Most of the time, working at a grocery store is an easy gig, and I try to take my customers’ bad attitudes with a grain of salt. But even so, each of the following situations has happened to me before, in varying degrees of severity. Please be aware that as a customer, you have the opportunity to either make someone’s day or to be the one they complain about when they get home.
People who work in customer service don’t have it easy. In their line of work, they have to deal with some of the most irritating people around—but only occasionally do they truly get a taste of humanity’s very worst side. If you’d like to make more of an effort to darken a grocery store employee’s day, you’ve come to the right place! Here are five easy steps that might just land you in the Hated Customer Hall of Fame:
1. Always disregard the lighted number above the register.
Each register is equipped with a number that has three settings: on, off, and blink. It’s your job to dismiss any common sense and feign confusion at the meaning of each setting. When the light is on, approach the cashier patronizingly and ask if the register is “ready.” When the light has been turned off, waltz right up to the conveyor belt and pile on the groceries!
If the light is set to blink, well — time to panic.
2. Use the register as your personal phone booth.
Now is the perfect opportunity to make that phone call you’ve been putting off. The more pointless the conversation, the better—and don’t waste any breath replying to the cashier’s questions. Just wave your hand impatiently as if they’re inconveniencing you.
3. Expect the cashier to have supreme control over sales prices.
If your kid’s half-eaten bag of goldfish rings up to be more expensive than you expected, switch between squinting accusingly at the total on the computer screen and at the cashier’s face. Obviously they have gone out of their way to sabotage your shopping experience, so don’t feel bad about dropping some profanity bombs on them and any managers they page to help sort out the problem.
4. Ignore the bagger’s existence.
Everyone knows that the people bagging your groceries are of sub-human intelligence—and they should be treated as such. Never directly address the bagger, as this might overwhelm their already strained mental capacities. Instead, make sure to address any complaints about the bagger’s performance to the cashier in the most condescending way possible (ex: “This one doesn’t listen very well, does she?”). Avoid eye contact at all costs, especially when the bagger hands you your groceries and wishes you a good day. If you need help loading your car, don’t ask; simply leave the cart at the register and rely on the bagger’s dog-like instincts to kick in to follow you out.
If the bagger asks you a question, it’s best to look at them as though they aren’t worthy to lick your shoes. Answer at your discretion.
5. Don’t bother helping with anything.
And that means anything. As we’ve previously discussed, the bagger is simply a minion paid to do menial labor—that includes loading up your ostentatious black SUV with the huge amount of groceries you’ve just purchased. Be sure to take full advantage of this on hot summer days, so that you can observe the spectacle from inside the comfort of your air-conditioned cockpit. If all goes according to plan, the bagger should struggle considerably to lift heavy items from the bottom of the cart to the trunk. Ten bonus points for every bruise they sustain from bumping into your trailer hitch!
Repress the primitive urge to offer assistance. With car payments like that, who can afford a heart?
