Thanksgiving is probably one of the most social holidays of the year. It's the holiday of food, unavoidable political discussions (no matter how off limits they are), and the horrific question, "What have you been up to?"
While I am probably one of the least certified humans on the face of the planet to give advice, it won't stop me from trying to prepare you for next year.
1. Avoid clothing that may inspire "open conversation."
This includes college apparel, concert merch, clothing from a sport or other activity you might participate in, as well as vacation souvenirs. Basically, anything that is not a solid color or simplistic design is a definite "NO."
2. Try to start your own conversations.
By doing this, you are in control. Say the things to your relatives you would otherwise be told!
Examples:
"You are getting so old!"
"Grandma, how tall are you now?"
"How are your grades, Uncle?"
"Seeing anyone lately?"
"What do you want to do with your life?"
3. Stalk their Facebooks and go through old pictures the night before to have on hand.
That way you're not the baby face floating around in a scrapbook at the dinner table.
4. Make a toast that answers all the questions at once.
Example:
"Hi everyone! I'm now 17 years old. I am 5'9", still hopelessly single, and yes, I am getting ready for college and no I would not like to discuss it. School is stressful and to avoid an emotional breakdown I'd prefer if we avoided the topic. I am passing all of my classes. Yes, I do have an opinion on the election, I don't want to talk about it. No, I don't want to hear yours either. If you'd like, you can add me on Facebook to see what I am up to. Enjoy the food!"
5. Pretend you have laryngitis.
You'll need a whiteboard and a dry erase marker.
6. Make sure your phone is fully charged as well as every electronic device you own.
And suddenly remember that really important essay you have to get into Turnitin.com by 11:59pm.
7. Watch football.
Remind them you're a huge fan of a team that is playing (or pretend to be) and tell them it will mess up your awesome Fantasy team if you watch the game while speaking.
8. Tell them you need to walk your dog.
And then either actually walk your dog or borrow someone else's.
9. Accidentally sleep through the entire meal.
Thanksgiving food is always better the day after anyways.
