Things can get weird on the first date, but if it's going well, definitely follow my guidelines on how not to get a second date.
1. If you're late, definitely say, "Sorry, my mom wanted to take a picture of me in my suit." That implies that you're a momma's boy and also the fact that you live with your mom. Honestly, just keep bringing up your parents. At that point, it's guaranteed that you won't get a second date.
2. Brag about how you just got promoted to store manager at Stop & Shop. Don't forget to tell us also how you can support us financially. We will not be calling you back.
3. Tell us about all of the weird and probably gross things that you did as a child. Really, please! Don't forget about that story where your cousins dared you to sit in a pile of fire ants butt naked and you did. Just keep talking, don't let us get one word out. There's a 100 percent chance that no second date is even wanted.
4. Take an hour to decide what to get for dinner. "I'll have the Penne a la Vodka ... wait actually the Chicken Alfredo ... wait actually, I need a few minutes." That will show us that you're not good at making any choices! It's also probably why you're wearing two different socks and flood pants.
5. If you already know that you don't want a second date while getting ready, wear all of the flashy things that you own. Definitely wear that giant Hermes belt and tuck your shirt in as far as it goes so that everyone can know that you belong in a tool belt. Also, totally wear those diamond cufflinks even though we're going on a totally casual date.
6. Make sure that you pour the whole bottle of cologne on your body. Literally everywhere. There's nothing more appealing than getting a whiff of Armani every time I put my fork in my mouth! This is a great idea.
7. My last tip of how not to get a second date is to make sure that you drink a cup of coffee right before, then lean in seductively. Except it totally won't be sexy because you'll smell like you haven't slept in 12 days and you're trying to make it up with an absurd amount of caffeine. That'll totally guarantee you won't be getting any soon.
