Four years, a thousand memories and what I thought was the perfect relationship. I loved harder than I ever had with anyone else. Each day I woke up knowing that I had someone to support me, love me and push me out of my comfort zone. But things aren't always as perfect as they seem.
"Don't come back," he told me. "You deserve so much better than what I can give you."
My heart fell from a twenty story building, shattering into a million pieces. For a week I couldn't breathe without a tear streaming down my face. For a month my heart ached constantly, because everything reminded me of him. After two months, there were times that my world didn't seemed fully aligned without him.
But beyond the hurt, something beautiful happened. My broken heart was the beginning of me. It was the beginning of me shedding my insecurities, finding my independence and reclaiming my worth. In the midst of the loneliness, I found myself again. There was time for the relationships that I placed second in my life for too long, time for me to learn something new, and above all, time for me to pour the love I had been giving to someone else into myself.
This isn't saying that all relationships strip you away from who you are, make you dependent or consume your heart in a negative way. But what I learned is that there is a difference between love and reliance. And by reliance I mean, giving so much of yourself to someone that your concern for making them happy makes you forget how to be happy for yourself. You rely on them for your opinion of yourself. Their interests are your interests. Your dreams are reconfigured to fit their desires. Maybe these things automatically happen when you've been with someone for years, but I challenge that it doesn't have to, that it shouldn't.
Through my heartbreak I found revival and strength. I realized that unless I am one hundred percent in tune with myself, I will never be giving someone the real me. The confident, flawed, perfectly imperfect woman that I am, was waiting to be discovered. Who I wanted to be was shielded by what I thought my life should be and the perfect picture that I had painted in my head, but now I live in full awareness that life;s wheels don't always go the way you are planning on turning the wheel.
Slowly, my pained turned to anger. I shielded by hurt with resentment and bitterness. This was the hardest part of the healing; it challenged me to my bitter end. I was stubborn and hard-hearted, but when I finally took the last step, my eyes were no longer glazed in brokenness and shame. The day I decided that my heart was ready to forgive the one who shattered it, I became whole again. I was no longer suffocated by the thought of our last kiss, the pain that came when I saw him with someone new or the dread of seeing him happy without me. Forgiveness was the most freeing experience that I had ever felt. My heart grew wings; it was finally ready to fly again.
As much as it hurt, it gave me new life. As much as I wanted it to work out, I realize now it never could have. Above all, as much as I thought I couldn't live without him, I realized by life beyond him is teaching me things that I never could have learned without our final goodbye.
