Perilous forces beyond our control have the power to plague our day to day lives in the smallest and most subtle of ways. That guy who cut you off in traffic. That girl at Panera who got your order wrong for the second time. Steve from your marketing class. Underlying vessels of ancient cosmic evil, every last one of them (especially you, Steve). Why, the very people you live with could in fact be walking manifestations of the Great Old One, The Sleeper of R’lyeh, the deity of chaos: Cthulhu.
How do you know for sure your roommate is Cthulhu? Well, I mean, how do you know they aren’t Cthulhu? There are a few signs you can look for, and these are all 100% scientifically proven to guarantee whether or not you are in fact cohabiting with other-dimensional primordial hellspawn. Trust us, we did the research, for like, a week, over some buffalo chicken pizza. Our roommate is without a doubt Cthulhu.
Have you experienced strange sounds, hallucinations, levitations, or leaky faucets since living with this roommate? If so, there may be a direct line to lord Cthulhu in your very apartment. Or you should probably call an exorcist...or quit doing acid. Probably both.
Is your roommate: allergic to cats, a Capricorn, or an octopus-headed humanoid with thin, bat-like wings and a voice that inflicts listeners with madness? If you’ve answered yes to any of these, your roommate is probably Cthulhu.
Does your roommate lack basic hygiene, such as not cleaning their dishes, not cleaning their side of the bathroom sink, or not cleaning underneath their tentacles regularly, leading to a fishy smell that lingers around for, like, 4 days? If so, you are probably stuck loading Cthulhu’s stuff into the dishwasher with your stuff, just to keep the other two from complaining or leaving passive aggressive sticky notes on the fridge (Ashley and Cthulhu totally aren’t speaking this week, and you, like, have to be the peacekeeper and stuff).
Does your roommate play dub step, early 2000s hip hop, or the same two songs by The Weeknd until four in the morning? Trick question, you are actually hearing the insanity-inducing cries of Cthulhu as he summons his cults of followers to pay him tribute.
Has your life recently spiraled into chaos, the days pass as though it is all a dream, and you find yourself constantly at odds with an unseen malicious force that lurks in the shadows, inactive but always present? Your roommate is probably Cthulhu, or maybe it's just midterms. If it persists longer than two weeks, it's definitely Cthulhu. Subscribe to the ancient texts for guidance.
Other things to consider:
Do you have other roommates? They are probably also Cthulhu. No one is safe from his insidious forces; our bodies are mere shells to be manipulated by his will.
Do you live alone? How do we know you’re not Cthulhu?
…do you have a cat? The cat is definitely Cthulhu.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
