a certain way about something — make a change. To make a change you do not necessarily have to say it, actions can sometimes have a bigger impact.

3. Set Boundaries

This is so important! Boundaries can be as little as declining a hug to as big as ending a relationship. Remember it is okay to put yourself first. In other words, it is important to take care of your mental health. As advertised on planes, you have to put on the air mask and life jacket before assisting others. This is true in relationships too — you cannot help others if you cannot first help yourself. Boundaries can take a literal sense too. The neighbor's dog continues to wander in the backyard. As a result, you set up a fence. Your roommate tends to trash her side of the room. You both decide to split the room half and half — you only touch your side of the room and she only touches her side of the room.

You cannot be happy without first being healthy. If something or someone continually prevents you from reaching your goals, make a change. Be willing to compromise and come up with a creative solution. Also be willing to realize sometimes relationships are not meant to last forever, and some books really don't have sequels. Be smart in setting boundaries and remember it is first about creating a healthy environment.

4. Speak Up, But Also Remember Everything Is Dependent On Perspective

Your feelings are valid. No one can tell you otherwise. Feelings are feelings. We cannot prevent the way something makes us feel, but we can learn healthy ways to manage the feelings. Hear someone out — even if you believe they are totally in the wrong. When trying to solve a dilemma, the person involved becomes irrelevant. Instead, concepts need to be about resolving the hard feelings. Be honest. If the party involved truly cares, they will at least listen to you. If they care and can handle it, they will compromise so both of your needs can be met. I was having dinner with my dad today at a local diner, and a waitress said to him, "I think people today take things too personally." This is so true. Don't take criticism so personally. Be mindful and aware of the way it makes you feel, but don't let it negatively dictate the way a tricky situation can be handled. Remember bringing up conflict gives an opportunity to resolve it. It is not always about you.

5. Make An Educated Decision And Don't Regret It

Life throws all kinds of situations at us both good and bad. Sometimes we have to make really hard decisions. These decisions are not always easy to draw conclusions from, and we just have to do our best. Go with confidence in what you believe is the right thing to do. Be brave. Be confident. Bottom line: Don't let others make you feel bad or guilty about a decision you believe is best for right now. Only you can determine this. Remember the best and most important relationship to have... is with yourself! Don't doubt yourself.

6. Happy Decisions Make A Happy Life

You heard me — happy decisions make a happy life! As one of my best friends always says, "You do you, boo." If waking up at 5:30am to see the sunrise makes you happy — do it. If taking singing lessons was always your dream — sign up for some. If spending the night in with your dog is your idea of a perfect Friday night — go for it. It is so important to make time for activities we enjoy. This is part of self advocating. The small things can make a huge difference. By making time for leisures we enjoy, we create things to look forward to and ways to restore our mental health. We also open new doors into hobbies and opportunities which could not have been possible unless we tried or gave time to them.

7. Speaking Up For Yourself Also Means Having Time To Take Care Of Yourself

Yup — self care. One of my favorite topics. It is so important to take care of yourself. Wash your face before you go to bed. Brush your teeth after dinner. Get a decent amount of sleep. Take time doing something you enjoy. Having priorities in order. Taking time to meditate or clear the mind. Without self care, it becomes very hard to self advocate. I went through a phase where I stopped self caring — I stopped eating, sleeping — pretty much everything. Over time, I become more and more depressed until I didn't even care about my future or well being. I know this is a serious example, but not taking care of yourself can lead to traumatic outcomes. Don't disregard basic needs to maintain good health.

Self advocating is easier said than done. For some people it is a natural tendency but for many it is hard to achieve. It can take a long time to learn to be good to yourself. That's okay. What is important is to be mindful of the steps you need to take and to process them slowly over time. Although the first step is hard, I promise speaking up for yourself makes a huge difference. You will be happier because you are making smart choices to live a happy healthy life. If you are good at speaking up for yourself, share your abilities with others. Be a leader and role model. In a constantly changing world, a voice is one of the most important rights you have. Use it!