It Took Me 20 Years To Realize That Everyone Deserves True Love, Including Myself

It Took Me 20 Years To Realize That Everyone Deserves True Love, Including Myself

Despite your past mistakes, everyone deserves to feel requited love.
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“A love story is not about those who lose their heart but about those who find that sullen inhabitant who, when it is stumbled upon, means the body can fool no one, can fool nothing- not the wisdom of sleep or the habit of social graces. It is a consuming of oneself and the past” – "The English Patient"

My love life can only be described as a one giant PMS cycle: there are a lot of emotions, a lot of depressed thoughts, and a constant pain all over my body (minus the blood). Despite my numerous sexual partners, I have only had the pleasure of dating two individuals.

My first relationship was the poster child for every high school relationship: full of regrets, bad choices, rushed feelings, and failed commitment. We were basically kids playing house, trying to make grown decisions and life choices when we weren’t old enough to drive without parental supervision. As do most relationships, it ended with hard feelings and resentment coupled with a lack of closure.

My second relationship spun the tale of star-crossed lesbians, starring a girl who I thought I could fix and myself, the girl who thought she was special. Our toxic love story couldn’t change the fact that addiction was the more passionate lover, and that I couldn’t give what she truly wanted: relief.

I carried these relationships like weights stapled into my stomach, hiding them under layers of clothing, dry heaving at the thought of them sloshing around, repressing that they were put there in the first place. I have always been a fuck boi, preferring the company of a different suitor as opposed to a familiar face. I started using this mentality to build a barrier between myself and other people. Feelings were like herpes, you don’t realize you have them until they suddenly pop up, and you try to forget that they are there, lying dormant under the skin.

My past made me jaded. It made me resent affection that deviated from an unfamiliar sexual encounter with strangers. The touch of another, that was not an aggressive grab, made me uncomfortable.

My past made me feel ashamed. Why should I deserve a loving relationship, when all I have done is fuck people over? Fuckbois aren’t meant to find relationships. Sluts aren’t meant to be more than a receptacle for a man. Assholes don’t deserve true love.

However, none of this is true.

NO matter what you have been told in life, everyone deserves true love.

A love that consumes you, that eats away at your past and flourishes your future. A love that is flawed, yet beautiful and pure.

A love that makes you want to read sappy poetry and sneak surprise love letters and sit on your back porch, look up at the stars in your pajamas and smile like an idiot.

A love that makes us feel like giddy school girls playing footsie under the table at lunch.

A unrequited love.

It took me 20 years to realize that my body count, my drug use, my Tuesday nights spent drinking, my toxic relationships, and my cynical thoughts have no bearing on the love I deserve. We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to find love, myself included.

Now go out. Find yourself, and find your consuming.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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An Open Letter To My Boyfriend's Mom

A simple thank you is not enough.
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Your son and I have been dating a while now and I just wanted to thank you for everything.

Wow, where do I start? Ever since the day your son brought me into your home you have shown me nothing but kindness. I have not one negative thought about you and I am truly thankful for that. I first and foremost want to thank you for welcoming me with open arms. There are horror stories of mothers resenting their son's girlfriends and I am blessed there is no resentment or harsh feelings.

Thank you for treating me like one of your children, with so much love but knowing exactly when to tease me.

Thank you for sticking up for me when your son teases me, even though I know it’s all in good fun it's always comforting knowing you have someone by your side.

Thank you for raising a man who respects women and knows how to take responsibility of mistakes and not a boy who is immature and doesn’t take responsibility.

Thank you for always including me in family affairs, I may not be blood family but you do everything you can to make sure I feel like I am.

Thank you for letting me make memories with your family.

There is nothing I value more in this world then memories with friends and family and I am thankful you want and are willing to include me in yours. I have so much to thank you for my thoughts keep running together.

The most important thing I have to thank you for is for trusting me with your son. I know how precious and valuable he is and I won't break his heart. I will do everything I can to make him happy. This means more than you could ever imagine and I promise I will never break your trust.

