I was in Switzerland when my life changed over a cup of tea. It wasn’t that Swiss tea was more exceptional than American-made Kroger tea. The boy I was talking to didn’t tell me stories about skydiving or touring with a rock band. But rather, he was skilled in a way that most millennials just aren’t. I entered his apartment and at the moment of eye contact with me, he stopped what he was doing, greeted me excitedly and asked me if I would like a cup of tea. Instinctively, I refused, saying, “No, I’m OK. Thank you.” But he persisted, saying, “Please, I would rather share. I really do enjoy it.” So I agreed.
After the tea was steeped, he handed me a cup. Rather than handing me a cup and continuing with what he was doing or cleaning up the kettle, he grabbed a chair, pulled it directly across from me, crossed his legs, opened his hands and said nothing. I stared blankly, caught off guard. He didn’t speak for a moment, then eventually said, “let's talk.”
The conversation changed my life. It didn’t change my life because of the content or the relationship, but rather because of his ability to make me feel important. I never once questioned his sincerity either. He had mastered the act of making someone feel important with no lavish praise or excessive compliments. But how did he do this?
1. The “Golden Retriever greeting.”
If you’ve ever had a dog, you know what it’s like to walk into your front door and be greeting with unparalleled excitement every single time you come home. Your dog doesn’t finish what he’s doing to greet you; he drops everything to run to your side. You most likely responded with fond words and tried to express to them that you are equally as excited. What if we all greeted each other like Golden Retrievers did? If you want to make someone feel important, greet them like a Golden Retriever would.
2. Show your wrists.
I mentioned how he began the conversation by crossing his legs and opening his hands to me. The psychology behind this is that open wrists are perceived to reflect openness. Your partner will subconsciously perceive you as an open person. This gives the conversation a vulnerability factor making your listener more apt to want to share information. If your hands are faced down, people are more likely to perceive you as authoritative.
3. Lean in.
Leaning towards someone relays attentiveness. If someone is squared off to you, leaning in and making direct eye contact, it is almost impossible for you not to feel as if you have captured their attention. This, in turn, makes you feel more important. While making eye contact, work on making strong eye contact for two to three seconds at a time. Your partner will subconsciously feel compelled to mimic your conversation style.
4. Say their name.
Dale Carnegie once said, “Names are the sweetest and most important sounds in any language.” When greeting someone or expressing appreciation for them, be sure to begin with their name. Hearing our names said fondly is more of a compliment than the compliment itself.
5. Allow them to do you a favor.
When I refused to have tea with my friend, he responded by saying, “Please, I would rather share. I really do enjoy it.” He made me feel as if I was doing him a favor, which in turn made me feel a sort of ownership for the time we spent together. It is a tactic that Benjamin Franklin used to use when he wanted to make a friend. The concept of serving others is incorporated in many religions and philosophies because it makes us feel good. We love to serve others and it inevitably brings us closer to them.
6. Make them reflect.
Ask your partner about themselves or about their day. Then listen actively. Everyone’s favorite thing to talk about is themselves. Carnegie also said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
7. Give praise.
You can only give true, genuine praise if you practice active listening and pay attention to the things that are actually unique to that individual. Surface-level compliments are not sincere and do not foster meaningful conversation. Active listening is an attribute of being a good friend. Pay attention and appreciate what is good about the people around you.
All you need to change someone’s life is a cup of tea. Friendship and meaningful conversation is reliant upon your ability to nurture those around you.
“For it is in giving that we receive.”
