Lately, I feel like I am beginning a lot of articles with the phrase "I wish I didn't have to say this" but I suppose its telling of the world these days and how little we understand one another, and moreover how little we effort we seem to put into trying.

I should start with a little background for those of you who are new to my adventures: I've been having a rough couple months, and I have struggled with an anxiety disorder for nearly a decade. There are a variety of reasons for this, but needless to say; a lot of changes happening at once, and it's easy to get overwhelmed in life. But these stresses were made so much worse, by people who were probably trying to help. Let me explain:

The Lost Art of Empathy

What is Empathy? Probably not what you think it is, but it is wildly important to have. Our society as a whole lacks this, yet we brag about our kindness and compassion at the same time. It's not sympathy, it's not compassion, it's not being nice; rather empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. We don't do that anymore. Not because we are bad people, but because we are trying too hard to be good people. So when we see someone who is sad we try to make it better. Encouraging words, "look on the bright side", think about all you have to be happy about. The spirit and intention of all that is wonderful, but your anxious friend just wants to punch you in the face.

I watched the following video the other day and just started to cry. Like ugly cry. It was bad.

While I HOPE that you are not a blubbering ball of tears right now, if you are, I get you! See! Empathy! Not that hard.

Though it really is; because if it were easy we wouldn't have the problem. Empathy goes against human nature. As a species we are problem solvers. Every advancement of technology has been born out of the perceived necessity to solve a problem. So when we see a person we care about in distress, we want to help. We are programmed to help, but to us help means fix. But as it happens, the natural selfishness we all feel and carry with us everywhere we go will too click on when we see sad people. We are all guilty of hearing about the plight another is facing and reacting with, "seriously? That's it?" It's easy to belittle the struggles of people when you compare them to the world as a whole, and even to your own experiences. This is the empathy gap. Because we see their problems as "less" important, or stressful, or burdensome or whatever we offer cheap platitudes.

"It will be better soon."

"Hey, it could be worse."

"Well if it makes you feel better at least you're not going through …"

All said with positive intentions. All terribly insulting. By saying these things, especially to a person who suffers from anxiety, you are basically telling them to quit their whining and get over their shit. Awesome. Super helpful too. Then when you're friend lashes out at you, or you get angry they see you as ungrateful and mean. Well, let me help you all. As a person who has struggled through this for a long time, and has had many arguments with friends and family, losing a lot of them along the way. Here is how to be empathic to people.

SHUT UP and Listen

And I mean REALLY listen. Don't wait to talk. Plan on not talking at all. Listen. Let the person say all the crazy things that are bouncing around in their head. Let them cry. Do your best to remember a time something in your life confused or upset you like that. (Even if you think their issue is small, or yours was much greater shut up. To them this is hard. Let them sort it out). Act as a spirit guide. Don't tell them how to feel better, don't offer advice, no cheap platitudes sometimes all you are needed for is a sounding board. Let them get it out, and if you need to say something say, "Damn, that sucks I'm sorry" will more than suffice.

Don't "Put things into Perspective"

Unless you are looking to lose a friend that is. The biggest misconception people have about the anxious person is that we just cant see clearly the obvious solution to our problem. That couldn't be more untrue. In fact most of the time we know or even HAVE the solution. What we lack is the ability to process through it and accomplish the task. Why? Because our brains are literally attacking us. I don't know how to explain a panic attack to a person who has never experienced one. My attempts have been: A soda can, shaken up; Being trapped in a revolving door that is moving too fast to get out of; but the closest is a little kid who just looked up and realized they are lost in the mall. Logically we know we aren't lost. Logically we know to just assess the situation, ask for help or even stay put and wait to be found. But when you can't remember how to breathe and the irrational fear has you paralyzed in a world that is moving ever faster. Well, tell me what I know all you want, but you're not helping. What do you do in this scenario? See Point #1

So you are now one step closer to closing the empathy gap if, that is, you had the empathy in your heart enough to not dismiss this as a "sad Millennial bitch fest."

We may be doomed.