Hey, Broseidon. For some reason, you’re not in the gym, or you’re at the gym in between sets reading this article, but it can slide this time. Chances are you’re reading this if you’re new to the gym life, dating a gym bro or you yourself are just a gym bro. This guide to riding the gain train is mainly geared toward those who want to join the elite alphas you always see at the gym, being boss. The reality is, this is the guy that you always wanted to be, but you didn’t know how to get on his level. Well, Brobraham Lincoln, I have some tips for you.
You live, die, pray and work out solely for the gains. This is your new Jesus Christ, with your church being the gym. You are a disciple of the gains, and are always reaping the benefits of your obedience to getting swole. Everything you do is for the gains: the gym clothes, the constant eating and the mirror selfies all factor into getting shredded.
This will be the only type of shirt that you own. Winter or summer, rain or shine, cutoffs instantly show that you're shredded. Even on leg day, you better be sure that you have a bomb cutoff. Every gym bro needs the cutoff in order to get the most of his workout, as he thrives by showing others that he's more ripped than a grizzly bear on steroids.
3. Leg day.
Working your legs is like getting catfished on a Tinder match when you meet up with them. it really sucks and you want to leave immediately, but you have to stay and just get through it. Doing legs is easily the gym bro’s Kryptonite, making him weak and vulnerable for days at a time. By skipping leg day, you will be much better off and have time to work the muscles that really matter, like your biceps.
Sometimes when you don’t want to go to the gym, you need a little help. To my new bros who are now swimming in the Brocean of Gains, I have a solution. Pre-workout, aka the best thing since Barack Brobama, is there to help you get the energy you need. It gives you the ability to lift heavy and make your skin tingle like there were ants having a fiesta on your body.
5. The pump.
After hitting some heavy curls, you realize that your biceps are the size of your Aunt Jody on Thanksgiving. This is the pump communicating to you. The pump is one of the sacred commandments of the gym, with gym bros lifting crazy weights in order to attain it. When you have a pump going on in the gym, you are the Hulk and no one is going to want to mess with you.
6. Your gym nemesis.
This is the guy that's constantly checking out your girl at the gym, always asking to work in with you on some cable flies and trying to give you advice on how to "properly do upright rows." Bro, they’re called upright rows for a reason. You can’t do them wrong. You can conquer this enemy of gains by simply adding 10 pounds to whatever he's lifting and out-lift him. The trick to this is making sure he sees you doing this all the time, so eventually, he gets the hint that no one is going to stop the gain train from blowing through town.
7. Gym selfies.
If you aren’t letting everyone know everyday how ripped you are, you don’t deserve to be a bro. How do you think all 273 of your Instagram followers are going to know how muscular you have become? The gym selfie is a precursor to videos of you doing various types of squats, letting everyone know that you're taking the fitness world by storm.
8. Your gym bro.
This is the guy you hit the gym with every day because you share similar values: gains, gains and even more gains. This is the guy that's going to spot you when you lift heavy, crush PRs with and talk about opening a gym together with. He's going to be your best man at your wedding and without him, you feel more lost than that one time you wandered away from your friends in Punta Cana over spring break 2013.
9. Everyone else is on steroids.
While you’re trying to stay all natural and get your gains the right way, you suddenly see a wild pack of gorillas walk into the gym, all bigger than Optimus Prime. This is when you realize that everyone who is bigger than you is on steroids. There is no possible way that they can be bigger than you, other than the fact that they’ve been juicing more than your sister on her new "juice cleanse."
10. Rest days.
This will be the day you lose your mind. After cranking out 250 pounds of pure awesomeness on bench press one day, rowing more weight than the Vikings did for back another day and squatting a car the next, chances are your body is going to need to recover. Your brain will tell you yes, but your body will say no quicker than your mom did when you were six and wanted to have your best friend Mikey sleep over. Unfortunately, this is a must.
11. The gym is your therapist.
When you work out, all your problems at the office and school suddenly fade away. Why talk to Dr. Stevens when you can blast your shoulders to outer space with 100 pounds of Dr. Dumbell? The gym allows you to get away from everything wrong in your life and focus on getting swole, so that way, the world can’t bring you down.
12. Gym is life.
Every gym bro must accept that the gains are his savior and without them, he is powerless. The gym is your number one priority, and without it, you are nothing. It's a place that allows you to compete with that guy in the mirror and make something of yourself. People will ask you to hang out, go to that chick Jessica’s kegger and and get turnt, but the gains are too important to lose over some party that's just going to involve your best friend getting in a fight with his ex. Bro, it isn’t worth it. At the end of the day, the weights aren’t ever going to leave your side and will always be there for you.