The second most important thing I must thank you for is for accepting me for who I am. Never have you ever wished I looked like another girl or acted like another girl. You simply love and care for me and that’s all I could ever ask. Every person in this world is a unique different person and understanding that means a lot.

The third most important thing I must thank you is teaching me how to one day in the future treat a potential girlfriend that I may interact with as a mother. I am not a mother, but I one day plan to be. If I ever have a son it is because of how you treated me that I am able to be a humble loving mother to this new face that could one day walk into my door. How you have treated me has taught me how I should one day be in the future and I thank you for that.

This may seem all over the place but that’s how my brain gets when I try and thank you for everything you have done for me. It’s all so much and even the little things are so important so I promise my scattered thoughts are all with good intentions and not meant to bombard you. I just want to get the idea across to you that you are important and special to me and everything you do does not go unnoticed.

Sincerely,

Your Son’s Girlfriend

Cover Image Credit: Christian Images and Quotes

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When You're With The Right Guy, He'll Take The Time To Learn About Your Mental Illness, Trust Me

If he wants to make it work and really loves you, he'll learn all of your ins and outs.

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. The journey we've been on to get to where we are now has been one of the scariest and most fun roller coasters I've ever been on.

My mental health has come in the way of a lot of relationships, both romantic and platonic. I've never quite been able to find a way to master explaining it to people. And I still haven't. Explaining what can happen in your head, when you can barely explain it to yourself is a very difficult and often heart wrenching task.

When I had started dating my boyfriend, I was scared to tell him about my mental health. While I have gained a lot of confidence and it isn't nearly as severe as it was years ago, I know how it can get when "one of those days" comes. I know how scary I can get when I fall into a panic attack. I know how hard it can be to look at someone you love while they have a tear stained face unable to tell you what's wrong.

In the past I've tried two different things. One being that I wouldn't tell them at all and I would try to go day by day like I didn't have this cloud above my head. Once they'd see what I can get like, they'd leave. They "couldn't handle the amount of work I needed" or they felt burdened by being with me. Some would even say they "love me too much to put themselves through seeing me like that."

The other option I tried was putting it all out on the table. I had tried that once. I had told my most recent ex boyfriend everything. I laid it all out on the line, hoping that it would be different. At first, it was. He was comforting and understanding. Until it got to a point where he was using what I told him against me.

He knew my weak points. He knew what would hit the hardest and he was good at what he was doing.

It wasn't until my current boyfriend that I realized that isn't how love should be.

He could tell from the beginning that there were missing puzzle pieces. There were walls that I had build around me that I wasn't about to let just anyone knock down. At first, I found his pestering quite rude. Until he proved his point. He had come to me one night and said he wanted me to tell him everything. No details left behind.

I kind of sat there with my mouth open. I actually tried to pretend as if I didn't know what he was talking about. Within minutes, I was spilling everything. Every crevice I could have touched base on, I did. While I thought he was going to look shocked, scared, or bored even.

He didn't.

He was looking deep into my eyes the whole time. He never broke eye contact with me. He was focused and didn't say anything, just nodded his head. After I was finished and the tears were falling, he held me in an embrace and the only words he could mutter was, "You are so beautiful and one of the strongest people I know. You will get stronger. I promise."

He's taken the time to learn everything. He's watched psychologist's lectures, he's read articles. He's done everything in his power to learn what I need on my dark times. He honestly has gotten to know me so well, I think he knows me better than I know myself.

Not only has it helped our relationship as a whole, but it's helped me learn about myself in a way that I couldn't quite do on my own. He's offered me a kind of love that I've never had before. One where I don't have to fear rejection or getting left behind.

Ladies, if he's the right guy, he'll do whatever it takes to make sure that you have exactly what you need. Not just physically but mentally as well. My guy knows the days where, I could just really use a good cry and being held for 20 minutes. He also knows when I need reassurance.

A guy that truly loves you will learn these things about you. He won't ignore you, he won't brush it off and say "you'll be fine."

Take my word on it, that's the guy you'll want to marry someday.

I know I do.

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