It Took Me 20 Years To Realize That Everyone Deserves True Love, Including Myself

It Took Me 20 Years To Realize That Everyone Deserves True Love, Including Myself

Despite your past mistakes, everyone deserves to feel requited love.
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“A love story is not about those who lose their heart but about those who find that sullen inhabitant who, when it is stumbled upon, means the body can fool no one, can fool nothing- not the wisdom of sleep or the habit of social graces. It is a consuming of oneself and the past” – "The English Patient"

My love life can only be described as a one giant PMS cycle: there are a lot of emotions, a lot of depressed thoughts, and a constant pain all over my body (minus the blood). Despite my numerous sexual partners, I have only had the pleasure of dating two individuals.

My first relationship was the poster child for every high school relationship: full of regrets, bad choices, rushed feelings, and failed commitment. We were basically kids playing house, trying to make grown decisions and life choices when we weren’t old enough to drive without parental supervision. As do most relationships, it ended with hard feelings and resentment coupled with a lack of closure.

My second relationship spun the tale of star-crossed lesbians, starring a girl who I thought I could fix and myself, the girl who thought she was special. Our toxic love story couldn’t change the fact that addiction was the more passionate lover, and that I couldn’t give what she truly wanted: relief.

I carried these relationships like weights stapled into my stomach, hiding them under layers of clothing, dry heaving at the thought of them sloshing around, repressing that they were put there in the first place. I have always been a fuck boi, preferring the company of a different suitor as opposed to a familiar face. I started using this mentality to build a barrier between myself and other people. Feelings were like herpes, you don’t realize you have them until they suddenly pop up, and you try to forget that they are there, lying dormant under the skin.

My past made me jaded. It made me resent affection that deviated from an unfamiliar sexual encounter with strangers. The touch of another, that was not an aggressive grab, made me uncomfortable.

My past made me feel ashamed. Why should I deserve a loving relationship, when all I have done is fuck people over? Fuckbois aren’t meant to find relationships. Sluts aren’t meant to be more than a receptacle for a man. Assholes don’t deserve true love.

However, none of this is true.

NO matter what you have been told in life, everyone deserves true love.

A love that consumes you, that eats away at your past and flourishes your future. A love that is flawed, yet beautiful and pure.

A love that makes you want to read sappy poetry and sneak surprise love letters and sit on your back porch, look up at the stars in your pajamas and smile like an idiot.

A love that makes us feel like giddy school girls playing footsie under the table at lunch.

A unrequited love.

It took me 20 years to realize that my body count, my drug use, my Tuesday nights spent drinking, my toxic relationships, and my cynical thoughts have no bearing on the love I deserve. We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to find love, myself included.

Now go out. Find yourself, and find your consuming.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Why Girls Love The Dad Bod

If your man can rock the dad bod, he's a keeper.

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In case you haven't noticed lately, girls are all about that dad bod.

Girls have been dealing with body image issues since the beginning of time until recent (for those of you who consider yourselves to be "Thick thin") I hadn't heard about this body type until my roommate mentioned it. She used to be crazy over guys she claimed had the dad bod.

After observing the guys she found attractive, I came to understand this body type well and was able to identify it. The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. The dad bod says, "I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time." It's not an overweight guy, but it isn't one with washboard abs, either.

The dad bod is a new trend and fraternity boys everywhere seem to be rejoicing. Turns out skipping the gym for a few brews last Thursday after class turned out to be in their favor. While we all love a sculpted guy, there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural, and attractive. Here are a few reasons that girls are crazy about the dad bod.

It doesn't intimidate us.
Few things are worse than taking a picture in a bathing suit, one being taking a picture in a bathing suit with a guy who is crazy fit. We don't want a guy that makes us feel insecure about our body. We are insecure enough as it is. We don't need a perfectly sculpted guy standing next to us to make us feel worse.

SEE ALSO: Slim Thick Is The New Thin

We like being the pretty one.
We love people saying "they look cute together." But we still like being the center of attention. We want to look skinny and the bigger the guy, the smaller we feel and the better we look next to you in a picture.

Better cuddling.
No one wants to cuddle with a rock. Or Edward Cullen. The end.

Good eats.
The dad bod says he doesn't meal prep every Sunday night so if you want to go to Taco Tuesday or $4 pitcher Wednesday, he'd be totally down. He's not scared of a cheat meal because he eats just about anything and everything.

You know what you're getting.
Girls tend to picture their future together with their guys early on. Therefore, if he already has the dad bod going on, we can get used to it before we date him, marry him, have three kids. We know what we are getting into when he's got the same exact body type at the age of 22 that he's going to have at 45.


So there you go. A simple break down of why girls everywhere are going nuts over this body type on males. We like it. We love it. We want some more of it. So here's to you dad bods, keep it up. Men, confidently strut that gut on the beach because while you stare at us in our bikinis we will be staring just as hard.

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My Boyfriend Made Me Feel Loved When I Found It Hard To Love Myself

I realized someone can still love me despite my mental illness.

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I was diagnosed with my first mental illness when I was 20. I saw my doctor, started taking meds, and briefly did some therapy before returning to college for my junior year. I met my now-boyfriend the first weekend back, and we instantly clicked. things were so easy. They just felt right.

The only problem was that I was terrified to tell him that I was struggling; that I was setting up appointments at the counseling center and with a psychiatrist. My friends at the time tried to talk me into keeping my anxiety a secret, that it would be too much baggage and that he'd want to leave when he found out I wasn't "perfect."

I decided to tell him anyway. He was so completely understanding it took my breath away. He walked me to my first counseling appointment, holding my hand and introducing himself to my therapist. I couldn't believe that I had this amazing guy who not only wanted to be with me, but also was so supportive of my struggles. I felt really lucky.

Things were not always easy, especially in the beginning when I really didn't have the words to speak about how I was feeling. There were many nights where I just cried, and he sat with me, so patient, even though he didn't really understand what I was going through. There have been times that we've gotten frustrated with each other because he can't help me if he "doesn't know what's going on." And yet, he never once left or made me feel more alone.

I think our communication has improved tenfold since I've been in therapy and treatment. We've both come to realize that he doesn't have to totally understand what's going on to be supportive, and I've come to recognize that he's my person, and telling him what I feel and what I need isn't a burden.

Through my most recent relapse this past winter, I really saw just how challenging and straining mental illness can be on a relationship. I was so scared to tell anyone besides my treatment team that I was struggling, so I kept things a secret from my boyfriend. He obviously was more intuitive than that, though, and knew I was having a hard time again with food. He'd call or text me throughout the day, asking if I'd had breakfast, what I had for lunch, how my day was going. This kind of gentle support made the biggest difference, where I felt like I wasn't alone, and I knew I had someone to keep me accountable to my recovery.

There are still the hard days. I think the most challenging part of dating with a mental illness is realizing that someone else can love you deeply, even if you're having a tough time loving yourself. This extends through my eating disorder, which constantly tells me I'm not good enough for anyone and that my body is not attractive to anyone, especially my partner.

Nick has been the best partner in crime through my recovery, assuring me that my eating disorder is lying to me and that he can love me enough for both of us, while I'm working on getting there myself. I know that my mental illnesses aren't the easiest to deal with, but I think we've become a stronger team because of everything we've conquered--together.

Three years later, I'm happily in love with this wonderful human, and in the best place mentally that I've ever been in. I don't think that's a coincidence, and for all of the support always, I am beyond thankful.

Cover Image Credit:

Photo credit: Charlotte Kurz

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