When someone's parent dies it leaves us all feeling saddened by the loss, but also stuck with the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to say or do. Having been on both sides of this issue with losing my dad and having friends who have lost their parents I know what both pieces of this grief feels like. I know what its like to feel a loss for words because you just don't know what to say, and yet be on the other side and being frustrated by the things I heard from people.
So here's my insight on the issue:
What not to say or do:
1. Don't ever say that you understand what they are going through.
There is no possible way that you could understand what its like to lose a parent, especially if you've never experienced grief before. And even if you have yourself lost a parent, you still can't completely understand what this person is going through because your relationship with your parent was a completely different relationship than the other person's relationship they had with their parent. So please don't ever say that you understand because you don't. You can understand to an extent but this is just so hard to hear when the grief is still fresh.
2. Stay clear of the cheesy things that people say at funerals.
If we hear one more person say "Heaven gained a beautiful angel" We will lose it. Seriously. Nothing hurts more than hearing these things because yes while it may be true that they are in heaven and in "a better place" and not feeling "any pain" it makes us sick to our stomachs because it makes us feel guilty for hurting or for missing them. Just please stay clear of saying these cheesy phrases at funerals.
3. Do not say that we are better off.
DO NOT SAY THIS. I have actually heard this been said about a person who passed before and my gosh does it make my blood boil. Even if the person was horrible to you and nasty, don't ever say this. This was someone's son, someone's dad, someones brother, someones husband. Even if you aren't grieving, or hurting because of the death, someone is. Someone is deeply affected by this and is grieving. So my gosh please don't ever say this.
4. Don't write some sappy post on Facebook if you didn't know them.
This is so frustrating when you were the person who's parent died. Seeing all these sappy posts on facebook about how hurt people are by the news when they didn't even know them. If you knew the person personally or are trying to show the child you are there for them then yes, by all means, feel free. But if you didn't know the person or those affected at all then PLEASE don't write some sob story on facebook just to get attention. PLEASE be mindful of those who are actually grieving and give them some respect.
What to say or do:
1. Tell them you care.
Seriously, when you have that awkward moment of not knowing what to say, sometimes the best thing to say is just that you care and that you are there for them. Let them know that you hurt for them and just that you love them.
2. Pray for them.
Tell them that you are praying for them and their family, this brings so much comfort and really means a lot to people in this situation. Pray for healing and for rest.
3. Hug them.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just hug them and say how deeply sorry you are.
4. Be there for them.
Invite them over to your house and just laugh with them, sometimes the worst thing is when they feel alone so this could really help. Just tell them you are there if they ever need anything. Send them a text like a week later and check in on how they are doing, Listen to them. Hear their hurts and pray for them.
I think sometimes we get so caught up in this idea of not knowing what to say or do in the situation that we end up saying or doing the wrong thing. The bottom line is we need to learn how to love people who are grieving and really love them well. We need to learn how to be there for them and just help them through this hard time.
