How many of you have experienced this before? You tell yourself, I know I’ve consciously decided to forgive and forget this person, but for some reason, they always make their way to the front of my mind.
Sometimes it takes YEARS to truly find the lessons and good in terrible experiences. Our brains pick away at the situation, analyzing scenarios over and over again in our heads. When it comes to emotional pain, why do we constantly see how much torture we can put ourselves through? We bathe ourselves in guilt, anger, and resentment. We hold onto our toxic feelings and the many reasons that our enemies are wrong. We love reliving those terrible situations over and over again, replaying them in our minds at the most random hours of the day. However, with physical pain, we immediately figure out a way to fix it. We take aspirin for our cold, we put bandaids over our cuts, and we get prescribed medication for our cold. We don't like it, but we want it gone immediately. We want relief.
We tell ourselves that if we have to suffer, we want that other person to see how much they have wronged us. We cant forgive them and move on, because they don’t understand the pain they put us through.The longer you stay attached to being vindicated, the longer they stay in your consciousness, stinking up your life.
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” Lily Tomlin
The longer you stay attached to being vindicated, the longer they stay in your consciousness, stinking up your life.
Leaving in your past is like pulling a bullet out of our arm. You may kick and scream and cry, but In the long run, you know this is the only way to actually start healing the wound and forgiving people. You cant walk around with a bullet in your arm and expect to recover. So… this comes to the hard part, how do we actually let it all go?
1. Picture the person you want to let go of when they were just a little kid.
Think of this little kid acting out of fear. They are attempting to deal with suffering in the only way that they know how- People act poorly because they are in pain, they are confused, or both. When you picture that ex boyfriend and all the awful things they said to you, imagine them as a happy-go-lucky little kid, before the world turned them cold. It happens to all of us, and some more than others. So feel sympathy for that person. Realize that they are lacking love and happiness that they maybe once had, or never truly experienced at all. Youre both little kids, are you both deserve compassion and understanding- so do yourself a favor and let it all disintegrate.
2. Erase the other person from the equation.
Imagine you have 2 employees that don’t show up for work the same day of a huge presentation.
The first one doesn’t come in because they are hungover, and the second employee doesn’t come in because they just found out their mother has died. Same result, you are left without employees, but two totally different ways to react. What does this mean?
It means you have a choice. ERASE the person from the equation. You don’t know why they did what they did, but you can be angry or have compassion. Don’t take things personally. Ask yourself- how can I grow from this? How can I have compassion for everyone involved?
3. Look at it from all possible angles.
It is important to ALWAYS remember that EVERYONE, including you, is living in their own, self created illusion. As much as we’d like to believe we have the answer, we cant begin to grasp the depth of why people act the way they do, including us. Loosen your stranglehold on it being your way or the highway. Remember that there were probably things you could've done to make the situation better. There was possibly a lack of communication of your emotions and feelings on both of your parts. We don't know/understand everything about the other person, and we never will. Staying calm and logical won't cloud your judgment.
4. Decide you’d rather be happy then right.
“We don’t attach to things- we attach to uninvestigated people or things we believe to be true in the moment." Ask yourself- What do I have to think about, or not think about, to be happy? Does thinking about your ex who does nothing but cause pain for you bring you happiness? No. So wouldn’t not thinking about him take away the reason for added pain? I know it is easier said then done, but if we just let logic take over our brain instead of our strong and mixed emotions, we will find the right answer. We don't want to let go of people because we want to pity ourselves and always remember that we were hurt. The beautiful part is though, that we may be "right" but no one is going to sit there and confirm that for us. So decide that you don't NEED to know if you are right or not, you just need to know that you deserve happiness regardless.
Forgiving people may be the easy part, but letting go is the true test of inner peace. Think of these 4 concepts over and over again in your head, apply them to the person, and watch as you slowly heal yourself to focus on things that will create happiness.
