An epidemic is sweeping our nation and we must end it before it’s too late for all of humanity. It cannot be destroyed by force, but by raising awareness and proceeding with caution. This infectious pandemic must be stopped and we need your help for the sake of society. In order to help with this movement, pay close attention to the following ways of how to stop being a f*#%boy, and ways to avoid them if you sense some f*#%boy behavior. For those unfamiliar with this term, it is otherwise known as a boy who is a “manipulating scumbag who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want” (Urban Dictionary, 2014). So please, join the revolution to rid our world of such horrible creatures.
1. If he tries to reel girls in using a cheesy pickup line he found on an old gum wrapper, he’s probably a f*#%boy.
Nothing’s worse than being cornered by a drunk, sweaty guy wearing salmon colored pants slurring corny pickup lines a little too close to your face. With their breath reeking of cheap beer, it’s incredibly uncomfortable trying to be polite by ignoring your nasty spit on my face every time you try and talk to me. Guys, try starting a conversation. You know, one that actually matters. No, I do not want to feel your shirt because I’m relatively certain there is no such thing as “boyfriend material,” and maybe if you “scraped your knee falling for me” you should get the hell up and go think about how dumb you sound. Girls, if he thinks “you just sat in sugar because you have a sweet ass,” you should probably never speak to this man again. Odds are he does not even remember your name or his own. Stare at him blankly for an extended period of time until he gets uncomfortable and leaves.
2. If you catch him with another girl right after you, he’s probably a f*#%boy.
Going off of the bar/party scene, if step one actually worked and for some weird reason you haven’t ran the other way, a true f*#%boy will not stop there. If you guys are bumping and grinding and having a good time and he suddenly “has to pee real quick,” odds are he probably caught site of another hottie a few steps away. They’re actually so stupid that they forget that we have eyes and he’s like, literally right in front of you. If you see him “making moves” on another chick while simultaneously eye banging them, you’re better off being that girl dancing alone against a wall spilling her drink all over herself unknowingly. Let your freak flag fly, you crazy animal you.
3. If he only wants to hang out after midnight, he’s probably a f*#%boy.
I know we all get excited when he texts us; however, if you only see his name pop up on your phone after midnight, he’s definitely a f*#%boy (and you’re definitely a booty call). If a guy actually wants to get to know you deeper than “what dat mouth do,” then he will make an effort to hang out during appropriate hours. Similarly, if he suggests playing 20 questions within your first few midnight conversations, you should definitely be wary when he jumps from “what’s your favorite color” to “how do you feel about butt stuff.” Ladies, if you only hear from him after midnight, please take the L on that one. Don’t think if you say no he’ll be too upset, he will most definitely text his other groupies to “have some fun” while you continue shoveling ice cream in your mouth while binge watching The Walking Dead.
4. If he overuses emojis, smiley faces, and winky faces, he’s probably a f*#%boy.
No, it is not cute when you put an emoji after every single text. It is definitely not enticing me to want to come over nor does it back up your apparent “masculinity.” I get the occasional winky face is cute after you make a poor attempt at a sexual innuendo; however, excess winky faces just make you look extremely feminine. If you use more emojis than I do, you should probably cut that out before I single-handedly break those buttons on your IPhone that your parents got you for Christmas. Instead, try being direct and not hiding behind emoji’s. *inserts angry face, fist, and middle finger emoji*
5. If he takes a flexing mirror selfie, he’s probably a f*#%boy.
Just don’t do it. That itself is a crime against humanity, even worse if you actually put thought into uploading it onto social media and did it. Wow, you go to the gym! I’ve never seen a guy in a shirt that’s way too small! Thank you for that! Also, before you take one of these selfies, you should probably clean your sink and flush the toilet behind you. Did you have asparagus for dinner? Jeez. PS, your shower curtains are hideous and they definitely belong hidden in the corner of a Goodwill. Ladies, if he sends you one of these pictures, especially without you asking, please laugh and avoid him for the rest of eternity. Or, reply with a picture of a naked old man with his nutsack hanging low. That’ll teach him.
6. If his lines sound rehearsed, he’s probably a f*#%boy.
If he’s trying to sweet talk you with lines from Nicholas Sparks movies that he denies watching, he’s definitely a f*#%boy. They sound smooth because he’s repeated it so many times, with an appalling success rating. If he sounds and acts theatrical, I’m willing to bet his f*#%boy friend is holding cue cards behind your back as he’s squinting and stumbling over his own handwriting. Perhaps if he spent less time coming up with these lines and paying attention in school, he’d be able to read and write at an appropriate age level. Ladies, if you too have seen Nicholas Sparks movies and can finish whatever line he’s about to say, beat him to it then walk away, preferably pretty quickly. Those are the very determined and aggressive f*#%boys.
All in all, ladies, if the man you’re currently speaking to has exhibited any of the aforementioned tactics, you should absolutely stop, drop, and roll the hell out of whatever “thing” you got going on. You’re better off with the nerd reading encyclopedias for pleasure in the corner of a Barnes&Nobles on a Saturday night. Please don’t think they’ll change, the disease only spreads more and more. Don’t do it to yourself. Men (I use this term loosely,) if you’re reading this and are slightly embarrassed because the glass shoe fits, you’re probably hopeless and should stay isolated for the rest of your existence.
