Summertime for college students can be a time of dreadful repetition of the same monotonous schedule composed of almost nothing, but just enough to have those same benchmarks every day. I understand. I, too, experienced that for multiple summers. However, I decided that I had enough of the same old boring routine, and decided to change things. If you are reading this, odds are you are huddled up in front of your computer in your comfy suburban household wondering "How do I become extreme?" Well, my friend, you have come to the right place. I believe that I am the perfect person to talk to about being EXTREME and by following my advice on the following numbered list, you too can become EXTREME.
1. TYPE IN ALL CAPS DURING YOUR ONLINE INTERACTIONS
THIS FIRST ONE SHOULD BE THE EASIEST FOR EVERYONE TO DO. AS A MATTER OF FACT, ALL KEYBOARDS HAVE A BUTTON ESPECIALLY DESIGNED FOR EXTREME PEOPLE SUCH AS MYSELF: CAPS LOCK. I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT MY INTERACTIONS WITH INTERNET STRANGERS HAS IMPROVED GREATLY EVER SINCE I DISCOVERED THIS SECRET TO BECOMING EXTREME. IT IS ESPECIALLY USEFUL IF NEGOTIATING A PURCHASE OF SOME KIND, AS EXTREME PEOPLE THAT TYPE IN ALL CAPS ARE VERY UNPREDICTABLE AND USED CAR SALESMEN HATE THAT. DO YOU HATE BEING SCAMMED BY THOSE NASTY USED CAR SALESMEN? THEN TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND CONFUSE THEM WITH HOW EXTREME AND OVER THE TOP YOU WILL BE!
The most important key on the keyboard
2. Never Walk, Always Run
If you have played pretty much any video game ever, you will know that it is boring to spend time walking to places. Who has time to take in the surroundings when you have things to do and places to be? I would say never stop moving but that is not enough. Sometimes walking places can be absolutely agonizing in how boring and lacking in extremity it is. My solution: run everywhere. If you have played pretty much any video game ever, you will know that walking is for chumps and that all of the pros run, cycle, fly, etc. to wherever they plan to go. Case in point: this one time in Grand Theft Auto, I had to travel from a warehouse to a nearby beach. I could have been a boring tool and walked over there, but instead I decided to steal a forklift and drive there at max speed. Would I recommend committing such a crime in real life to shave a few minutes off your commute? No. Would I recommend doing the closest legal alternative to reach your destination in as quick and flamboyant a fashion as possible? Of course I would.
"Gotta Go Fast"
3. Overreact to Everything
One of the most stereotypical things about extreme people is how they react to everything. Normal people consider them to overreact to things, and that is just horrible of them to think that. I mean, what gives THEM the right to force their blazay perception of reality over our vastly superior lens? Reacting at an elevated capacity is great for the human experience and is one of the greatest feelings about being an extreme person. Did you just have an ice cold refreshing glass of brand name soda? Tell the world about your experience. Shout "**** YES!" or some other similar profanity after each refreshing sip. Even if it is not the best treat you have ever had, consuming it is still better than having a mouth full of nothing before you had it. Now shut up and tell everyone about everything!
If you are looking for overreaction, look no further
4. Never Compromise
Extreme people are uncompromising in their views and unapologetic in their declaration of them. This is one of the easiest ways to act extreme. I know a lot of people with the potential to become extremists based on this attribute. It all stems from political views, and I know quite a few people with extreme views on both sides. In fact, many organizations have risen in the past to protect, preserve, and advance the agenda of extreme worldviews. Organizations such as the Westboro Baptist Church,The TEA Party, the Socialist Party of America, UKIP, Al Qaeda, and most recently ISIS have emerged as extreme groups most people have heard of. Just to be clear, I am not telling you to go and join one of these groups. I am, however, telling you to use some of the less violent of these groups as an example of how to handle your intellectual discourse: barbarically. But seriously, do not kill people over this stuff, none of it actually matters in the end. Click here and here for videos showing both a Christian and an Athiest refusing to compromise (explicit language warning)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA0OOEo0k2k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxUeFHUlHT4
5. Listen to Loud Music
When most people think of loud and extreme music, they immediately think of death metal. However, with quite a variety of loud music out there, you are more likely to find something that suits your fancy but remember, it is more important for the music to be loud than to be good. Because this is just one point in a list I won't get too extensive but for the sake of consistency I will show you nine groups from three genres, coincidentally spanning three decades as well
- Classic Rock (70s) is the first genre to be truly loud and boisterous in its delivery. There are a variety of sounds in classic rock but they are all loud. Famous Classic Rock groups include AC/DC, Led Zeppelin and Elton John.
AC/DC - Thunderstruck https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2AC41dglnM
Led Zeppelin - Black Dog https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0YoKzsjE-0
Elton John - Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSA_RLCriHs
-Hair Metal (80s) is my father's favorite kind of music (but definately my least favorite of the options here) and is probably the loudest of these genres. It has the heaviest sound and the edgiest lyrics as well. Some Hair Metal bands include Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, and Ozzy Osbourne (extreme edginess warning)
Iron Maiden - The Trooper https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4bgXH3sJ2Q
Black Sabbath - Heaven and Hell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riwxbh_n_WM
Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMR5zf1J1Hs
-Grunge Rock (90s) is my personal favorite kind of loud music, which has a sort of random inclusion of elements from the previous two genres, in addition to some new quirks such as irreguar time signatures and sometimes bizarre lyrics. Grunge Rock includes bands like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and Stone Temple Pilots.
Soundgarden - Spoonman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0_zzCLLRvE
Pearl Jam - Once https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z7_NCc_gZY
Stone Temple Pilots - Plush https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXhmwMdUKfA
6. Break Disposable Things When You Finish Using Them
When you are finished with a napkin, rip it in half. When you are finished drinking from a Dixie cup, stab it with a pencil until you cannot recognize it as a cup anymore. When your printer prints out a test sheet of paper, shot the sheet with your AR-15 (because you are that freaking extreme!). You get the pattern that I have established here: if it can be broken and there is no further use for it, destroy it. It is quite simple and relieves a ton of stress. There are a few exceptions to this rule, for when it would cause a mess breaking something like ripping a used tissue in half. While it is extreme to break stuff, please do be sensible as well: do not spread disease and shrapnel where they can injure others. That is just plain discourteous.
This pencil is just the beginning...
7. Buy an Airhorn!
I bought my airhorn for about ten dollars off of Amazon, so there is really no reason not to get one. They are great for home defense and pranks alike, as it will stun any assailants that come your way and your friends make amazing faces when filmed being blasted by an airhorn. Living in a dorm where there were a few active pranksters, you would not believe how much having an airhorn as a deterrent helped keep my room safe when other rooms would get silly string and TP. I can safely say that I have gotten the biggest power trip in my life from operating an airhorn in a domestic environment.
People fear loud noises
8. BBLLEEEEAHAAARRRRRGHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
BBBBLLLHEEEARRRRBBBBGHHHLBLBLBLBBLBLADUUUUB. GJILLLESPIKUWAAAAAAAJINTENGAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
