No one ever asks me how to get into a good college, but you know what, here's my unsolicited advice anyway. You're welcome.

1. Pick Your Schools

Start as early as possible. Even when you’re a gamete, you should be thinking about what your reaches are and what your last resorts are. Don’t worry if you’re still an unfertilized sex cell, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

2. Prep for Your SATs

While you’re in the womb, tell your mom to read an SAT prep book aloud for you. Forget Mozart, it’s all about the Princeton Review. You have got to get a jump on those standardized tests if you want a competitive application.

3. Participate in Extracurriculars
The second your mom gives birth to you, you should be participating in extracurriculars. Not only participating, you should be leading them. Colleges fully expect you to have 10 years of leadership experience by the time you’re 2, so you better get cracking.

4. Found a Successful Company

Everyone knows that in order to get into college in this day and age, you have to have started multiple clubs and foundations in order to stand out, but I’ll do you one better. Become the CEO of a multi-million startup; it’ll be pretty hard to ignore you then.

So there you have it! Just 4 easy steps to get into the college of your dreams. Feel free to go above and beyond these of course, as this is just the bare minimum.

*Disclaimer: This is satire. Honestly, don’t freak yourself out. I know that’s easier said than done, but college is just one step on the path of life.*