You know the scene. You’re sitting at a stop light in the piece of crap car you bought five years ago, a used ’99 Toyota Corolla in grandmother white. Trash clutters your passenger side because you never have a passenger to sit there, and the scorching summer heat makes the entire contraption stink like decades-old laundry that was never switched to the dryer. Your windows are rolled down to let the breeze in since the only thing your A/C does is blow hot air, like a Saint Bernard panting hard two inches from your face.

Then you see him.

Actually, you hear him first. The thump of his custom speakers approaches you from behind, and you try to appear casual as you glance over your left shoulder. You can’t really see his car because the music is so loud it makes your eyeballs vibrate. Despite this mild corneal trembling, you can tell he’s got a smug look on his face, the kind of expression worn by a monarch as he pees on the shoes of his enemy.

He speeds off before you have a chance to notice that the light is now green. The mature, postpubescent part of you hates him, but another part of you, deep in the kindergarten playground of your mind, wants to be just like him–and I’m going to tell you how….

First, you have to own the right kind of car. Ideally, this would be a Cadillac. Barring a foreign sports car made of gold, nothing says, “I bend to no master,” like a Cadillac. If, while driving behind a shiny vanilla Cadillac, you’ve never screamed at its driver to go faster than 10 miles per hour or to stop hogging the road, it’s probable that you’ve never seen one. (Have you been living under a rock?) It is the most esteemed of vehicles used for driving like a blockhead. However, I suspect that you, like so many of us, might have champagne tastes on a beer budget. Never fear! There are a few slightly less ostentatious options that will be more compatible with the simplicity of your inner miscreant.

A Ford Mustang is a suitable choice, and in the right color, it can be very effective at making other drivers hate you. Fire engine red will convey the message that you really have no concern for other human beings, whereas a custom flame job will cause people to realize that a more expensive car was in your sights, but you have a really terrible credit score.

Driving a Mustang in wasp yellow will warn others to watch for the sting of your inevitable poor judgment. Be sure to remove your muffler because no one likes the car that sneaks through the neighborhood like it has something to hide. Let your stallion bray loud and proud, you urban cowboy, you!

If you’re more into overcompensation than outright flamboyance, the pickup truck is the perfect vehicle for you. It doesn’t matter if the most you ever cart around is a bed full of dead leaves that accumulated there as it sat in your driveway last autumn. If people see you in a truck, they will assume that you have an impressive physique and a large penis. You can truly express the size of your member by installing a lift kit. It’s just common knowledge–the taller the truck, the longer the schlong. But just because you’re well-endowed does not make you a terrible person. Oh, no!

Make it more obvious than that. One way you can show everyone that you’d like them to bow (or choke) in your wake is to roll coal. You know, the extensive and illegal process of disabling the programming which keeps your diesel engine from spewing soot into the air? Spend whatever dough you have in your piggy bank to turn your truck into the nastiest, filthiest smoke stack this side of the Industrial Revolution. Pollute that blue sky like it’s going out of style! And to offend all the people who have remained unfazed so far, add a Confederate flag to the end of your truck bed.

Now, no matter what kind of car you’re driving, you can always adopt the attitude of an entitled jerk anyway if you follow these easy steps:

Number one: only use your blinker in an emergency. There is no way you can be the king of the road if everyone knows your next move. You can further confuse other drivers by weaving through traffic. Are you going to the supermarket or the club? No one is going to know, and now who has the real power? Checkmate.

Number two: remain less than two feet from the bumper in front of you at any given moment. This includes scenarios in which you are at a stoplight, in a parallel parking spot, when the person in front of you is going only exactly the speed limit, and on the highway during rush hour. Other drivers need a constant reminder that you left your house late and are in more of a hurry than they are, and because no self-respecting jerk ever showed up on time, you must also always be late.

Number three: never switch off your high beams at night. Low beams are a sign of weakness and should be avoided at all costs. Also, though you need to tail as close as possible per rule number one, you mustn’t do this at night or you’ll fail to shine your headlights in the eyes of the driver in front of you. You should still ride their bumper, but more conservatively. The aim here is to blind, not annoy.

And finally, number four: under no circumstances should you ever put down your cell phone while behind the wheel. Your social life and image are of the utmost importance. How else are you going to acquire five hundred close friends to attend your funeral unless you’re in the middle of a texting conversation with all of them at the time of your death? Extra points will be awarded if you take a selfie while going twenty miles over the speed limit.

You should have a minimum of three social media outlets to post to in order to extend the time you spend looking into your lap like you’ve found the Holy Grail. Definitely don’t worry about swerving all over the road. Other drivers love that! So does your mother. Especially your mother. She’s really thrilled with the life choices you’re making.

You have all the skills necessary to drive like an entitled jerk, but to really become one is a true art. So when the cops pull you over to give you a ticket, and all the drivers around you are smirking in your direction, and the passengers in your car puke from fright, just remember that you are more impressive than they are, and you will feel infinitely better. And get a detailing. No one likes the stink of loser vomit.