Today I watched a girl get catcalled at a bus stop.
What started as an unwelcome comment, turned into a 20-minute verbal harassment. She was looking at her phone, listening to music, when a middle-aged man who had been sitting with friends across the street, prowling, approached her. He first began trying to make small talk. She responded with one-word answers, avoiding eye contact, with earbuds still in.
He then touched her arm to get her attention, and she actively backed away. I was watching carefully from a distance – his friends watch from across the street. I heard them catcalling at her occasionally, trying to get in on the action. I caught bits and pieces of the conversation.
“You think you too good. You think you pretty like Hollywood," he spoke at her. “Maybe I wudn’t approaching you fo’ myself, you consider that? Maybe I was approaching you fo’ my son. How old are you? You in college? Whatchu going for? You smart. Real smart."
She didn’t respond. She turned around and mouthed to me, “help me."
I was nervous; I wanted to help but I didn’t know how. I had read that you should call the girl by name- try to make it clear that you're friends. My mind was racing… What if she had told him her name already?
I was thinking quickly. I blurted out, “Can you come help me?”
Her eyes were locked on mine.
“What?”
“Can you come help me with the bus schedule?”
She walked over to me. I asked her where this bus went. How often it came. Any details I could think of.
“Thank you.” I continued to stand close to her, closer than I would stand to a stranger. As soon as there was a break in conversation, he reproached.
“Maybe you’ll understand when you older, you need to be open to men who approach you. I know I’m handsome, so you don’t needa act like that.”
She stared blankly. I thought maybe if she didn’t speak, maybe he would leave. Maybe he’d go back to his group of prowlers.
“The moment you came up and got too close. The moment you touched me. That’s where you crossed the line.”
She was right. But she was provoking- and he was lingering.
“Women get so upset ‘bout simple things. I didn't touch you like I wanted you.”
She reacted quickly, “The fact that you’re still trying to engage in conversation is the problem.”
He began to walk away. He avoided eye contact with me, stating, “I’m not gonna keep going ‘cause you with your people and stuff.”
“Goodbye beautiful. Goodbye gorgeous. I love you. You be nice your whole life. You be kind.” And he left, back to his posse.
Luckily the bus came right after and I stated to her, "Okay, it's time to go."
But as I left the situation I was dumbfounded by what I had just witnessed. In the first half of the encounter, she went out of her way to not speak. Generally, that works as a deterrent from intrusive strangers. But then, he went out of his way to lecture her about how that's not how you should treat men. A strange, dingy, middle-aged man, approaches you on the street, touches you, and she should be polite? Be interested? Have a friendly conversation? I was horrified.
Has he successfully gotten women to talk to him using this method?
The ignoring didn't work. He was too close. He wouldn't stop. So she used the next response she could think of, and became defensive. I understand why this was her next move, but I would just like to pull apart why this was the wrong one.
I'm going to crack this open from a behavioral modification standpoint, because that's what I study. Let's think of a possible function for his behavior.
I'm going to say it was for attention: he see's a pretty girl standing alone at a bus stop and decides he has nothing better to do then go have a little chat with her. When ignored, problem behavior will go away. However, when he is used to getting the attention by approaching women, ignoring the behavior may create an extinction burst. This is when the behavior suddenly and dramatically increases temporarily. This is why he continued to talk to her, pushing and pushing until the attention was given. That is where she made a mistake.
Because guess what she just reinforced? She reinforced the behavior of talking to a stranger for ten minutes, knowing that eventually, she will give him attention.
Any behavior can be changed using this method. When the fight or flight response is so natural to us, it might take practice to develop the "ignore" response. If you or anyone you know has ever been catcalled or verbally harassed in public, maybe consider next time what the function of their behavior is and ensure that you don't reinforce it. I always hear, "men need to be taught not to act like that."
If we don't reinforce the behavior it will stop; they will learn. Education from women, to women.
