How To Be A Gym Bro

How To Be A Gym Bro

All aboard the gain train!
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Hey, Broseidon. For some reason, you’re not in the gym, or you’re at the gym in between sets reading this article, but it can slide this time. Chances are you’re reading this if you’re new to the gym life, dating a gym bro or you yourself are just a gym bro. This guide to riding the gain train is mainly geared toward those who want to join the elite alphas you always see at the gym, being boss. The reality is, this is the guy that you always wanted to be, but you didn’t know how to get on his level. Well, Brobraham Lincoln, I have some tips for you.

1. Gains.

You live, die, pray and work out solely for the gains. This is your new Jesus Christ, with your church being the gym. You are a disciple of the gains, and are always reaping the benefits of your obedience to getting swole. Everything you do is for the gains: the gym clothes, the constant eating and the mirror selfies all factor into getting shredded.

2. Cutoffs.

This will be the only type of shirt that you own. Winter or summer, rain or shine, cutoffs instantly show that you're shredded. Even on leg day, you better be sure that you have a bomb cutoff. Every gym bro needs the cutoff in order to get the most of his workout, as he thrives by showing others that he's more ripped than a grizzly bear on steroids.

3. Leg day.

Working your legs is like getting catfished on a Tinder match when you meet up with them. it really sucks and you want to leave immediately, but you have to stay and just get through it. Doing legs is easily the gym bro’s Kryptonite, making him weak and vulnerable for days at a time. By skipping leg day, you will be much better off and have time to work the muscles that really matter, like your biceps.

4. Pre-workout.

Sometimes when you don’t want to go to the gym, you need a little help. To my new bros who are now swimming in the Brocean of Gains, I have a solution. Pre-workout, aka the best thing since Barack Brobama, is there to help you get the energy you need. It gives you the ability to lift heavy and make your skin tingle like there were ants having a fiesta on your body.

5. The pump.

After hitting some heavy curls, you realize that your biceps are the size of your Aunt Jody on Thanksgiving. This is the pump communicating to you. The pump is one of the sacred commandments of the gym, with gym bros lifting crazy weights in order to attain it. When you have a pump going on in the gym, you are the Hulk and no one is going to want to mess with you.

6. Your gym nemesis.

This is the guy that's constantly checking out your girl at the gym, always asking to work in with you on some cable flies and trying to give you advice on how to "properly do upright rows." Bro, they’re called upright rows for a reason. You can’t do them wrong. You can conquer this enemy of gains by simply adding 10 pounds to whatever he's lifting and out-lift him. The trick to this is making sure he sees you doing this all the time, so eventually, he gets the hint that no one is going to stop the gain train from blowing through town.

7. Gym selfies.

If you aren’t letting everyone know everyday how ripped you are, you don’t deserve to be a bro. How do you think all 273 of your Instagram followers are going to know how muscular you have become? The gym selfie is a precursor to videos of you doing various types of squats, letting everyone know that you're taking the fitness world by storm.

8. Your gym bro.

This is the guy you hit the gym with every day because you share similar values: gains, gains and even more gains. This is the guy that's going to spot you when you lift heavy, crush PRs with and talk about opening a gym together with. He's going to be your best man at your wedding and without him, you feel more lost than that one time you wandered away from your friends in Punta Cana over spring break 2013.

9. Everyone else is on steroids.

While you’re trying to stay all natural and get your gains the right way, you suddenly see a wild pack of gorillas walk into the gym, all bigger than Optimus Prime. This is when you realize that everyone who is bigger than you is on steroids. There is no possible way that they can be bigger than you, other than the fact that they’ve been juicing more than your sister on her new "juice cleanse."

10. Rest days.

This will be the day you lose your mind. After cranking out 250 pounds of pure awesomeness on bench press one day, rowing more weight than the Vikings did for back another day and squatting a car the next, chances are your body is going to need to recover. Your brain will tell you yes, but your body will say no quicker than your mom did when you were six and wanted to have your best friend Mikey sleep over. Unfortunately, this is a must.

11. The gym is your therapist.

When you work out, all your problems at the office and school suddenly fade away. Why talk to Dr. Stevens when you can blast your shoulders to outer space with 100 pounds of Dr. Dumbell? The gym allows you to get away from everything wrong in your life and focus on getting swole, so that way, the world can’t bring you down.

12. Gym is life.

Every gym bro must accept that the gains are his savior and without them, he is powerless. The gym is your number one priority, and without it, you are nothing. It's a place that allows you to compete with that guy in the mirror and make something of yourself. People will ask you to hang out, go to that chick Jessica’s kegger and and get turnt, but the gains are too important to lose over some party that's just going to involve your best friend getting in a fight with his ex. Bro, it isn’t worth it. At the end of the day, the weights aren’t ever going to leave your side and will always be there for you.

Cover Image Credit: Matt Fusaro

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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What A Blessing It Is To Have Been Loved By A Grandpa Like You

No one could ever replace your contagious giggle and radiating love.

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To my newest angel in heaven...

Grandpa Norb, I just wanted to write to you to let you know how great it is to be loved by a grandpa like you. With 4 children, 4 children in-law, 10 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren, we all know in our different ways your love for us. While you are no longer here, I am certain that you will always be watching over us and in our hearts.

Knowing you for 20 years, I can't imagine feeling more loved. Every holiday gathering started with you wishing a Merry Christmas, no matter the actual holiday. You always welcomed with a hug, and said goodbye with open arms, a kiss on the cheek and a whispered reminder that I am always in your prayers. Even with you no longer with us, I know you'll be watching over and praying for me as I carry on my steps in life.

Like a sunflower, you were always bright and smiling when I saw you. You showed your excitement when I walked in the room and made me feel lucky to be around you and overjoyed to know you just through your smile. You were the patriarch of our wonderful family standing tall and showering us with radiating love and goofiness.

Among us all, you loved Grandma with your whole heart and were married for 68 beautiful years. Watching her say goodbye has been one of the hardest things to see, but completely overpowering, the love you had for each other. As long as I knew you, I don't think I ever saw the two of you apart. The unconditional love that you had and always will feel for each other is one that I envy to have in my own relationships.

As almost two weeks have passed since God brought you to him, this is my goodbye to you. I will never forget the last good day I spent with you and Grandma together. I will think of you when I see yellow sunflowers standing tall and bright, and during thunderstorms as if it is you Grandpa Ray bowling together up in heaven.

I feel incredibly lucky to know you and have been loved by you for 20 of your 94 years, and I will always miss you.

Love,

Blondie.

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