I will never forget, I was sitting nervously in the doctor's office of my Urologists while my mom sat in the car. It had been roughly around two weeks since I had found the lump, and little did I know that my whole life would change for the better. I never really went into detail about my diagnosis, spare the few close friends and family members. To be honest, the worst part about such a horrible diagnosis is the fact knowing you have to live with another label. You see, too me- labels are nothing but a socially constructed word that is placed on somebody by society. Also, I really didn't want such a huge commotion. Ask anybody who knows me, and they will say that I'm pretty much an open book about anything! Politics, weather, what I ate for dinner-- you name it, and I've talked about it at least a million of times. However, having such a horrible disease is such a personal, and well kept secret.. Even though the cancer I was diagnosed with, Testicular, has a 90% survival rate in the first five years-- the fact that I even heard those words "I'm sorry" after I asked the doctor, "Is it Cancer", will forever send chills down my spine. I couldn't believe it. Here I was, just a few weeks earlier moaning about a paper for my Psychology class (for which I got an A on), too questioning my existent. YOU would never imagine that it would be you. Yes, I smoked. And drank here and there, but other than that, I was healthy for my age, granted the few extra pounds. My mom drove home, and as we past a river, I just remember thinking, "Wow, those fall leafs look so beautiful reflecting off of the river". That night, from what I can remember was full of shock. Disbelieve. My heart hurt, and I found myself thinking that I actually deserved this. That this was my fault for not taking better care of my life choices, and decisions. I didn't cry myself too sleep that night. For the simple fact, that i was more worried and concerned about how this happens too someone? As the days past, everything was so fast, and irrelevant I didn't care about a single thing in this world besides my body, my family, and my future.. the statistics were on my side. The unconditional love and support was also there yet I still felt like a burden, even though I kept strong until surgery.. that day scared me. I had never felt like this before, because every single precedent of cancer in my family was death. Sitting in the waiting room was a blur. I remember sitting and waiting for my name too come across the projection. I was finally brought into the back and found myself lying in a hospital bed. Before you know I was being pushed, almost unconscious into the operating room.
Waking up was probably the most “fun" of this whole experience. I had forgotten that I had cancer, and while being pushed away I remember, faintly— flirting with the nurses and screaming I'm going to get Chinese food, with them cheering as I went along my way. Once I had head home and got into my bed was when the real drama began. I just remember crying hysterically, while holding my dog. I cried myself too sleep that night. Once again, after a couple of days and what felt like blood work after blood work- with a few steroid shots.. I remember thinking that this will never end.. The fear that a person carries with them with such a horrible prognosis is a feeling no one ever wants too feel. The whole world will come crashing down in a just a matter of seconds, with nothing to spare. When this was finally over, it felt like I had just won first class tickets to the Superbowl Half time show. The amount of emotions is effortless, and you'll eventually stop trying too hide all of it inside.
Technically, I still live day by day with the word "remission" in the back of my mind.. a person, as sad as it is, is never "cancer free". Cancer (such an ugly word), can come back at any moment, and strike you down even harder than the first round. I'm also not gonna lie, and say that life has been one giant roller coaster ride for me as a survivor. I understand that life moves on. I continued my education, i still hang out with friends and bicker with them. I wake up every morning and shower, brush my teeth, and clock into work. There are days where i feel like i just cannot handle everyday stressor's, but i remind myself what pushed me this far, and continued to keep my head up and just smile. Life is a bitch. And even though so many people have been through so much worse than me, I remind myself that life can be beautiful. You just have to know where to find it! I'll end this post by saying that each and every single person in this world is loved, cherished, and should never be made to feel as an outcast. So much has been thrown at all of you- and everyt single specimen in this planet deserves the respect, and all the good karma that they deserve.