Everyone knows about the Illuminati, the mysterious group of celebrities and politicians tasked with manipulating the progress of the human race from the shadows. However, nobody seems to know how to join their secret society. Until now. Hi, I’m Steven, and I’m here to help you become a part of the greatest group of evil geniuses the world has never known. By the end of this article, you will be a part of the Illuminati.
Step 1: Be Rich
Money is power, so they say, and this is, for the most part, true. While scouting for evil geniuses, the Illuminati first looks at whoever has enough sway over the general public, and the primary way to figure that out is by looking at your bank account. Once you’re rolling in the dough, the Illuminati will have their weird green pyramid-eye on you.
Step 2: Be Smart
What’s that? You’re completely broke? Well, have no fear! You can skip that step completely! It’s no easy feat becoming rich, but becoming smart is actually fairly easy. All you have to do is spend years on end studying, learning, relearning, debating, lathering, rinsing, and repeating. Once you’ve done that and attained genius status, the Illuminati won’t be able to keep its shadowy, puppeteering hands off of you! After all, you can’t have an evil genius without a genius being in there somewhere!
If all else fails, keeping up appearances of some degree of pseudo-intelligence works wonders. As I said in my “How to Overthrow a Government” article, if you believe you’re infallible, you become infallible to the public. While the Illuminati is searching for intelligent people to drag into their New World Order, they’re also looking for people with influence. If the squabbling masses look to you for direction, no matter your IQ, you have a space secured for you as one of the Illuminati’s newest shadowy puppeteers.
Step 3: Abandon All Morals, Ye Who Enter Here
It’s no secret that being a member of the Illuminati is a down-and-dirty job. Whether it’s sparking the French Revolution, kindling the flames of the Cold War, or bringing into existence the United States 2016 presidential election (which is pretty messed-up), the Illuminati spearheads a lot of miserable things. As a member, you, too, will be forced into a lot of uncomfortable positions. Maybe you’ll be forced to overthrow a government (which you will easily be able to do after reading my previous article, “How to Overthrow a Government in 5 Easy Steps”), or topple a corrupt corporation, or help a corrupt corporation rise to the top of the business chain. And this isn’t for the everyday person, who has these stupid little restraints we call “adequate moral character.”
Here’s what I want you to do with your sense of morality. Stomp it out. Kill it dead. Shove it where the sun don’t shine. You won’t need morals when you have the Illuminati. You will be the puppeteer, pulling the strings of the world, bringing about the New World Order, playing upon the humanity of others. You don’t need morals. You are a harbinger of logic, of Utopia. Morality simply gets in the way of happiness.
Step 5: Adjust Political Stance Accordingly
While the Illuminati was originally founded upon the basis of logic and free thinking, it is difficult to acknowledge one of those things without stomping out the other completely. Thusly, the Illuminati has stopped following the ideal political climate and instead is full of filthy communists. Embrace the teachings of Marx, and work toward a future where the means of production are finally seized. So while you abandon any and every moral fiber in your body, leave room for authoritarian communism. When the New World Order comes to be, the Illuminati will finally step out of the shadows and assume control of the Communist Utopia they have designed.
Step 6: Prepare to be Replaced
Congrats! You’ve joined the Illuminati. And now your eyes have been opened, and you know the truth.
It’s really a front for the Lizard People to take over the world.
They have been working in the shadows, claiming all of the powerful figures in the world, wearing their skin like a suit, driving the world deeper and deeper into chaos.
You’re the perfect candidate for their next victim.
And you are next.
How do I know this, you ask?