For some people the prospect of traveling across the country in a car full of people makes them like this...
But if you look closely at that picture, you'll notice that missing from all the deranged, dead-eyed smiles is my smile. That's because I hate road trips. To me, road trips nowadays are just like they were for people two hundred years ago. However, we've traded in the luxury of fresh air and everyone having their own horse for six people breathing in each other's carbon dioxide in a small metal box that's blaring One Direction or some shit.
However, sometimes it is simply unavoidable. And it's for those inescapable road trips that I have created this list of ways to make the journey go by more quickly for people who would just rather find themselves suspended upside down in a wampa cave than face the horrors of motor vehicular transportation
1. Play the I'm not touching you game
Your sheer and utter obnoxiousness will make all the other passengers descend upon you like lions on a gazelle. But hey, dead people don't have to road trip. So great success!
2. Watch the extended edition LOTR trilogy
Get lost in the fantastic world of Middle Earth as your car barrels down the highway like Shadowfax carrying Pippin and Gandalf to Minas Tirith.
But seriously, that's like 12 hours you don't have to be looking at the window looking at the plains....the plains...a tree...the plains.
Then if your trip is longer than 12 hours watch it all again with commentary from the actors and learn some interesting factoids. For example, in the scene where Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas think that Merry and Pippin were buried in a pile of burning Urukhai/Orc corpses Aragorn kicks an Urukhai helmet and yells out in agony falling to his knees. However, as it is revealed in the commentary the actor playing Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) actually broke his toe when he kicked the helmet and the yell was him channeling his literal pain in that moment into the scene. Wow! Acting!
3. Play I spy
It's a classic, and a fun way to pass the time. Just pray that you don't spy a clown. Then it won't matter who's winning because you're all about to lose.
4. Play a game with the cops
Being a police officer isn't always helping superheroes and eating donuts. Sometimes being a cop can be boring. So help them spruce their day up by getting them to play the chase game. Just start by going 90+mph, and when they flip their lights on and follow you, congrats you've entered the game!
So now all you have to do is not stop and try to elude them for as long as possible. They may talk into a megaphone and tell you to pullover or you're going to jail, but don't worry it's all apart of the game. If other cop cars start showing up, don't be phased, they just wanted to join in on the fun.
If you do well enough, once they catch you they'll be so impressed with your skills that they'll put handcuffs on you just to see if your skills of escapism extend to the realm of metal apprehension. So don't be afraid to try and get out. Have fun!
5. Offer it up
If all else fails, and you are completely miserable just offer your pain and suffering up to Harambe. You may have to sit for a lot of hours, but at least you don't have to get shot if someone you don't like enters your home.
