What do you want? What do you want right now, in the present?
Usually, for me, my response is “I don’t know.” I realize how irritating that can be for others, but the reason I don’t know is because I’m constantly thinking of the people around me. My reply is a simple “I don’t know”, but it’s not that I’m not thinking about the options. It’s the exact opposite. I’m overwhelmed by the options because I know what everyone else wants and what I want, and I’m internally trying to compromise to best satisfy everyone. This is simply me being me. I’ve met others like me, so I get that I can be frustrating, but I think people tend to misunderstand people with these behaviors. We’re not trying to be a pain or indecisive. We’re just as frustrated about the situation, but we’re trying to find the best solution.
I grew up considering everyone else’s feelings. Life was easy in a way because I didn’t really have to think about myself. For the most part, I just always went with the flow. However, as I grew up and the reality of hurtful relationships and a rather pitiful world was revealed, I realized that my selflessness was turning painful. I got stabbed in the back too many times, and I learned that it was impossible to satisfy everyone – or even one person for that matter. I – like many other people growing up – became another perpetrator of this cycle of dissatisfaction with life and humans. I grew bitter towards many things.
During this time, in order to protect myself, I also learned what it meant to be selfish. After my journey through high school where I was hypothetically supposed to discover myself, I finally found the surface of my self in my 20’s. Before now, it felt like I’d never known who I really was. I started to think about what I wanted in life. My self began to take form.
However, how selfish is a person supposed to be exactly? People can’t be completely selfish. How unhealthy would the world be if everyone was selfish? I’m not saying that people aren’t selfish – because they are to an extent – but my question is: how much selfishness is healthy for an individual? On the other hand, how selfless should a person be?
A part of me yearned to be completely selfish so that I wouldn’t have to think about others anymore. I could just do whatever I pleased. However, to my dismay, I couldn’t shake them off. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from thinking about them and how they felt since another part of me cherished that selfless side of me. I still wanted to try and make those around me happy. God wouldn’t let me not care because that compassionate side of me was what His love had brought about in my life. Therefore, through the discovering of my self, I recognized and embraced my selfless side too.
Ever since then though, I’ve been struggling with choices that pop up. I have always been an indecisive person, but now more than ever, I’m having difficulty making satisfying decisions for myself and those around me. Although I’m glad that I learned to be a little selfish because it also taught me to appreciate myself, I dislike having to choose between myself and others. Therefore, because I’m still trying to figure this whole balancing act out in addition to discovering who I am, I’m sorry but, my response is going to have to be “I don’t know” for a little while longer. Just give me and people like me a little more time to think and then we’ll come up with a proper answer. When we respond then, just take it as it is; we’ll really appreciate it.
