Being proud is a taught emotion. Everyone always tells you "You should be so proud of yourself," or "Wow, I bet you feel so proud." But honestly, how do you feel proud? I think it is such a hard emotion to understand, to grasp and to feel. I think we all just kind of think "Oh yeah, I am proud of myself," but we never truly feel it.
I know this is so true for me. In my life, I have done so many things and overcame so many hardships that people telling me they were "proud" never really meant much to me. I am not saying I am some Harvard student who has done every AP class or played every sport and done everything right my whole life, but there were a lot of firsts for me and my family.
First of all, I grew up with just my mom. I had to learn what things were like when my dad wasn't around and how to deal with other people's dads because it was such a foreign concept to me. My mom always told me she was proud of how I handled myself.
I did really good in school. I got good grades, only struggled in a couple subjects but I ended up graduating high school a semester early. I was the first one out of my parents to even finish all "four" years of high school.
My parents always told me they were so proud of me. They always said that me graduating was one of the best things because I was a first-time high school graduate in my family. Honestly, I just thought it was something that I was supposed to do, I never really thought it was something to feel proud of.
After high school, I started taking classes at a community college to get a jump on college credits. This was something neither of my parents did either. Figuring out how college applications work and how to send transcripts was something I did on my own. I applied to 6 schools and got into every single one of them. I had my pick and my whole family continued to tell me how proud they were of me. Again, I felt like this was something I was just supposed to do, not something to feel proud of.
I knew for a really long time that my parents were not going to pay for college and that if there was going to be any help, it was going to be small. I was not upset at all, I knew what I was getting in to and I did not expect my parents to pay.
So, I picked my school. The University of Missouri. It is quite an expensive school but I thought I could do it. I lasted about a year and spent over thirty-thousand dollars. Everyone always told me I should be so proud, I was paying for an amazing school all on my own. But, all I felt was stress. I thought Mizzou was where I was supposed to go, and like everything else, it was just going to somehow work out for me. But, I had to transfer.
Again, "we are so proud of you for making this decision and doing what is best for you." Which confused me the most, how can I feel proud when I let not only myself but my entire family down?
I ended up at Illinois State University, an amazing school. Ever since I have been here I have been happier. Everyone always told me this was the right thing for me to do but it was a really hard concept to understand that sometimes you don't always have to do what makes everyone else proud you just have to make yourself proud.
I got to ISU and immediately jumped into figuring out how I was going to graduate in three years when most of my classes would not transfer over from Mizzou the way I need them to. After a conversation with my counselor, we made a plan. A plan that would have me out of here in not three years, but two.
I think at that moment I felt proud. I knew that everything I had ever gone through got me here and got me to this point where I could get an entire year jumpstart on my life and on my career.
I came back from that meeting, knowing what my next two years looked like and thought about what the past 19 years had looked like. I thought about everything I went through, everything I accomplished and all the pride other people had instilled in me, truly paid off.
I think everyone needs to take a step back and really think about everything. You may not be where you want to but you should be proud of yourself. Molehills or mountains, you overcame everything that was in front of you. I know that me saying this is probably just like everyone else saying they are proud of you, I hope that my experience and story can help you realize that you are not alone.
