Have you always wanted to work in the service industry but you really, really hate people? Ever found yourself with an undying need to infuriate everyone you come into contact with but just can't seem to fall short of expectations? Look no further! With these 11 easy steps, you'll be on your way to being a complete drain on the company you work for.

1. Work as slow as humanly possible.

Pro tip: wear cement shoes and six inch nails as to really limit your speed. If there's a possibility that you might break a sweat, you're doing it wrong.

2. Forget what you're doing.

Seriously, go sit down and watch kitten videos until you completely forget who you're helping and what they needed.

3. Never answer the phone...

That phone is Kryptonite and you are Superman. No touchy touchy!

4. ...Unless you're talking to another customer.

Suddenly, a bomb is about to go off and whoever is calling has the deactivation codes. Disregard whoever you're talking to, especially mid-sentence, and answer the call.

5. Play Houdini.

Challenge yourself: see how high you can set their expectations and how fast you can leave.

6. Prioritize.

Suddenly have a hankering for onion rings but a customer just won't stop talking? No worries, just leave and get your food. Besides, what good could you do on an empty stomach anyway?

7. "Well, I dunno."

Pretend that you are brand new and just stare blankly whenever.

8. Drink. A lot. Everywhere.

A bottle of Bernadette's disguised in your coffee mug will do wonders for your work aesthetic.

9. Make really outrageous deals...

The less details the better. If you're supposed to meet someone, give them a ten hour range that you might show up in.

10. ...Then cancel them.

Wait until an hour AFTER you were supposed to be there and tell them that you'll need to cancel. Pro tip: see how many times you can set up a meeting and cancel it.

11. Remember, the customer is always wrong.

And ultimately has the IQ of a chunk of Velveeta -- you must treat them that way. The more you sound like you're explaining physics to a toddler using finger puppets, the better.